Bruised
by madpoet08
Summary: I never thought that I deserved friends. That is until the Prewett twins and a certain Marauder took a sudden interest in me. So what do I do when all I want to do is hide from the world and they won't let me? SBOC
1. An Interesting Journey

Chapter 1- An Interesting Journey

**A/N: hey all, it has been a LONG time since I've been on here! I bet you all thought I died, huh? :) well, I have come into a lot of free time lately, so I have been working on something new...see the author's note at the end for more details concerning other stories....**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER..... I mean, really, how could I?  
**

_I'm more failure,_

_Than I am savior,_

_And I hope my past _

_Won't tell my future's story_

_Good Night and Good Luck-The Fast Track_

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"Listen here, you ungrateful little wench, you will never be anything more than scum," Mack sneered at me from the door of my room, as I tried to focus on getting an essay done. "D'ya hear me? Nobody will ever want you and you will always be invisible, somebody of no consequence!"

"Are you going to say anything original?" I asked, not looking at him. "Or at least anything that you haven't already told me? Because if you're not, then please leave."

He didn't say anything for a minute, probably trying to work out if I'd actually just talked back to him. It didn't happen often. Then he stormed into my room, grabbed me by the hair, and flung me into the wall. I crumpled into a heap on the floor next to the window, kicking myself mentally for letting him get the better of me. I never could keep my mouth shut.

"You think you can talk to me like that?" he asked venomously. "You would be on the streets if it weren't for me!"

I sat up and tried to stop the room from spinning around me. But I had no sooner begun to focus when the back of Mack's hand caught me across the cheek. The sheer force of the slap caused me to crack my head on the windowsill and I feel could the blood begin to flow from the cut. I braced myself for the next blow, but Mack seized me by the hair again and pulled me up until we were face to face, my feet dangling off the floor.

"I can't wait for you to be finished at that freak school," he whispered menacingly. "Then maybe you can pretend to be normal again."

He let go of my hair and I fell to the floor, landing on my left ankle with a sickeningly crunch. Mack smiled at the gasp of pain that slipped between my lips and slammed the door behind him. I cradled my ankle as I listened to the sounds of my crazy brother as he moved around the house. I took deep breaths, trying to calm down, as I waited for the only sound I wanted to hear. And fifteen minutes later I heard it—the slam of the front door as Mack left for work.

I heaved myself up to my chair and made a makeshift splint out of a magazine, two rulers, and some rubber bands around my ankle. It had already swollen two times its normal size. I stood and tested it. Little needles of white hot pain shot through my body, but I only needed to make it to the fireplace. Mack didn't know, but I had hooked it up to the Floo Network two years ago so I didn't have to walk so far to the village.

I hopped downstairs and took a pinch of floo powder from my pouch. I all but jumped into the emerald green flames and shouted, "Potter residence."

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As soon as the spinning stopped I fell, rather ungracefully, out of the Potters' fireplace and onto the hearth. In the process, I managed to bang my head on the brick of the fireplace and I landed in heap on my injured ankle.

"Oh for the bloody sake of Merlin," I moaned, closing my eyes in pain, rolling over on my back, and clutching my ankle. "Shite, shite, shite…"

"Er, are you okay?" A voice from somewhere above me asked.

I opened my eyes and twisted my head, only to find eight pairs of eyes watching me. Of course James and his three best mates would be in the living room at the precise moment I decided to drop in. It just wouldn't be humiliating enough unless these four blokes were here to witness my misery. Usually they were out whenever I came to call.

"Yes, I'm fine," I said, somehow managing to sit up and face the group of boys. "Sorry to drop in like this, James, but is your mum around?" I asked the boy on the left.

"Yeah, she's out back," he said, glancing between me and his friends, who seemed quite shocked to see me there.

I struggled to stand up, trying to move my left foot as little as possible. Giving the boys a smile—which, I'm sure, looked more like a grimace—I began to hobble my way towards the kitchen. I didn't want to seem like a complete spaz in front of the most popular boys in school, so I put more pressure on my ankle than I should have. Two steps later and I was in a crumpled heap on the floor once more, cursing my ankle to oblivion.

"Do you want some help?" James asked, standing up.

"No, no, I don't want to interrupt, er, whatever it is you four are doing," I said, waving him off with my hand. I wished they'd just ignore me.

But before I could even make another sorry attempt at standing, I felt two pairs of strong hands slip under my arms and pull me up. Looping an arm around each of their necks, Sirius Black and James Potter then proceeded to scoop my legs out from under me, holding my body between the two of theirs in a fireman's carry.

"Look, love, you can barely stand, and we're really doing nothing of any importance," Sirius said, as he and James carried me to the kitchen. As if my humiliation wasn't bad enough, here I was being _carried_ like a child by the two most popular boys in all of Hogwarts.

"What the bloody hell happened to you, anyway?" James asked.

"Er, well, you see it's rather quite embarrassing," I said, launching into a story that I had practiced for just such an occasion. "See, as I was on my way to the loo, I tripped over the rug and went tumbling down the stairs. I'm quite clumsy and I think I broke my ankle. Since I can't use magic, well, I figured your mum could help me."

"You tripped and fell down the stairs?" Sirius asked and I looked up at him. He was looking at me, a disbelieving glint in his eyes, as though he knew I was lying.

"Oh, Rian's always tripping over something," James laughed, coming to my rescue without even knowing it. "Why, this one time, summer after third year, she somehow managed to slice her arm open with a knife. Quite the nasty gash, something like eight inches long and two and half inches deep, if I remember correctly. You still have the scar?"

"Yeah," I replied quietly, as they set me down on the counter. What I didn't tell James was that Mack had been drunk and trying to kill me. I'd gotten away with the gash, but just only.

"Hey, mum! Rian's here!" James called out to the back patio.

"Well, thanks for the help," I said to Sirius dejectedly. "I really appreciate it."

"Sure, no problem," he said as James turned back to us. "You really should be more careful," he added, touching the gash on my head softly and giving me a pointed look. I didn't like that look one bit. James and Sirius left just as Mrs. Potter walked in.

"Oh, hello dear!" Mrs. Potter said. "My goodness, what happened to you?" she asked when she saw the state I was in.

"Tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs," I muttered as she went to work fixing me up.

"I see," she sighed. I don't think she ever bought any of my excuses, but she never accused me of being untruthful.

The Potters had been friends of my family for years. My father had been a squib, unable to do magic, but his family had been good friends with Mr. Potter's. My father had married a muggle and they had Mack and me. I knew nothing about magic until I received my letter for Hogwarts, but I had always suspected that there was something funny about James and his family, not to mention the whole village that we lived by. But Dumbledore had come to explain that I was magical and that I had a place waiting for me at Hogwarts. My father was ecstatic because he finally had a link back to the world that he grew up in.

That night, he sat my brother and me down to explain to us about the wizarding world and how magic worked. My mother, too, was happy for me. They could finally start telling us about the strange things we'd experienced as kids.

"But you told me that I was just imaging that!" I'd exclaimed, when my father told me about apparating.

"Well, the rules are very strict, sweet," he had replied laughing. "Your mother and I decided it was best that you and Mack not know about wizards because you two weren't directly affected by them."

"So why do we live so close to a wizard village, then?" Mack asked pointedly. He'd been seventeen at the time.

"Well, while I can't perform magic myself, I love everything about the world I had to leave behind. I guess it's just nice to be close to a part of it, it reminds me of my family," my father told him.

"So, does that mean James and I will go to the same school?" I asked.

"Yes, dear, you two will go Hogwarts together," he turned back to me with a smile that I couldn't help but return. "Won't it be nice to know someone?"

"I suppose, even if he is a strange boy," I said and my mother laughed. "What?" I asked turning to her.

"You only thought he was strange because he can't control his magic yet," she said. "But, if I remember correctly, you too have had some strange things happen to you."

It was true. I had grown up playing with James Potter, that strange boy who lived down the road from us. And both of us had been caught up in strange happenings, although he knew why and I didn't. He told me so once, telling me it was a secret that I couldn't know because I was girl. That had made me so mad and I thought about how funny James would look with no hair. Then a second later, a bald James stood before me.

Now, I watched as Mrs. Potter mended my ankle. I hated to think of my parents. It had been six years since they'd died. The memories served only as a reminder that they were dead and I was stuck with Mack. My brother hated me so much because of what I was. At first I had wished with all my heart that I wasn't a witch anymore, that I was just a plain boring muggle. I thought if I wasn't a witch he might not hate me anymore. But as I grew up I realized that even if I wasn't a witch, Mack would hate me all the same. He blamed me for our parents' death.

"There you go dear, all better," Mrs. Potter said a little while later. "Would you like some lunch? You look like you haven't eaten in days."

"Lunch would be great, Mrs. P," I said, hopping off the counter and sitting on one of the bar stools.

"How are things at home? Mack still holding down that job?" she asked, as she bustled about the kitchen.

"Yes, he got promoted to assistant manager," I told her. Mack worked at the local grocery store in the muggle village that was about five miles away from home. "He seems to like it well enough."

"Well, that's good," she said, setting a sandwich in front of me and summoning the jug of pumpkin juice from the fridge. "How's your summer been? I haven't seen you much."

"I've just been busy, is all," I replied. "I started working at that bar in the village and I've been trying to get my homework done so I can stop worrying about it."

"Does Mack know you're working?" she asked, eyeing me carefully.

"No, I work nights when he's sleeping or out with friends." I took another bite of my sandwich and wished I could just tell her what Mack was really like. But for whatever reason I just couldn't bring myself to expose my brother for the monster he was.

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"Mack?" I knocked tentatively on his door, hoping he wasn't in one of his moods.

I heard some rustling around and then the door was flung open. "What?"

"I'm leaving, for school," I said and he just blinked at me. "So, I won't be back until next summer."

"Well, good riddance," he snapped. "Don't bother writing, cause I won't write back. Besides, I hate those bloody owls."

And with those last words of love he slammed the door in my face. I shook my head and went downstairs where my trunk was waiting. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had offered to give me a ride, which I had gratefully accepted. I was so happy to be leaving for another year. Mack had been more and more abusive this past summer and nothing I did seemed to placate him. I thanked Merlin that it had been a fairly cool August because it meant I could wear long sleeves and jeans without garnering too many strange looks. But how was I supposed to explain the constant bruises, welts, and cuts? I couldn't keep blaming my natural clumsiness; soon someone was going to start to notice that something was off. But if I could keep my colorful skin hidden, then I didn't have to worry about it.

As I lugged my trunk down the front steps, I heard someone walking towards me. I looked up and tried to suppress my groan of dislike. It was Gary, my brother's perverted best friend, who happened to have some strange obsession with me.

"Hey, there Rian, looking bloody great as usual," he drawled. I set my trunk down and looked up at him.

"Mack's inside," I told him, hoping he'd get the message.

"He's not going anywhere." Gary looked at me in a way that can only be described as wolfish. It was creepy. "So how have you been? I haven't seen you around much this summer."

"Fine." I found it best to keep my answers to one word when around Gary.

"Any boys that I should know about?" he asked, winking. I just looked at him. "You know, if you ever need help or anything, you can always give me a call." He stepped towards me, closing the space between us, too close for comfort.

"Hey, Rian, are you ready to go?" I turned and saw Sirius Black, of all people, standing there. Thank Merlin!

"Yes," I said, a little too eagerly because Sirius' eyebrows rose. I sidestepped Gary and grabbed my trunk, dragging it behind me. Gary threw Sirius a dirty look and Sirius just frowned at him. "Bye, Gary."

Gary turned around and went inside to find Mack. Sirius walked towards me and grabbed one of the handles of my trunk, helping me carrying it. "Who was that prick?" he asked.

"Just some creeper friend of my brother's," I said.

"Really? Because he's seems _very_ interested in you, my friend," he said and I shot him a look. "I'm just saying, is all."

"Yes, well, thank you for coming when you did because he's just about the last person in the world I wanted to be stuck talking to," I said. "Why are you here?" I asked a second later. The last time I'd checked, Sirius didn't live in the village.

"I, er, decided to catch a ride with James to King's Cross," he said. "My family had other, more pressing engagements to attend to."

"O-kay," I said. He was acting very strange.

We walked the rest of the way in silence. I felt sufficiently awkward because I was not a social person by nature and Sirius was. In all honesty, I felt awkward most of the time because I never knew how to handle social situations. I didn't like being around lots of people or being the center of attention. In the five years I'd been at Hogwarts I'd managed to keep to myself, having no close friends and that really was the way I preferred it. If I just kept my head down and made it through school, then nobody would ask me questions I didn't want to answer. I wouldn't have to make up excuses so that people wouldn't think any less of me because of my brother. Sometimes it really sucked to be alone, but it was better than having somebody who would just confirm what my brother had been telling for years—that I was worthless.

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The trouble started on the train. I had found a nice, empty compartment at the end and had just settled in for the long journey. I was in the middle of a book and I knew if nobody disturbed me I could probably get it finished by the time the train reached Hogsmeade. I'd had peace for about two hours when the door to my compartment burst open and a red haired boy dashed in. I looked up at him, slightly surprised. A second later a second boy, identical to the first, rushed in as well, closing the door behind him.

"Whew! That was close! Thank Merlin this compartment was empty," the first boy said. But the second boy had caught sight of me and pointed. "Oh! Well, bugger, I guess it wasn't empty."

"Er, can I help you?" I asked them. They looked vaguely familiar and I knew they were Gryffindors, a year above me.

"Why, I just think you might be able to, love," the second boy said, a smile spreading across his face. He whispered in his brother's ear and the first boy nodded. "If anybody happens to come along could you just say that we've been in here, with you, the entire train ride?"

"Why would I—" I started, but just then the door burst open again.

"Fabian and Gideon Prewett I am going to murder you in your sleep!" a shrill voice, at a frequency that only dogs could hear, shouted.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Dorcas, we've been in here the whole train ride," the first boy said, brow furrowing as he looked up at the girl in the doorway. "Why do you always insist on blaming us for everything that happens to you?"

"Because you two prats _always_ have something to do with it!" she all but screamed at the two boys. Then she turned to me. "Are these two idiots bothering you?" she asked aggressively.

All I could do was stare for a moment. I had never, in my life, been a part of an outburst like this. Finally, I said, "Um, no, they've been in here the whole time. With me."

"Oh really?" she said, narrowing her eyes. "What's your friend's name, then? You all seem to be such good chums and all."

"Well, er—" the first boy said.

"You see, we call her—" the second boy tried to cover up for his brother.

"Precisely my point!" the girl, Dorcas, exclaimed waspishly. "Next time, maybe you should dive into the compartment of somebody that you know!"

And with that she stalked out of the compartment, slamming the door behind her. There was silence in the compartment for a minute and then—

"Sweet Merlin, did you she her face?" the first boy crowed, positively rolling on the floor in hysterics.

"And did you hear her voice?" the second one gasped, in as much of a fit as his brother. "I swear, I thought her head was about to explode!"

I just looked at the two before me. I'd never have known that they were seventeen by the way they were acting. They giggled madly at each other for at least another five minutes as I sat there helplessly watching them. I wondered what they had done to that girl to make her so angry.

"Forgive us, love, you must think us extremely rude," the first boy said when he could finally control himself. He stood up and stuck his hand out to me. "Fabian's the name."

"I'm Rian," I replied, taking his hand cautiously.

"And I'm Gideon!" the second boy said, shoving his brother out of the way to shake my hand. "Do you parents know you're a girl?" he asked.

"Come again?" I asked, confused by the question.

"Your mum and dad, were they aware that you are, in fact, a girl?" he repeated. I looked at him and then at his brother, who just shrugged.

"I'm pretty sure, yes," I said, wondering what he talking about. "Why? Do I not look like a girl?"

"Oh no! Nothing like that, it's just, well, _Ryan_ is a boy's name," he said, as though it should have been obvious. Fabian hit his brother upside the head.

"You git! You're not supposed to _actually_ say things like that! I mean, you've probably offended her now!" he said.

"Well, she has a peculiar name, I was just wondering!" Gideon retorted, rubbing his head. "You're not offended, are you?"

"I don't think so," I said slowly. I was unsure of how to feel.

"There, see, she's not offended!" he told his brother. He sat down on the seat opposite me and pulled out a sugar quill. Fabian sat next to his brother a second later and silence elapsed in the compartment once again.

I felt slightly scared for my life, being with these two boys, but I was curious nonetheless. So after a minute, I asked, "What did you to that girl? Dorcas? She seemed awfully angry at you."

"Oh, well, that's a funny story," Fabian said, grinning at me. "You see, good ol' Dorcas is our lovely cousin and she has no sense of humor, which is why she was sorted into Ravenclaw. Anyway, we were just playing a harmless wee joke on her."

"I mean, it's not as if anybody got a _good _look at her knickers!" Gideon added and I looked at him appalled. "We may have sent a charm to lift her skirt up as she passed a compartment full of boys from her house, but really, it was all in good fun."

"I wouldn't blame her to make good on her promise to murder you two in your sleep," I said, laughing in spite of myself.

"Nah, she just says stuff like that. She really loves us too much to hurt us _too_ bad," Fabian said, shaking his head. "She just wants us to think that she's tough and scary."

"Besides, she doesn't have the password to get into our tower," Gideon added.

I honestly didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. I just shook my head the two boys. I went back to my book, figuring that the conversation was over. But after about ten minutes I got the strangest feeling that someone was watching me. And sure enough, when I looked up both of them were staring at me.

"What?" I asked, taken aback.

"Nothing," they said in unison.

But they kept staring at me. I tried my best to ignore them and succeeded for another twenty minutes, but then I became increasingly self-conscious. I could _feel_ them looking at me and it was maddening to not know why.

"Really, what is it?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Nothing," they repeated in unison.

"Well, then, stop staring at me. I don't like it," I said, returning to my book.

Five minutes later I looked up and found that they were still at it. They were staring at me as though I were some sort of fascinating animal on display at the zoo. So I stared back. I figured if I couldn't beat them, I'd just join them. And so we sat there like that, just staring at each other for what felt like an eternity. I was so caught up in this weird game we were playing that I barely heard the door open.

"Well, what the bloody hell is going on in here," a familiar voice asked. Neither the boys nor I moved or answered him. "He-llooooo," he said waving his hand in the space between us.

"Maybe somebody used that Petrificus Totalus charm on them?" another voice suggested.

I wanted to look and see who it was, but I didn't want to lose. And it was at that moment that I realized just how absurd I was being. Here I was, playing some weird silent staring game with two boys I hardly knew. And even though I knew it was ridiculous and I wanted to turn away, I just couldn't.

Finally, one of the boys gave Fabian a hard shove pushing him into Gideon and they fell off the seat and onto the floor. The other boys laughed and I looked up to see the Marauders standing there. "What the in Merlin's name was that all about?"

"C'mon, Potter! Couldn't you see that we almost had her?" Fabian asked huffily, waving a hand at me.

"Yeah, I mean, she was just about to crack!" Gideon said, pouting.

"Er, what are you on about?" James asked, cocking his head to the side and looking at me. I just raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

"She was just about to have an outburst! You know, like how Evans is always screeching at you?" Fabian said and this statement was so ridiculous that I couldn't help but give a snort of laughter.

"So that's what you were trying to do?" I asked and they all turned to look at me. "I thought you were just playing some sort of staring game."

James and his friends burst out laughing as Fabian and Gideon sputtered like fish out of water. I wasn't sure exactly what was quite so funny, but all the same I found myself smiling at the looks on the twins' faces as they tried to comprehend what was going on.

"You mean, you weren't about to yell at us to get the bloody hell out?" Fabian finally asked.

"Why would I do that?" I asked.

"Well, because—" he stopped and scratched his head. "You know, I really have no idea."

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**A/N IMPORTANT: so, here I am, with a new story and new fresh ideas. If there are readers who were reading Sunshine and its sequel Bloody Brilliant, I don't blame you for wanting to kill me...but in all honesty, Bloody Brilliant was turning into complete crap and I lost all interest in it. So I disappeared for a while (like 2 years, but who's counting?) I can't make any promises about Bloody Brilliant, but let me say this: I have been looking over it and making revisions to the plot and chapters I have. I don't know if I'll re-post it or finish it, but just know that there is a glimmer of a chance--which is more than there was two years ago. In the meantime, enjoy this new story. I have quite enjoyed writing it thus far. Rian is a fun character to write, and it's different than the other stories I've written, so hopefully you guys are enjoying it thus far too!! :) anyways, that's my long winded excuse for why I was gone for sooo long. **

**Now, do you see the button at the bottom of the page that says review? It would just so lovely for you tell me what you think so far-- I love to hear what the readers have to say!!**

**oh and ps-- I was reading through some old reviews on my other stories and there is nothing better to boost your confidence that to read the comments of people who like what you do. I'm not trying to sound, conceited, I promise, I just thought I'd throw that out there and thank everyone in advance who reviews, I really really do appreciate--all authors do!! :)  
**


	2. Making Friends

Chapter 2- Making Friends

**A/N: hey all, look at this, I'm updating fairly quick! a quick disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER, ONLY THE PLOT AND OC...and now, enjoy! :)**

_Tell me baby what's your story  
Where you come from  
And where you wanna go this time oh  
Tell me lover are you lonely  
The thing we need is  
Never all that hard to find oh  
Tell me baby what's your story  
Where do you come from  
And where you wanna go this time oh  
You're so lovely are you lonely  
Giving up on the innocence you left behind_

_Tell Me Baby- Red Hot Chili Peppers_

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I'm not quite sure how it happened, but the Marauders ended up sitting in the compartment with the Prewett twins and me. After the initial hilarity due to the Fabian and Gideon's misunderstanding, I felt increasingly awkward, trapped in this space with these boys. Sure, I knew James, but I didn't really know him that well. It had been years since we'd been friends. And the Marauders were, well, intimidating. At least, James, Sirius, and Remus were—Peter was, well, he was Peter. And between the Marauders and the Prewett twins I had no idea what I was supposed to do. So I sat silently as they told stories in boisterous and overdramatic voices.

I had somehow ended up squished between Sirius and the window. None of the boys seemed to take much notice of me, nor of the fact that the compartment had been mine in the first place. But I wasn't about to draw any kind of unwanted attention to myself. I hated being around people, but I hated having to speak up in front of a group of people even more. I got tongue tied and my face usually turned a brilliant shade of purple from the humiliation I felt as people watched and judged me.

So I sat there, silently listening to the antics around me as the Marauders and the Prewett twins recounted story after story of pranks and mischief they had participated in. I marveled at the fact that these boys not only liked the attention they got, they _wanted_ it. They played off the energy that came from have everyone in a room watching you and knowing that you had everyone's undivided attention. I would have rather died.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked me sometime later, as I looked out the window.

"Fine," I said, glancing at him.

"Are we not entertaining enough for you?" he asked playfully, giving me a nudge, and I looked at him. He was truly attractive in every sense of the word. His black hair fell into his translucent grey eyes in an elegant, effortless way. His face was smooth and aristocratic, good bone structure and all of that. He was charming, to be sure, and for the most part was nice guy. And it was amazing that _I_ was talking to him.

"It's not that," I said, shaking my head. "Your stories are very funny."

"Is that all?" he asked frowning.

"What do you mean?" I wondered if I had said something wrong.

"I mean, you think our stories are only funny?" he said and it was my turn to frown at him.

"I said that they were very funny," I corrected, wondering why that was a bad thing. "You all seem to have fun breaking the rules." It wasn't an accusation or in any way reproving; it was just an observation.

"And what do you have fun doing?" Sirius asked, cocking his head slightly to one side.

"I have fun listening to your stories," I said, only somewhat dryly.

He looked at me for a second and then he burst out laughing; not just ha-ha, but really, truly laughing. And he kept laughing and laughing, until everyone in the compartment was looking at us. I immediately felt my face flush hot with blood just from being looked at, but Sirius kept laughing. And I honestly had no idea what was so funny.

"Mind sharing the joke?" James asked him.

"It's—really—not—" Sirius gasped, shaking his head. His face was red from laughing so hard and all we could do was look at him.

"Is he alright?" I asked, slightly alarmed.

"He's fine," Remus said. "What did you say to him?"

"I have no idea," I replied. "I'm usually not funny," I added and that only made Sirius howl louder with more laughter.

A few minutes later, once he was able to control himself, Sirius said, "Oh sweet Merlin, I haven't laughed like that in _ages_."

"And what was so funny?" James asked.

"I have no idea, it was just funny," Sirius said, shaking his head. He turned to me. "Are you always so deadpan about everything?"

"Er, I dunno," I said, looking around the compartment for some sort of help. "I've never had anyone describe it like that before."

"Really? Well, you're friends must think you're a riot," he said, laughing a little again.

"Er…sure," I said.

I needed an excuse to get out of there. I hated the attention that Sirius was unintentionally putting on me. I checked my watch and jumped up. There were still a few hours to go until we reached Hogwarts, but I was desperate.

"Well, I suppose I'll just go and put my robes on," I said, a little too hurriedly. "Excuse me."

And before any of them could react, I had my robes in my hand and I had slipped out of the compartment. I made my way to the loo, keeping my eyes on the ground. I didn't want anybody else to stop me and laugh at things I said. I changed into my robes, taking my time because I wasn't looking forward to going back to my compartment. But I got a surprise when I returned.

"Oh, c'mon, Evans! One date isn't going to kill you!" James was whining.

"Potter, I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last living, breathing thing on the planet," the red haired girl said angrily.

Lily Evans had somehow been pulled into the compartment with the boys. I liked Lily well enough because she left me alone. She and I got along rather well, actually, because of that fact. She was a nice enough girl, usually cheerful and kind. But at this moment, with James Potter currently invading her personal space, she was anything but happy. Her pretty face had a look of revulsion on it that made me wonder how James could think she liked him.

"Oh, Rian! Thank Merlin!" she cried as I tried—and failed—to slip into the compartment unnoticed.

"Um, hi," I said, lamely.

"Excuse us, but I really must speak to Rian alone," Lily said, shoving James away from her and grabbing my hand. I tried not to wince as she gripped some of the bruises that ran up and down my arms. She all but dragged me out of the compartment and halfway down the train.

"Here, have a seat," she said, as she pulled me into a compartment after her.

"What did you need to talk to me about?" I asked, thoroughly confused.

"Oh, I was just trying to get away from Potter," she said, a little sheepishly. "And I figured you could use a break from the fearsome foursome," she added.

"Was it that obvious?" I asked.

"Maybe a little," she said laughing. "How did you end up with them, anyway?"

"I have no idea, it just kind of happened," I said, shrugging.

"Oh, you were in the same compartment as the Marauders and you were the only girl?" A voice from my left said. I looked over and saw Alice, a girl from my year, sitting there, flipping through a magazine. I hadn't even noticed her. "And you _wanted_ to leave?" she added, giving me a disbelieving look.

"Well, the Prewett twins were also there," I said and she just shook her head. "What?"

"Honestly, I don't get it," she said. "You were in a compartment with five of the most eligible and attractive boys at Hogwarts _and_ you had the convenience of not having any other girls around, but you still wanted to leave? Do you know how rare an opportunity you had?"

"Um, no?" I said, and she shook her head. I was feeling flustered again because I never said the right thing.

"Pay no mind to Alice, she's just mad because she can't have a go at the 'most eligible and attractive boys at Hogwarts' herself," Lily said, mocking Alice. "Besides, you shouldn't complain, you're dating Frank," she added to Alice.

"I know and I'm not, I'm just stating a fact." She shrugged and went back to flipping through her magazine.

I didn't say anything else, not wanting to be criticized again. I handled criticism about as well as I handled attention. Mack had spent the past six years blaming me for mum and dad's deaths—I blamed me too—and telling me how worthless I was. I knew, rationally, that he was wrong. But it didn't change the fact that he had got inside my head and that there was always doubt in the back of my head. I didn't think I was worthless, but then what did I know? I had never given anyone the chance to get close enough to tell me otherwise. I wasn't sure that I wanted to.

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The feast went much the same way it had the previous five years: the sorting, Dumbledore's strange speeches, and fantastic food. I ate ravenously, reaching for everything in my sight. I hadn't eaten this good since the end-of-term feast the previous term. Mack kept tabs on the food in the house, allowing me just enough to live off of and I needed all the money I could get so that I could move out when I turned seventeen.

I was extremely tired as I headed upstairs to the dorm. Nobody paid me much mind as they pushed past me to get to their own beds. I was too out of it to notice the two red-haired boys on either side of me at first. And then they each slung an arm around me, jolting me out of my food-induced stupor.

"Well, hello there, love!" One of them, I think it was Fabian, said brightly. "You disappeared on us earlier."

"Yes, and we were stuck with the Marauders for the rest of ride," Gideon said, clucking his tongue at me. "Mind you, they were entertaining, but you are much more fun to talk to."

"What do you want?" I asked, a hint of desperation in my voice.

"Why, we just want your lovely company as we make our merry way up to the common room," Fabian said.

"And to make sure that you're okay," Gideon added, all of sudden serious. "You seemed to be a bit flustered back there."

"Although, with Black laughing like maniac, as he was, I supposed I'd be flustered as well," Fabian said. "But we really just wanted to make sure that he didn't frighten you too bad," he added.

I looked between the two of them and felt like an eight year-old girl again, being fretted over by my mother. "I'm a big girl you know, I can take care of myself," I told them.

"Oh, we have no doubt of that," Gideon said, winking at me, "but it's always nice to have some friends to back you up."

"Friends?" I said, inquiringly.

"Why, yes, I think that after all we've been through together that you would consider us your friends!" Fabian said, feigning offense.

"All we've been through together?" I asked laughing, at their ridiculousness. "Part of a train ride to Hogwarts in which you completely ruin my nice, quiet journey with your antics and all of sudden we're good chums?"

"Why, I'm so glad you see it that way too!" Gideon said jovially.

Thankfully we reached the portrait of the Fat Lady at that moment and therefore I could get away from the crazy Prewett twins. I gave the password and climbed through the portrait hole, Fabian and Gideon just behind me. I was about to head up the stairs to the girls' dorm, but the twins pulled me back.

"Not so fast," Fabian said. "All joking aside, we do consider you a friend as of right now and so, should you need anything, ever, you know where to find us."

"Yes, we quite like you, Rian, and therefore we are now friends," Gideon agreed.

And for whatever crazy reason, I found myself agreeing with them. "Friends," I said, nodding.

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The first few weeks of term flew by in a whirl of homework and classes. I spent most of time in the library because usually nobody bothered me there. Or, I should say, it was the place where I was least likely to be bothered by anyone. I had learned first year that if I just hid in the library then nobody would try to talk to me. My parents had just died, about a month before I started, and I really didn't feel like talking to anyone about it. Or having anyone even _know_ about it, for that matter. I felt bad enough, with Mack blaming me and me blaming myself. I didn't need anybody else to blame me too.

And after a while it was just easier to hide in the library and be by myself. I could watch other people connect with one another and wonder how they did it, but I didn't have to experience it myself. I could just be an observer, which I liked much better than being the observed. And as I got older and watched friendships and relationships crash and burn, I could smile in satisfaction at the fact that I would never be in that position simply because I wouldn't allow myself to be. I had already been hurt—physically and emotionally—by my brother and I didn't need my place of solace to become another place of abuse, too.

This year, however, I made the mistake of becoming friends with the Prewett twins. After a week or so of my regular routine, they started to hunt me down. At first it was just at meals. A few times a week they'd sit with me and, admittedly, make me laugh with their stories and jokes. And then they started to find me between classes and in the common room, walking with me wherever I was going. They were boisterous, loud, and outgoing—everything that I wasn't. And yet, I somehow found that I enjoyed their company.

But it started to get out of hand in the beginning of October. Whenever I wanted my peace from everyone—including my two new friends—I hid in the library. I don't know how the Prewett twins managed to find me, I can only assume that they'd been following me. I had found a nice quiet place in the back of the library first year where nobody ever came. It was among the shelves of books that nobody ever needed. Things like _How to Raise Flobberworms_ and rubbish like that. It was my favorite place to be because I was the only person who seemed to know about it. Until Fabian and Gideon found me there.

"Hey, here she is," I heard a voice say from one end of the row. "I told you I saw her come back this way."

"Oh, well bugger, good job," said another voice. I looked up and there they were.

"You are one hard girl to track down," Fabian said, sitting down next to me. I had all my books spread out in front of me, trying to get a head start on all the essays I had due. "It's almost as if you don't want to be found."

"Maybe I don't," I said, looking back down at my Runes essay.

"Nonsense," Gideon said, stepping over my books carefully so he could sit on my other side. "Why wouldn't you want to be found? Actually, why are you back here in the first place? It's so quiet and eerie."

"I like it," I told them, still focusing on my essay, not paying attention to what I was I saying. "Nobody bothers me and I don't have to talk to people. No distractions. It's just how I like it."

When neither of them responded, I looked up. They were giving me very peculiar looks, as though I had said something that hurt them. I had just been being honest. I did like being alone. But I liked being around them too, I suppose. They still said nothing and it was unnerving. I had never seen them speechless before, minus the first day on the train.

Finally Fabian said, "Alright, have it your way then." And he and Gideon stood up and walked off.

I sat there, looking after them. I had no idea what had just happened. Had I offended them so badly that now they didn't want to be my friends? Or were they just tired of me? A thousand thoughts flitted through my mind, each coming to the same conclusion that I had just lost the only two friends I had. I tried to go back to my essays, but I couldn't. I couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that I had blew it with two boys who had _wanted_ to be my friends. I had to honestly be the thickest person in the world if I could only keep friends for a few weeks.

Just as I was working myself up into a tizzy, the Prewett twins returned and sat back down across from me. They each had their bags with them and they pulled out their books, parchment, and quills. I stared at them, wondering what was going on.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Why, we're studying, what does it look like?" Gideon asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, this was _your_ idea, you silly goose," Fabian said, opening a book. "Besides, Gid and I, we do have some homework due tomorrow that we really should get done."

"But," I started and then stopped, realizing I didn't know what to say. They looked at me expectantly. "Aren't you mad at me? For saying that I wanted to be alone?"

"Oh, that? No, we figured you meant before you met us. But since you didn't want to move, we grabbed our things and came back here," Gideon replied. "You shouldn't study alone, it's never any fun."

I just stared at them, at a loss for words. They were really something else. I had no idea what I had done to be stuck with two boys such as them, but I wasn't ungrateful. I rather liked the fact that I had friends now, as surprising as that was. I still wasn't sure how it would end or if it would last long, but I found that I didn't care. It was enough just to be there, with these two boys, at that moment and to know that I wasn't alone.

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Even though I had two new friends, they were a year above me and therefore not in class with me. I'd never been noticed much by classmates and that didn't change, at least not for a while. With Fabian and Gideon showing me the ways of interacting with other human beings, well, it was bound to change me in some ways. In my previous five years at Hogwarts I never volunteered answers unless I'd been called upon. I sat in the corner of my classrooms to avoid attracting any sort of attention—story of my life, I know—and nobody bothered me for the most part. In fact, I'm sure most people didn't even know who I was.

But the effect that the Prewett twins had on me was profound. I no longer walked with my head down, looking at the ground, trying to avoid everyone. I looked at the people around me, sometimes even smiling in passing. I'd started speaking up in class, giving my two cents along with everyone else. Teachers were even awarding points, which had only happened a handful of times in the past. I was gaining more confidence and it showed. Other students had even started talking to me.

"Excuse me," a voice asked me. I looked up and saw a Ravenclaw, I think her name was Delaney. I was sitting in Charms waiting for class to begin and she sat down behind me.

"Yeah?" I said, turning to face her.

"I was just wondering, well, are you a transfer student?" she asked and I looked at her, confused. "It's just that I don't think I've ever seen you here before."

"I've been here all five years," I told her, frowning.

"Have you really?" she asked. "I'm sorry, my mistake."

She got up and went back to her friends. Well, it was a start, I suppose. At least other people were talking to me. And it really shouldn't have been surprising that students from other houses didn't even recognize me. Like I've said, I did a pretty good job of hiding out from the school at large. There were people in my own house who didn't know me.

But all that was changing. And even though this was what I'd dreaded, interacting with people and being noticed, I was finding that it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be. I found that I rather liked having company and people who cared about what I was doing. It was a nice change.

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A few nights later, I was in the common room. I was the only left, sitting in one of the best armchairs by the fire. I had a book in my lap, but I was preoccupied with staring at the depths of the orange and red flames. I wondered what Mack was doing without me, his punching bag. I never knew what Mack did when I was gone, but I imagined that he celebrated being rid of me for a while. I wanted to leave so badly, but I wasn't of age yet and I didn't have the money. I had saved up quite a bit over the past summer, but I wasn't working throughout the school year, so I'd have to hope that I had enough by the end of next summer.

I felt bad for being such a burden to my brother. Maybe if he hadn't been stuck with the task of taking care of me, we would get along better. I wanted so badly for him to be happy that I didn't care if it killed me. I knew it was wrong to think the way I did, on some level, but I couldn't help it. Mack made me feel like it was all my fault and I'd never been told otherwise. So what else was I suppose to think?

"Rian?" a soft voice said, close to my ear. I jump a mile and my head collided painfully with something. "Ouch! Oh, bugger, damn it all to hell!"

I looked around and saw Sirius holding a hand over his eye as he cursed. I covered my mouth with my hands and sprang up from the chair.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius!" I said, through my hands. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," he waved me away, taking his hand away. "Are you okay?"

"Er, I think so," I said, rubbing my head. It didn't hurt too badly.

"I suppose I shouldn't be sneaking up on you," he laughed. "I wanted to talk to you."

"You did?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes, but every time I try to you're either surrounded by the Prewetts or nowhere to be found," he replied. "I wanted to apologize for the train. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I really wasn't laughing at you."

"You weren't?" I asked.

"Well, okay, I _was_, but it wasn't in a mean way, I swear. It's just, you seemed to be bored and for you to tell me that you were having fun…well, it just seemed quite funny at the time," he said sheepishly. "I can be quite the idiot sometimes."

"That's alright," I said. "It really wasn't you, in all honesty. I just…wasn't used to all the attention," I added, feeling stupid.

"And I tend to attract attention wherever I go," he said, laughing again. "Again, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, really," I said, suddenly feeling awkward. Here was Sirius Black, every girl's dream boy, apologizing to me.

"So we're good?" he asked, holding out his hand.

"Yeah, we're good," I replied taking it and we shook on it.

Just as I was about to pull back, however, Sirius pulled my arm closer to him. My stomach dropped to my feet as I realized that my sleeves were rolled up to my elbows and the nastier bruises that were still fading were clear as day. His eyes were narrow and he was inspecting the bumps and colors, running his fingers gently over my skin. A hiss escaped from his teeth and he looked back up at me.

"What's all this?" he asked.

"Nothing," I lied, trying to pull my arm back. But he wasn't going to let me go without a proper answer.

"Rian, this isn't nothing," he said seriously. "What, did your ex get riled up or something?"

"No, nothing like that," I said with a laugh. Honestly, imagine me with an ex-boyfriend. Hell, imagine me with a boyfriend to begin with.

"Then what is it?" he asked, a little more demandingly.

I couldn't tell him about Mack. I couldn't tell anyone about Mack. That would be admitting that I was only good for kicking around, for beating upon. It would be proving that I was a failure and how weak I really was. I couldn't even stand up to my brother properly. And there was still some deranged part of me that wanted to protect him.

"It's none of you business, Sirius," I snapped, surprising myself. "It's like James said, I'm just extraordinarily clumsy."

"And pray tell, how does one get a welt from tripping over one's feet?" he asked angrily. "Rian, if someone's treating you badly you shouldn't let them."

"Sirius, really, it's none of your business. Just because you talked to me a little on the train and helped me carry my trunk, that doesn't make us friends," I told him.

"Fine, be like that then," he said, dropping my arm. "But maybe you should tell _your_ friends about this. They could help you."

He gave me another pointed look, the one that made me feel like he knew more than he should. He turned away and went up to the boys' dorm. I wondered what would happen if I told anyone about what really happened. Nothing good could come of it, though, I was sure of that. And so I would keep my mouth shut about it and hope that Sirius was smart enough to keep this to himself as well. The last thing I needed was more people questioning me.

Later, after I got out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror. My skin, while looking better than it had a month ago, was still discolored and distorted in places. I looked at my back, where the scars were raised like some kind of twisted Braille. Mack knew where to strike the hardest so it wouldn't show. And as I studied the injuries all over my body I wondered if I would ever be able to tell anyone the truth.

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**A/N: ahh, yes, things are starting to get more interesting...I know, it's kind of slow going right now and much of this story will be a little more slow paced. But that's because Rian's character isn't an out there, in your face type of person. And she's relearning how to be "human" again...but I really enjoy writing her, because she's so different from my other OCs and the interactions she has are great! And don't worry, the story will pick up a little more as we go on...I've been figuring out where it's going and I have a pretty solid idea for at least the next seven or so chapters, give or take... so anyway, that's my ramble for this chapter.**

**And, now, you see the button that has the green word "Review"? if you could click it and tell me your thoughts, I'd love to hear what you have to say!!! :)  
**


	3. Getting Closer

Chapter 3- Getting Closer

**A/N: okay, here's another chapter! It's still kind of slow through the next couple of chapters just because Rian has to get used to all this new weirdness of having people to be friends with...but it will pick up, I promise! :) oh, and I own nothing of Harry Potter--sadly. alrighty, enjoy! **

_Looking for something I've never seen  
Alone and I'm in between  
The place that I'm from and  
The place that I'm in  
A city I've never been_

_Trust Me-The Fray_

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"Oi, Rian, wait up!" I heard Sirius call from behind me.

I groaned inwardly and picked up my pace. Sirius hadn't given up on trying to help me. And by help he meant getting me to tell him why someone had used me as a canvas to paint a rainbow. I had made sure to keep my sleeves rolled down at all times and I tried my best to avoid him. But the prat kept materializing out of thin air wherever I was. It was creepy how he knew exactly where I was. It had been going on for a month now and I was getting sick of it.

"Hey, slow down!" he said, catching up with me.

"Go away," I snapped at him. "I told you, it's nothing to be concerned about. If it was, do you think I'd really be stupid enough not to get help?" I asked him.

"No, but I do you think you'd be scared enough," he replied. I turned a corner to a deserted corridor and picked up my pace even more. I was practically jogging now.

"Sirius, leave me alone!" I said loudly. The Prewett twins had a bad influence on me—a month ago I wouldn't have been able to look Sirius in the eye, now I was glaring him down.

"Why won't you let me help you?" he asked.

"Why do you want to so badly?" I countered. He paused and I could tell he was wondering the same thing. "Exactly. You don't have a reason. So go away."

"Why won't you let someone else help you then?" he pressed on. "You seem to be getting on well with the Prewetts, I'm sure they would be interested to know why someone would want to hurt you."

"It's not any of their business either, so just leave them out of it," I said, spinning round to face him. My abrupt stop caught him by surprise and he stumbled a little as he tried to stop, too.

"Then whose business is it?" he asked. "You need help, Rian."

"I need help? What, just because I have few bruises?" I scoffed, determined to make him leave alone once and for all.

"A few bruises?" he asked incredulously. And before I could stop him, his hand shot out, grabbed my wrist, and he pushed my sleeve back to my elbow. "Look at that, Rian! Does that look like 'a few bruises'?"

I didn't answer him because I couldn't. He was displaying my humiliation and making me see what it was. I knew and he knew, and we both knew that the other knew, but for him to force me to face it was just so unfair. It was yet another example of how weak I was—I couldn't protect myself and I couldn't hide. What good was I?

"Rian, you are so very delusional if you think that this is nothing," Sirius said heatedly. "I'd hate to see what the rest of you looks like." I all but flinched at that because he was right. The rest of me was just as ugly as my arm.

"Why do you care?" I asked softly. "You don't know me, you don't have a stake in what happens to me. So, why, all of a sudden, do you care so much?"

He didn't answer for a minute. Something passed through eyes—pain? Understanding? I wasn't sure, but he dropped my arm and said quietly, "I can't tell you that. But I can tell you that the way you're being treated is wrong and you need help."

He turned and walked away from me. I stayed there, wondering how someone who knew so little about me could see so much. And what was he hiding that he couldn't tell me? I highly doubted that the great Sirius Black would have ever allowed himself to be treated in the same manner that I had. He was strong and stubborn, how could he know anything of the life I lived?

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The first Hogsmeade trip was at the end of October. I liked going to Hogsmeade and rummaging through all the little shops they had. It was all very magical—pardon the pun—and it never ceased to be amazing. Of course, I usually did all my exploring alone, never before having friends to go with.

I had been getting used to Fabian and Gideon's ever present presence and I found that I liked being around them more and more. They were endlessly entertaining and yet I found them very easy to talk to. I told them about growing up as a muggle and about my father being a Squib. They, in turn, told me about all the trouble they'd gotten into as kids—things like stealing their mum's wand or playing with the floo powder, even when they weren't supposed to. The conversations we had sometimes bordered on serious topics, but then one of them always said something to lighten the mood and that was that.

Now I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my reflection. I always fretted over what to wear when we didn't have to wear our uniforms. Not that I didn't have clothes to wear, I just never seemed to fill them out the way I should. I was a petit person to begin with—standing at five foot five inches and I weighed just under one-hundred and twenty pounds on a good day. I desperately wished I could gain weight because I knew how sickly I looked most of the time. It was always worst at the beginning of the new term because I'd have spent a summer eating only what Mack would give me, which was never much. Sometimes even the smallest sizes of clothes hung baggy on my thin frame and it always bothered me. During lessons it was easier to hide because of my robe.

My face was oval shaped and I rarely ever wore make-up. I looked fairly plain, I thought. My skin was good and I had an average sized, normal looking nose. My lips were neither thin nor full, just average. My eyes were a greenish-gray and I had dead-straight ashy blonde hair that fell half-way down my back. I usually wore it tied up in a messy knot at the back of my head to keep it out of my face.

I sighed, taking one last glance at my reflection, and headed downstairs. I half-expected nobody to be waiting for me, but I should have known better. Fabian and Gideon never missed an opportunity to harass me with their company. And sure enough they were there, waiting.

"Ah, there's our perky little friend!" Fabian exclaimed when he saw me. "Are you ready for an unforgettable day in Hogsmeade?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," I laughed.

"Well, then, let's not waste any more time," Gideon said.

And with that we made our way out. It was indeed a day to remember. The Prewett twins were, as always, entertaining. We stopped in at Honeydukes first where they insisted that I buy loads of sweets, just as they were.

"But I don't like all that sugar," I protested, as they kept handing things to me.

"Who doesn't like a good overdose of sugar?" Gideon asked as though I were crazy. "It's not going to kill you, Rian. Besides, you could use some junk food. I mean, look at you! You'd think you were on some sort of crazed diet."

"What my insensitive, lesser half means to say is that you shouldn't worry about what you eat," Fabian added, punching his brother in the arm.

"No, you're misunderstanding," I said, shaking my head. "It's not that I don't like sugar because I think it's unhealthy. I don't like it because it doesn't sit well with me."

"Well, what about chocolate? Every girl loves chocolate, right?" Gideon asked, loading a bunch of chocolate frogs into my arms.

I shook my head, but didn't say anything. I knew it was pointless to argue with them because I'd be outnumbered every time. So I allowed them to fill my arms with sweets of all kinds, figuring I could pawn some of it off on my dorm mates. After we paid for the candy, they led me down the street and into the joke shop. The two boys had me in stitches over the way they acted. They didn't need anything from the joke shop and yet they still left with a bagful of tricks and jokes.

"I swear, I've never laughed so hard in my entire life," I said, still giggling. I couldn't actually remember the last time I'd laugh so carelessly.

"Yes, well, we live to entertain and you my dear are the perfect audience!" Fabian exclaimed.

"And why is that?" I asked.

"For the sole reason that you are so very entertained by us!" Gideon told me, as Fabian grabbed my hand.

He began to do some sort of weird impromptu waltz thing down the street. And even though we were attracting quite a bit of attention, I couldn't have cared less because I was having too good of a time. I was laughing, a pure happy sound that hadn't escaped my lips in years, as Fabian began to twirl me round and round. He brought me close to him and then spun me out. But he spun me too fast and our hands disconnected. I went flailing backwards, stumbling and laughing, trying to find my balance again. But I hit someone as I was falling and he steadied me. I turned and saw the Marauders there, having been walking in the opposite direction.

"Oh, Sirius! I'm so sorry," I laughed. "I didn't mean to bump into you."

"That's quite alright," he replied, smiling. "You seem to be having a good time."

"What? Oh yes, Fabian and Gideon were just showing me the true wonders of the village!" I said dramatically. "It's been quite the day."

"I can see that," Sirius laughed.

"Yeah, Rian, I don't think I've seen you laugh this much since the accident," James said smiling too. The laughter died from my voice almost immediately.

"What accident?" Fabian asked as he and Gideon reached us. I gave James a look, trying to get him to shut up without having anyone else realize what I was doing. Unfortunately for me, Sirius was watching me closely.

"Oh, er, just something that happened years ago. Nothing to get riled up over," James said quickly, realizing his mistake. "Right, Rian?"

"Right," I said, all smiles again. "Well, again, I'm sorry for crashing into you guys. We'll see you later!" And with that, I seized the Prewett twins by the hands and dragged them down the street.

"Whoa! What's the hurry?" Gideon asked laughing.

"You still have half a day to entertain me! Don't tell me you guys are done," I said, trying to subtly change the subject.

They went along with it and we continued our fun. We stopped in the Three Broomsticks and I had fun watching the two of them harass an amused looking Madame Rosmerta. After a couple of butterbeers, we went up to the Shrieking Shack and the two of them told me the ghost story about the monster that supposedly lived there. I'd heard it all before, of course, but it was definitely much more engaging with the two of them telling the tale.

By the time we reached the common room later that day, I was well worn from laughing so much. Fabian and Gideon seemed rather pleased with themselves at having kept me so thoroughly entertained for the whole day and kept congratulating each other. I left them there in the common room, in all their ridiculousness, and took my bags up to my dorm. I was still chuckling to myself as I opened the door to the dorm, their voices drifted up after me.

"You seem in a rather good mood, Rian," Lily said as I set my things on my bed.

"Oh, yes, well, the Prewett twins took it upon themselves to show me Hogsmeade as they know it," I said smiling. "And it is definitely a different village with those two as the tour guides."

"I would imagine so," she said, exchanging a look with Alice that didn't go unnoticed by me.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Nothing," Alice said quickly, but when I just looked at her she went on. "It's just that, well, you seem different Rian."

"Different?"

"In a good way! You seem," she paused and tilted her head to the side, as though she couldn't think of the right way to describe it. Finally she decided on, "happy. You seem happy."

I frowned as I thought about this. "And I didn't seem happy before?"

"Well, not really. I mean, nobody has ever really gotten to know you, have they? And it just seems that the Prewett twins, well, they bring out a better side of you," she replied, with a smile. "I like this new Rian."

"Er, thank you?" I said, unsure of how I was supposed to respond.

"Listen, what d'you say to some girl time, with Lily and me?" Alice said, after exchanging another look with Lily. "Tonight? Marlene and Rachel won't be here," she added, referring to other dorm mates. "They'll be too busy with their boyfriends."

"It'll be fun," Lily promised me with a smile. "I mean, we've been talking, Alice and me I mean, and we don't really know you. And you don't really know us. It could be good bonding time."

"What d'ya say?" Alice asked.

I looked at the two girls before me, so eager to get to know me now that I was this 'new' Rian. But I had to admit, I kind of liked the idea. "Okay, sure, I'm in," I said.

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Later that night, I was beginning to regret this whole girl-time-bonding thing. I got along great with Fabian and Gideon because they didn't press for information. They didn't pry for anything more than I was willing to give. And I loved that about them. Apparently, for Lily and Alice, girl time meant gossiping and spilling things about their lives. I wasn't good at that.

"So, Rian, tell us about you," Alice said, jumping onto my bed and wriggling to get comfortable. "What is your story?"

"My story?" I asked.

"Yeah, you know, what was your life like before Hogwarts?" she asked.

"Well, I grew up near a wizarding village, although I didn't know that until I got my letter to Hogwarts. My father was a Squib, but he didn't want to be too far from the world he grew up in," I said, shrugging. "I actually grew up with James Potter," I added and they both just looked at me.

"You knew James when he was little?" Alice asked, a wolfish look in her eyes, as Lily jumped onto my bed too.

"Yes, we played together all the time, but I never knew he was a wizard until the letter from Hogwarts came," I told them. "The Potters are old friends of my family."

"And was Potter nearly as pigheaded back then as he is now?" Lily asked.

"No, and I don't think he's really all that pigheaded now, either," I said honestly.

"Are you kidding me?" Lily asked, incredulously.

"Well, he only makes an arse of himself when he's around you because he likes you so much," I said. "I mean, when you're not around he's really quite normal. At least, as far as I've seen."

"This is priceless," Alice was mumbling to herself. Lily and I turned to look at her. "Lily, imagine all the stories Rian can tell us about James Potter! We will have ammo against him until we graduate! We really should have become friends before now," she said to me.

There it was again, that word—_friend_. People threw it around like it was some casual term, but for me it was anything but. I wondered if they really wanted to be my friends or if they were just being nice.

"So then, what happened to your father?" Alice was asking me now.

"Come again?"

"You said he _was_ a Squib, that implies that he's not anymore," she said, matter-of-factly. "So what happened?"

"Oh, well," I paused, unsure of what I should say. Nobody but James knew about the accident and I wasn't sure that I wanted anyone else to know. But I couldn't lie either and they were both looking at me expectantly. "My parents died in a car accident just before I started at Hogwarts first year."

"Oh, Rian, I'm so sorry," Alice said, sitting up. "That's just terrible!"

"Yeah, it was," I said quietly. "It was a drunk driving crash, I was the only survivor. We'd been on our way home after shopping for all my Hogwarts supplies. It was late, we live a long way from London, and it was dark. The other driver was totally tanked and he blew right through the intersection. They said my parents died on impact and it was a miracle that I survived. I actually walked away from the wreck with just a few scratches, no serious injuries."

Lily and Alice sat there, listening to me relive the single most awful moment in my life. Listening to how I should have been dead too, but because I was witch and I couldn't control my powers at the time and I had just reacted, well, I was saved from an untimely death. If only father hadn't been a Squib, then maybe he and my mom would still be here and I wouldn't be stuck with Mack. I looked up at the two girls before me and they seemed to be struggling for words to say.

"I was saved because of the fact that I'm witch, so I should be grateful, I suppose," I said.

"You're not?" Lily asked. "Grateful that you weren't killed?"

"Part of me is, but there's a part of me that wishes I could have saved them too," I replied, looking down at my hands. "It's hard when you're the only magical person in the family and you can't do anything to help."

"I know what you mean," Lily said gently. "My sister and I, we don't get on very well anymore because I'm a witch and she's not. She refuses to talk to me because I have something she doesn't. And I would give anything to change that because we used to be so close. It really does suck when you're the odd one out."

I looked up at her, studying her pretty face. I wanted to tell her that the stories weren't connected—she still had her parents who doted on her. I knew they did because Lily was worth being praised and proud of. But if I said anything I'd have to explain about Mack and that just wasn't an option. Besides, I suppose the stories were related, in a way, and it did make me feel better to know that she had some of the same troubles that I did when it came to sibling relationships.

"So what happened after your parents died?" Alice asked. "I mean, where do you go during the holidays?"

"Oh, well, my brother's been taking care of me since then," I said, with no expression in my voice. "He's seven years older than me and my parents named him guardian if anything should have happened to them. He and I don't get along very well most of the time, but he's my brother."

"Well, as I said, I'm very sorry that your parents died and in such a gruesome way," Alice said sincerely. I smiled at her.

"Thank you, that means a lot," I told her. And it did.

"I think we should talk about something that will lighten this gloomy mood!" she said, smiling brightly. "I'm sure that you are dying to know whether or not dear Lily over here truly hates James Potter as much as she says she does, aren't you Rian? I know I am," she added, turning to grin at a flustered Lily.

"Of course I hate Potter! Why in Merlin's name would you think any differently?" she asked affronted. "He's nothing but an annoying little toe-rag and he will never be anything but that!"

"I'd say she's a little a defensive, wouldn't you?" Alice asked, nudging me.

"You know," I spoke up, "denial is the first sign of attraction." I said this with no inflection, just as a fact.

Alice looked at me and then she burst out laughing. She reminded me of Sirius that day on the train, when he had laughed and laughed at me because of what I'd said. Lily grew even redder and began spluttering nonsense, not able to make a coherent sentence.

"Oh Merlin, no wonder the Prewett twins took such an interest in you, Rian," she choked out between guffaws. "You are bloody hilarious!"

"Well, it's true," I said, feeling defensive, but not in a bad way. "Lily denies that she likes James, vehemently I might add, because she can't come to terms with the possibility that she just may like him. It's a fact," I said and Alice howled with laughter even louder.

"That is—I mean, really—how could you—" Lily continued splutter at me.

And as I watched the two girls, I felt something bubble up inside me. A giggle escaped my lips as I watched Alice turn purple from laughing so hard. Lily was beet red from trying to defend herself against my words, but she was doing a poor job. And the sight of the two polar opposite reactions was making me laugh.

"You're hysterical, Rian," Alice said ten minutes later when we could all speak normally again.

"Oh yes, so funny," Lily said, sticking out her tongue good-naturedly at us.

And as much as I hated to admit it, I found myself with two more friends that night. I wasn't nearly as inept at getting along with other people as I thought I would be.

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**hmm...she's just a friend making machine, isn't she? And what about Sirius? what is his unhealthy obsession with her? (okay, so maybe it's not an obsession, but whatever...) anyway, the review button is right below this and I would love to know what you think!! :p**


	4. Christmas

Chapter 4- Christmas

**A/N: alrighty, here is chapter 4...I would have had it up earlier, but I was out of town earlier this week, consequently in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been! :) it was a good trip! anyway, this chapter is kind of a filler, just to get some things moving, and there's a bit of setting up for later on in the story...it might be a little boring, but I promise things are going to pick up in a couple of chapters!! anyway, enjoy!!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Harry Potter, only what you don't recognize!  
**

_It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
For me  
And I'm feeling good_

_Feeling Good- Michael Bublé_

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It was a funny feeling. I had people who actually wanted to spend time with me. And not just that—they _fought_ each other for my company. Well, it was more of a banter, but still, I had never had anyone fight for me period. I had never before been something to be desired, something of consequence. Apparently, now I was. Fabian and Gideon didn't take to kindly to the fact that they now had to share me with Lily and Alice. Lily and Alice, for their part, told them that I needed girl time. It was a constant back and forth and I usually just watched in amazement that they could care that much.

"Look, here, you red haired harpy, you get to see her in the dorm and in classes," Fabian said to Lily one night. "We have to wait until meals and after classes, so therefore we should get to spend time with her now."

"I am _not_ a harpy!" Lily exclaimed, indignantly. "And you had the whole first part of the term with her! Besides, don't you two have some trouble to cause?"

"No, it's the Marauders' turn for mischief and mayhem," Gideon quipped and she threw him a dirty look.

I listened to the banter, knowing that it was all in good fun. The Prewett twins and Lily and Alice didn't mind sharing the time, at least I didn't think so. I wasn't sure why they insisted on this silly fighting though. I suspected it might have something to do with Fabian and Gideon's ridiculous need for attention. But I wasn't complaining—it was rather entertaining.

"If you don't mind an objective party cutting in," came a new voice. We all turned to see Sirius standing there. "Maybe you should ask Rian who she wants to spend time with."

And then they all turned expectantly to me. I glared at Sirius, who just grinned back. I didn't want to make a choice because that would be like picking favorites. And I liked all of them. I didn't say anything for a minute, hoping they'd just go back to arguing. But I had no such luck.

"We could just all hang out together," I suggested, looking at Alice. "I mean, that is the obvious solution, isn't it?"

"Why yes, it is," Alice said, feigning shock. "I wonder why nobody suggested that before? Oh wait, I've only been suggesting it for the past ten minutes!"

I laughed because it was true. While the Prewett twins and Lily had been going at each other, Alice had been trying to give this solution. But between the three of them, she couldn't get a word in edgewise.

"Fine, we'll all play nice," Fabian conceded, dropping onto the couch next to me.

"You really are quite overdramatic," I told him.

"Well, nobody would listen to us if we weren't," he replied. "Honestly, look at poor Alice over here—she couldn't get us to listen to her because she wasn't screaming at us."

"Yes, perhaps she should have told Lily what she wanted to say," Gideon added, winking at the three of us girls. "She's got no problem getting people to listen to her."

"And just what is that suppose to mean?"

"It means that you are very upfront about what you want," Fabian said. "It's a compliment."

"Didn't sound like one," she muttered darkly.

And that's how it went. As I said, the banter was all in good fun. Lily was just so easy to rile up that it was hard to resist sometimes. I had been getting better at not taking things so literally all the time and I even made jokes on purpose now. Of course, whether I was joking or not, they all still laughed.

The only thing that bothered me was Sirius. While he didn't track me down anymore, he still studied me closely when he thought I wasn't looking. I had no idea what I had done to warrant so much attention from him, but I wish he'd stop. The way he looked at me was unsettling—as though he _knew_ exactly where my injuries had come from. It sent shivers down my spine sometimes to look up and see his intense eyes trained on me. Other girls would have died to have Sirius look at them so intently—I would have killed to get him to stop.

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"So what are you doing for the holidays, Rian?" Lily asked me one morning in December.

"I'm staying here," I said as I got ready for classes. Alice was already gone. "I always stay here—my brother and I get along much better with distance between us. Are you going home?"

"Yes, my parents would never let me get away with not coming home for Christmas. It's the best time of year in my house," she said, smiling. "And Alice is going to spend the holiday with Frank and his family."

"Sounds serious," I said, raising my eyebrows.

"Oh, it is," Lily agreed. "I suspect he'll propose to her by next summer."

I had no response for that, so I finished tying my tie and checked my bag for my books. I was a little sad that my friends would be leaving for Christmas. I never thought I'd be sad to be alone, but there you are. Fabian and Gideon were going home, as well, to see their family. Their older sister had had her third child in August and so they were required as the uncles to go and see the baby. I didn't know of anyone staying behind with me, actually.

"So what are you going to do with all this free time?" Lily asked me as we walked down to breakfast. "I mean, ever since the Prewett twins got a hold of you they haven't given you a moment's peace."

"It's not that bad," I replied laughing. "You know, I always thought I'd hate to have to interact with people. I've never been good at being social and I'm always awkward. But with those two, it's just…I dunno, it's just effortless."

"That's how friendships should be," she said with a slight frown. "I mean, when you have friends who are really your friends, well, you shouldn't have to work at it. They should just like you for who you are."

"Maybe that's what the problem was," I mused, more to myself than Lily.

"What's that?"

"I never thought that anyone would like me for just being me," I said. I had never voiced that aloud, but it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

"Rian, you're a wonderful person. Of course people will like you!" she said, giving me a look. "You just have to give them a chance."

She had a point. I had never given anyone a chance before, always assuming that people wouldn't like me. I had never considered that I might actually be able to have friendships. Of course, I only had Mack to compare to and I was deathly afraid of having to deal with someone like him. I didn't want that. So instead of risking the rejection, I didn't set myself up to fail. But now I was finding that maybe I had been wrong.

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Soon the holiday was upon Hogwarts and everyone was gone. The castle looked beautiful, as always, but this year I found I didn't appreciate it as much. I was sitting in the common room, wondering what to do with myself now that I didn't have anyone to consort with. The grounds were snowy and it was a perfect day for a snowball fight, but what fun was that with just one person? No fun, none at all. As I sat there, depressed at all the things I couldn't do, I marveled at how I had once not only chosen loneliness, I'd preferred it. Now I couldn't remember why.

I was just in the middle of flicking little rolled up balls of parchment into the fire when the portrait hole opened. I looked over my shoulder and saw Sirius coming through it. Of course he was staying. It was just my luck that the one person I would like to have a break from wasn't leaving. It wasn't so much that I disliked Sirius, I just didn't like his unhealthy obsession with me. It could have been my imagination, I suppose, but I swear he was watching me every chance he could. And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

"Hey, I didn't know you were staying," he said to me now, as he sat next to me on the couch. "Doesn't your brother want to see you?"

I looked at him for minute, wondering how much James had told him, and then said, "He had other plans. It's no big deal."

We lapsed into silence. I wondered why he was staying, but I didn't care enough to ask. Besides that would just be inviting more attention and conversation, which was the last thing I needed from Sirius. After a couple of minutes I could feel him looking at me. I hated be the sole focus of attention, it made me incredibly self-aware and self-conscious. I suspected that Sirius had something to say to me, but because he wasn't sure how I would react he just didn't say anything all. He stared at me instead. And it was driving me crazy.

"Can I help with you something?" I asked turning to face him.

"No, I don't believe so," he replied unflinchingly.

"Then would you kindly please stop studying me like I'm some sort of Picasso," I said testily and he frowned.

"A what?"

I sighed, realizing I'd made a muggle reference, and told him, "Never mind, it's just something from the muggle world."

Silence fell between us once more and while Sirius had stopped staring, there was still this weird tension. He made me nervous because I didn't know how act around him. I couldn't figure out what he was thinking or what he anted from me. But it wasn't like it had been with the Prewett twins or Lily and Alice. No, this was something completely different because Sirius knew part of my big bad secret. He'd seen the bruises and welts. He hadn't said anything to anybody, but I still didn't trust him.

And it was then that I realized the reason that I didn't trust him. He hadn't reacted as I had suspected a normal person to react. He hadn't looked away in revulsion or tried to get away from me in disgust. He'd tried to help—at least, he had offered to help—but he hadn't reacted to the injuries. He'd reacted to me not wanting to talk about it. He was angry because he knew that there was something more to the bruises and welts. But he hadn't been repulsed by me.

In fact, the opposite reaction had occurred—he'd become fascinated by me. Perhaps that's the wrong word to use, but how else do you describe someone who just sits and stares at you all the time? And that was what bothered me about Sirius. The fact that he was interested in why I had so many injuries wasn't something I had anticipated.

"Rian, can I ask you something?" Sirius asked a while later.

"Um, okay."

"Are you staying here because you don't want to see your brother?" He looked up at me. "Because you don't want him to hurt you anymore?"

When I finally found voice, I tried to sound indifferent as I told him, "Why would you think such a thing? My brother doesn't hurt me." But I could hear the slight waver of fear in my voice and wondered if he could too.

"Well, I've been thinking a lot about this and I think he does hurt you," he replied, eyes boring into mine. I wanted to look away, leave, something, but I couldn't make myself move. "James told me about your parents."

"He shouldn't have," I said quietly. "That wasn't his place."

"Don't blame him, I kept pestering him about it," Sirius replied and I rolled my eyes.

"It's none of your business what happened," I said more confidently than I felt. One of the positive things that had come from hanging around the Prewett twins was that I was more outspoken. And that would help me in this situation, I hoped.

"Rian, can you really not see what he's doing to you?" he asked me quietly. "Or are you just trying to hide it from everyone? Because either way you're not handling the situation."

"Why are you so interested?" I asked, scooting away from him. "You have never given me a legitimate reason as to why I should tell you anything."

"I'm interested because you won't let anyone help you," he said. "I'm sure you've said nothing to your friends about the bruises."

"What bruises?" I asked, feigning confusion, as I rolled up my sleeves. All the bruises and welts had finally faded away, leaving nothing but mostly smooth skin behind. "I don't see any bruises. Do you?"

"Rian, this is serious," he said sternly and I stood up.

"No, Sirius, it's none of your business," I told him for what felt like the millionth time. "Stop bugging me about things that don't concern you. Stop staring at me, it's really starting to weird me out. Just leave me alone."

I didn't wait for him to respond. I went upstairs to my dorm and stayed there for the rest of the night. I didn't know how he'd figured out it was Mack, but I wasn't going to confirm his suspicions. I wasn't ready to open up that floodgate of trouble for anyone, least of all Sirius Black.

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I hid out in the library for most of the next day. I didn't want to talk to Sirius, didn't want him to ask me anymore on-the-dot questions. He was a little too close to the truth for comfort. And the truth, well, that was my burden to bear. And I'd been bearing it for so long that I didn't think I'd know how to ask for help anyway.

I was in the middle of working on a complicated charm when I heard footsteps approaching me. I was in my usual spot at the back of the library, so I knew there could be only one person coming back here. I sighed and continued to concentrate on the charm, hoping that if I didn't even acknowledge him, Sirius would go away.

"Hey," he said sitting down next to me. I didn't say anything, kept me eyes glued in front of me. "Rian? He-llooo?"

When I still didn't say anything Sirius started different tactics to get my attention. First he tried staring at me, but I'd gotten too used to that to really break. Then he just said my name, over and over again. It got rather annoying, but he gave up on that too. It was the poking that did me in. He started slowly at first. Just poking me in the arm—poke…poke…poke. I kept my eyes trained on the book I was charming, trying my best to ignore him.

But then the poking got more insistent. Poke, poke, poke, poke…finally, I got fed up, grabbed his poking finger, and bent it back as far as I could. Since Sirius wasn't expecting such a violent reaction, I had the upper hand.

"Ow, ow, okay, okay, I give up," he said, trying to pull his finger out of my grasp. I let it go and glared at him.

"What do you want?" I asked, and then another thought occurred to me. "How the bloody hell did you even find me?"

"Looked everywhere else," he said, massaging his finger. "You're not a very hard person to track down, you know. I just thought about where the best place to get away from everyone was and here you are."

"Go away," I said annoyed.

"Look, Rian, I'm not here to lecture you," he said. "I thought about what you said and you're right. I really have no business telling you what to do because I really don't know you that well."

"No, you don't," I said carefully, wondering what the catch was.

"So, I figured the only solution that will satisfy both of us is for us to be friends," he said and I looked at him.

"Friends?"

"Yeah, friends," he repeated. "What, you don't want to be my friend?"

I thought about that. Sirius—god-among men, every girl's dream, perfect in every way—wanted to be my friend. I had to wonder if there was an epidemic going around that was making everyone crazy. Nobody had noticed until just a few months ago and now it seemed like everyone was. But did I want to be friends with Sirius? It would warrant a lot angry girls if they thought I was trying to make a move on the object of their affection. And there was the fact that he _knew_ things that I didn't want anyone to know. Plus, if I was Sirius' friend, then that would almost certainly mean James would be my friend by association. And with James and Sirius came Remus and Peter—it was like a package deal. That would be eight people who were friends with me—I could barely keep up with the four I had now.

But maybe if Sirius got to know me he would leave alone. Maybe once he saw that I wasn't so special, nothing to be concerned about, he would just forget about the mysterious injuries. And as wrong as it might be to let Mack's words get to me, I couldn't help but think that if he was right and I wasn't worth the time of day then Sirius would soon see that. And then he'd forget about me. Either way it was a win-win situation, in a sick twisted sort of way.

"Alright, we can be friends," I told him. "But you can't tell anyone—and I mean _anyone_—about the stupid bruises, or anything else you may think you know. That will be between just you and me."

"Okay," he said simply.

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On Christmas Day I woke up to find a small stack of parcels at the foot of my bed. I was sufficiently surprised to have more than one gift—I usually only got one from Mr. and Mrs. Potter—and immediately felt a twinge of guilt because I hadn't thought to get anything for anyone. But I could make it up, I supposed. I sat down on the floor at the foot of my bed and pulled the closest parcel to me.

It was from the Prewett twins. I opened it to find a light green sweater, handmade, and soft to the touch. I pulled it on and it hugged me in all the right places. It was warm and comfortable and I knew it would be my new favorite thing. I picked up the note and read:

_Rian—Our sister loves to knit sweaters and so we told her that you needed one badly. They are fantastically warm and the best things since magic! Hope you like it and we'll see you in a couple of weeks!_

_You two most favorite people ever—_

_Fabian and Gideon_

I smiled to myself as I set the note aside and picked up the next parcel. I recognized Lily's slanted handwriting and tore the paper away. It was a book on adapting magic to fit the muggle world. I turned it over and read the back, thoroughly interested. She and I had talked about all the pros and cons to both the muggle world and the wizarding world. The next gift came from Alice and she had gotten me a picture frame. Inside was a picture of her, Lily, and me that we'd taken a few weeks ago. I looked at me in the photograph, hardly recognizing the girl I saw. She was smiling, happily, looking as if she belonged there with these other two girls. I sat there, staring at the picture for a long time, a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Finally I grabbed the last of the parcels, from the Potters. They had sent some homemade sweets—Mr. Potter was a fabulous cook—and new quills and ink. I set them aside, smiling yet again because Mrs. Potter always seemed to know exactly what I needed. I looked at all my gifts once more, smiling broadly, and then got up and got dressed.

Sirius was in the common room when I came down a half an hour later. "Merry Christmas," he said cheerfully.

"Merry Christmas," I said.

"New sweater?" he asked as I sat down next to him.

"Yeah, it's from the Prewett twins," I said, noticing he had some ribbon in his hair. "You look very festive."

"Aw, thanks, Rian," he smiling goofily at me. "Here, let me make you festive, too!"

I smiled and shook my head as he took some more ribbon and proceeded to tie it in my hair. Sirius had turned out to be different than I had imagined. He was a nice guy, to be honest. He was funny—nearly as much as the Prewett twins—and he and I had some great conversations about the most random things. But the strangest thing of all was the feeling of security I had around him. It was inexplicable, to say the least, but I felt a sort of calm spread through me when I was with him.

"There!" he exclaimed. "Now we are officially festive enough to celebrate Christmas!"

"Well, jolly good then, shall we go to lunch?" I asked laughing.

"Why, yes, we shall."

Lunch was quite the affair. The few Slytherins that had stayed scowled through the whole meal, but other than that everyone enjoyed themselves. Dumbledore went ended up with a red and green feather boa that he draped over his shoulders. I had gotten a sombrero that was two sizes to big and Sirius was wearing a ridiculous beanie. It was a good time, everyone joking around and talking. It was the best Christmas I'd had in a long time.

As we went back upstairs, full from the good food, Sirius and I joked about whether or not Dumbledore might be a cross dresser.

"I'm telling you, Rian, that man wore that boa a little _too_ comfortably," he said, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Oh stop! I did not need that image in my head!" I exclaimed covering my ears with my hands.

"I'm just saying is all," he shrugged, laughing.

We passed Dorcas, the Prewetts' cousin as we reached the second floor landing. She was leaning against a wall casually, as though she'd been waiting for us. Sirius nodded in her direction, acknowledging her. One corner of her mouth lifted in a smirk and I wondered what she was thinking.

"Why hello there," she said, falling into step with us.

"Hi," I said.

"You're my cousins' friend, right? The one whose name they didn't know?" she inquired and I frowned slightly.

"Yes. I'm Rian," I said, wondering what she wanted.

"Oh, I know who you are," she said.

"What do you want, Dorcas?" Sirius asked impatiently.

"Just wanted to say hi," she replied, all innocence. But there was something about the way she said it that didn't sit right with me.

"Well, hello," he said, shortly. "And good-bye."

Sirius sped up and I thought it odd of him to be so rude. I glanced at Dorcas who still had a smirk on her face, as though she knew something that I didn't. It was unsettling. I quickened my pace to catch up with Sirius, leaving the strange girl behind.

"What was that all about?" I asked once we'd turned a corner.

"Oh, that girl is just a right pain in the arse," he said, rolling his eyes. "I dated her for a bit and she's still sore about it."

"Oh." I thought there might be more to it, but I didn't press the issue. Dorcas had nothing to do with me, really.

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**so, what do you think? Is Dorcas going to be a problem? Does she really know something? hmm....only time will tell :) let me know what you think!**


	5. Almost Normal

Chapter 5- Almost Normal

**A/N: hey all, here is the next chapter!! Things start to pick up a little and I know it's been slow going, but I promise, in just a couple of chapters there will be more action!! so enjoy!! oh, and I keep forgetting to put this in here, but THANKS so much to everyone who's reading and/or reviewing. It really does mean a lot!!  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of Harry Potter  
**

_So I'm burning the thoughts of the things that I once said  
Because you tore down the walls that the world has put inside my head  
And I just get sick of things that we think, we think we know_

_And no, none of it's true cause I never knew you  
And now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you  
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you  
For my head, for my heart, for whats true_

_So take me and save me and change me and then make me  
And embrace me and then brave my heart for you_

_And as they strolled along__ My heart broke out in song_

_From all the things and the thoughts and_

_assumptions that I had wrong_

_Never Knew- The Rocket Summer  
_

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It bothered me slightly that I felt like my new friends were hiding something from me. I first suspected it with the whole Sirius-Dorcas scene at Christmas. But it was something more than that. I had to wonder why the Prewett twins had wanted to be my friends in the first place. It had seemed odd, but at the time I hadn't thought to question it. But now it was bothering me.

The problem was I didn't know how to bring it up without seeming accusatory. I didn't want any of them to think that I was ungrateful for their friendships, far from it. But I wanted to know. Perhaps I just needed the reassurance that I was being crazy. So how didI get the faith I needed without offending anyone? It was conundrum, indeed.

"Hey there stranger," I heard Sirius' voice say as he sat down next to me. I was in the library, in my usual spot, studying for a runes test.

"Hey," I said, glancing up at him. "How's it going?"

"Oh, well, I'm just wandering around, looking for something to do," he replied shrugging. "I see you're busy at work, just like every other day."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," I said, pausing to look at him.

"It's not." He shrugged again. "I just think that you need to have some fun, too."

"I have fun," I said, a bit defensively. "I'm friends with Prewett twins, how could I not have fun?"

"I think you should try having some fun with me," he said and I looked at him.

"Er, Sirius, I have a vague idea of what _you_ think fun is and I will tell you that I want no part of _that_," I told him, raising an eyebrow. "But you must desperate if you turning to me for _fun_"

He laughed and shook his head at me. That was thing about Sirius—nothing I ever said seemed to offend him, even if I intended it to. He just got a kick out of me, laughing at the most unexpected things that I said. And as strange as it seemed, being friends with him was easy. It was different than the Prewett twins or Lily and Alice. I couldn't explain it, but he seemed to understand in a way that nobody else did. Sometimes it was the way he looked at me or the things he said, but he had become a good friend.

Our friendship was an odd one, to say the least. During the day he was busy with the Marauders and I had my own band of friends to hang out with. It wasn't so much that we kept our friendship a secret,—the others knew—we just had a different friendship. Not to mention our own groups of friends. Sirius and I talked, a lot, but it was usually just the two of us, late at night or in the library. It was like he waited until he knew I would be alone, so that he didn't have to compete for my attention.

We talked about the most random things. He told me all about growing up in a pureblood house and I told him about the muggle world. I had no problem sharing things with him—well, most things. And he never again said anything about the bruises and welts from earlier that year. I knew he thought about it and I knew he came close to bringing it up, but he never did. It was a secret between the two of us and I planned to keep it that way. I wondered from time to time if he would tell anyone else, but he had held true to the deal we had.

"That wasn't what I was implying, Rian," he said now, smiling devilishly at me. "But if that's you want to do…" his voice trailing off suggestively.

"Oh be quiet, you," I said, giving him a little push. "What did you have in mind then?"

"You have to trust me, okay?" he said, his face lighting up.

"It can't be anything good if you won't even tell me," I said, amused.

"C'mon, Rian, it's not anything bad, I just want it to be a surprise," he said.

"Alright, fine, I trust you," I conceded. "Now what?"

"Now, we leave."

I started to question him, but put a finger to my lips to silence me. "Nope, no questions, love, you'll just have to wait and see."

I packed up my things and he led me back up to the common room. He told me to grab my cloak and gloves, which made wonder what on earth we could be doing outside at this time of night. But he wouldn't let me question him, so I just did as he asked. Then he led me back through the castle and out the front doors. It wasn't quite curfew yet, but it was close.

We trekked along the snowy grounds. It was just the end of January, but it had snowed recently and the grounds sparkled in the moonlight. It was quite a sight, I had to admit. Sirius led me down to the lake which had been frozen over since mid-December.

"Here, put these on," he said, handing me a pair of ice skates. "James told me that you used to skate," he added to my inquiring look.

"James has told you quite a lot about me," I commented, sitting down and putting the skates on. They were a perfect fit.

"Yes, well, you interest me," he said, shrugging.

"And why is that?" I asked, standing up and stepping onto the ice.

"I dunno," he said, following me. "You're very different than I expected you to be."

"And what did you expect me to be like?"

I skated a little ways away, spinning figure eights. It had been years since I'd been on the ice, but it felt so natural. When my parents had been alive we'd go skating all the time during the winter. I wasn't brilliantly talented or anything, but I could do a few tricks. After they'd died, Mack got rid of everything that reminded him of them. It was his way of grieving, I suppose.

"You know, for the past five years you've done everything you could to keep people away," he said, skating wobbly behind me. "I didn't really have an opinion of you, to be honest."

"That's a nice way of saying you didn't know who I was," I replied, twirling in an upright spin.

"I knew who you were," he replied defensively. I skated out of the spin backwards, giving him a look. "I did. You're in my house, in my year, so of course I knew who you were. But because I never really you saw except in class, well, I didn't really think about you one way or the other."

"I see," I said. I skated faster, gaining a little momentum. I felt a rush as I prepared, locked in, and executed a decent toe loop.

"Very nice," Sirius commented.

"Thanks," I said, smiling at him. It was still slightly unbelievable that I was friends with this boy, so popular and charming. "So, this summer when I fell out of James' fireplace, if I had asked you my name, you would have been able to give it?"

"Of course," he said, no hesitation. "Although I didn't know you lived so close to James. Or that you'd two had grown up together," he added. I slowed and watched as he skated around the ice. He struggled a little, awkward on the ice because he was inexperienced.

"You seem to be having some trouble," I said, laughing.

"Oh, no, I love skating," he said, waving his hand at me. "I do it all the time."

"Mmhmm," I said. And then replying to his previous statement, "It's not shocking that you didn't know I knew James before Hogwarts. It's not like we're exactly best friends."

"He said you guys had been pretty good friends when you were younger," he said, almost falling. "But that changed after your parents died."

"And what did he tell you of that?" I asked, spraying some ice as I came to a stop next to him.

"It was a car accident, drunk driver. He said you were lucky to even be alive," Sirius said, looking down at me. He was trying to balance on his skates, but having trouble. I reached out my hand to steady him and he grabbed it, holding on tight. "He said that you sort of shut down after that. Didn't want to talk to anyone about it, didn't want to interact with people."

"My family and James' are old friends," I said. "And they've been really good to me over the years. I don't know what I would have done if weren't for Mrs. Potter. But my parents' deaths changed a lot of things."

"Like your brother?" Sirius asked.

I sighed, knowing that this would come up. "Mack just handles things badly sometimes. It doesn't make him a bad person. And can you blame him for being angry? He had to grow up at seventeen to take of me. I feel bad for that and I wish like hell that I could have changed what happened."

"It's not your fault that your parents died, Rian. And your brother should know that, too. There was nothing you could have done to stop it," he said firmly. "And blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault isn't good."

"It's hard," I said, shrugging. "The only thing that saved me was magic and the fact that I couldn't control it. Somehow, someway that protected me. And having to live with myself knowing that has been harder than anything."

"Your parents wouldn't want you to think like that," he replied. "They would be proud of you, for all that you've done."

I stood there, wanting to make him see that I was responsible for their deaths. It was something I'd never questioned before simply because I _knew_ it had to be true. But Sirius was making it hard for me make my argument because I knew he was right, too. I shouldn't have blamed myself for their deaths. But Mack had beaten so many twisted lies into my head that it was hard to distinguish the difference anymore. So I took a breath and let Sirius' words sink in. I was not responsible and therefore I wasn't worthless. And I was starting to really believe that.

"Thanks, Sirius," I said finally.

"Anytime." He smiled at me and I saw something in his eyes. It was…tenderness?

Nobody had looked at me like that in such a long time that I couldn't place it. But it was a look that my father had sometimes gotten on his face when he looked at me or Mack. My mother had always had some variation of it in her eyes. I couldn't figure out why Sirius would look at me like that—we were just friends. And there was no way that he would be interested in me like that. The god-among-men Sirius Black dated pretty, popular girls, not damaged, plain ones like me. And yet here we were.

"Well, what say you to helping me get the hang of this?" he asked, breaking his gaze away from mine. "I must look ghastly the way I've been going."

"Sure, c'mon," I laughed at him.

I showed Sirius how to move smoothly on the blades of the skates. He was awful, to say the least, and it was endlessly amusing. He fell more than a few times, taking me down with him. And even though it hurt, I couldn't help but laugh about it. We would lie on the ice, freezing our arses off, laughing hysterically at nothing in particular.

After another hour so we were finally cold enough to call it quits on the skating. As we walked up to the castle I couldn't resist scooping up some snow, packing it firmly in my hand, and chucking the snowball at the back of Sirius' head. It hit the target dead on and he stumbled a little. Turning round to face me, I tried to look innocent.

"Oh, you have no idea what you've started," he said, an evil grin spreading across his face. "You will pay!"

"You'll have to catch me first!" I exclaimed, sprinting away. I bewitched more snowballs to fly behind me, but I wasn't looking to see if they were hitting him.

"Ha!" Sirius tackled me and we went flying to the ground. The snow cushioned the impact and we rolled a bit before landing in a heap, Sirius on top of me. "Now you shall feel my wrath!"

I wiggled under him, trying to squirm free. But he wasn't going to let that happen. He kept scooping up snow and dropping on my head, laughing all the while. After a couple of minutes I stopped struggling and reached for my next best weapon—more snow. I started to throw it in his face and soon we were laughing to hard to do anything. He rolled off and lay beside me.

"You know, I'm glad we're friends," he said after a minute. I turned my head to look at him only to find him staring at me.

"Yeah, I am too," I said.

"But I have to tell you something," he continued. "And it's okay if you don't feel the same way and if you don't, well, I don't want it to be weird. Okay?"

"Um, okay?"

"I like you, Rian," he said and I froze. "I mean, like more than a friend," he added quickly.

I couldn't think of anything to say. It couldn't be possible. But Sirius was looking at me with such sincerity and intensity that it had to be. We were so close, our faces were almost touching and our breath was intermingling. He was waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't find my voice. Did I like him as more than a friend? I wasn't sure. I had just gotten used to what it felt like to have friends and be a friend. I hadn't entertained any notions of attraction to anyone. But the way I felt about Sirius _was_ different than the way I felt about my other friends—different than the way I'd felt about anyone. And I had opened up more of myself to him than to anyone else. He brightened my day and I was always happy to see him. Did that mean I liked him?

"Why?" I could have kicked myself. Of all the things I could have said and I had to ask him why.

"I can't explain it," he replied, shaking his head. "There's just something about you that pulls me in. You have this way about you and you don't even realize it. And, I dunno, I like you."

I thought about this. And then I told him, "I think I like you, too. It's strange, I've never even thought about what it would feel like to like someone. But I'm pretty sure I like you."

"Well, that's good, because I won't feel nearly as awkward when I ask you out for the next Hogsmeade trip," he said, smiling.

"Yeah, sure," I said. And then, because I need to clarify everything, I asked, "Does this mean that we're together?"

"I dunno? Does it?" he asked me.

"I was asking you," I said.

"Well, only if you want to be," he replied. "I don't want to force you into anything you don't want."

"Okay. But can we keep it low key, at least for a while?" I asked and he frowned slightly. "I just don't want the whole school to know. I don't handle attention very well, if you remember."

"Okay, I can understand that," he said.

We lay there for another minute, just staring at each other. Then, he shifted onto his side and brought his hand up to cup my chin, tilting my head towards his. Before I could ask what he was doing, he pressed his lips against mine softly. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but it was breathtaking all the same. He pulled back slightly, looking at me.

"I couldn't resist," he said smiling.

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Sirius kept true to his word and we didn't tell anyone that we were together. At first things were just as usual. We kept to our respective groups during the day, sending each other sideways glances during lessons. At night, I'd beg off from the Prewett twins and Lily and Alice, going to my favorite hiding spot in the library. And that's where Sirius would find me. We'd sit there together, holding hands, talking about nothing in particular. For the first couple of weeks he'd press a kiss to my lips when we'd leave and that was that. But one night, towards the end of February, the dynamic changed. We'd been talking about what we wanted to do after Hogwarts.

"I've never really thought about anything else except becoming an Auror," Sirius said, looking at the book shelf in front of us. "It just seems like the next logical step for me. I want to make a difference and I want to stop people like my family."

"That makes sense," I said, nodding.

"What about you?" he asked, looking at me. "What do you want to do?"

"I never gave it much thought, I guess," I said, frowning. "I enjoy everything about magic, but I don't think I'm cut out to be an Auror. I'm not nearly brave enough."

"That can't be true, you're in Gryffindor!" he disagreed, dramatically.

I couldn't disagree with that fact, but I knew I wasn't brave. I'd always run away when it came to uncomfortable situations. Having friends made me realize that Mack was wrong, I wasn't worthless, but I still let him use me as a punching bag. I didn't have the strength to stand up to him or ask for help. It was strange, then, that I had been put in Gryffindor in the first place. But when I'd been sorted, the Sorting Hat had told me that while I was very smart and would do wonderfully in Ravenclaw, I would flourish much better in Gryffindor. It told me that I had a strength of spirit that most people only dream of and that one day I would need it more than I knew. I still had no idea what the hat had been on about, but I sometimes thought it had made a mistake placing me in Gryffindor. Although, I hadn't had that thought in a long time.

"Well, at any rate, I don't think I'd like being an Auror," I said now, laughing at him. "I really enjoy Charms and Ancient Runes the best, so I'll probably go into something with that, like curse breaking or translating."

"That's very interesting," he said. "Curse breaking could be cool—I mean, you never know what's waiting for you on the other side of some ancient cursed tomb!"

"You have an overactive imagination, you know that?" I asked.

A comfortable silence fell between us and I leaned my head against his shoulder. Sirius had been very patient with me, never pushing me to do anything that I didn't want to. I knew that he was much more experienced than me when it came to these kinds of things and I was grateful that he didn't pressure me. I smiled to myself, thinking of how great things were right now, in this moment. I had friends, I had a boyfriend…I never thought I would be a part of other people's lives in such an intimate way, but I was constantly being proven wrong. I had almost forgotten about Mack—I certainly didn't think of him as much as I used to. I smiled and laughed and enjoyed things and that was something I hadn't been able to do in years.

I turned to look up at Sirius. His gaze met mine and I saw that tender look in his eyes again. There was something about that look that made me feel so safe and secure, as though nothing bad would ever happen to me again. And curiously, I found myself making the first move this time. I shifted, so that we were facing each other and I kissed him. It was just a soft, chaste little kiss, but somehow I found myself wanting more of him. So I kept going, kissing him again. And he responded, deepening the kiss. His hand came up to cup the back of my head and my hand went to his face.

is Hi

We kept going, the kiss getting deeper and deeper. I turned around, straddling him, so that I was in a more comfortable position. His other arm looped around my waist, pressing me closer to him, and my hands were tangled in his silky hair. He ran his tongue along the edge of my lip and my mouth opened, as though my body knew what to do even though I didn't. He took over the kiss, guiding me with his mouth. His tongue was past my lips now and my tongue was pushing back. It seemed so strange that it should feel so natural, but it did. I thought kissing like this would be awkward, but it somehow wasn't.

I broke away first, gasping slightly for air. Sirius tipped his head back, breathing heavily, too. For a second we sat there in our awkward position—Sirius with one hand behind my head and one around my waist, me in his lap with my hands still in his hair.

"Wow," he said, letting out a breath. "That was…incredible."

"Yeah," I agreed. I checked my watch. "We should get going, the library's going be closing soon."

"Okay." He leaned forward and gave me one more long kiss before letting me get up.

We walked back to the common room, hand in hand. I kept stealing glances at Sirius. He seemed to be trying to keep this goofy grin off his face, but he was failing miserably. I smiled in spite of myself.

"What are you grinning like an idiot for?" I asked playfully and he looked at me.

"I was just thinking, and this is going to sound like a line, but it isn't," he paused, letting out a little laugh, and then said, "I was thinking how out of all the girls I've been with, none of them have ever kissed me like that before. And I've had some good kissing sessions."

"I bet you tell all your girlfriends that," I said. Only a part of me thought it was true, though.

"No, really, I don't. And I know it sounds so completely cheesy, but it's true," he said and I smiled at him.

"I believe you."

We walked through the portrait hole hand in hand into the dark common room. It seemed to be empty, but I heard a rustle of movement from somewhere by the couches. I turned to Sirius, to ask him what it was, but then a loud voice said, "I _knew_ it! I told you, didn't I? I _told_ you that they were meeting up!"

I looked up to see the Prewett twins and the other three Marauders standing there. I was too surprised to say anything for a second. It seemed that James and Remus and Peter were, too. Sirius and I should have sprang apart or pretended to be doing something else, but we didn't. And I think it was because we both knew we were busted.

"You were right, Fabian," James said shaking his head. "I would have never guessed."

"Of course I was right, I'm always right," he replied airily. "And as for you two, well, all I have to say is I am so very disappointed," he said, turning to Sirius and me.

"Yes, I mean honestly, we're supposed to be your _friends_, for Merlin's sake!" Gideon said dramatically. "I feel very insulted that you would keep this from us." The Marauders looked like they agreed with the Prewetts and they waited for us to defend ourselves.

"Well, you see, the thing is," I started, but Sirius cut me off.

"Rian and I didn't want everyone to make a big deal out of this," he said, giving them all a pointed look. "Like you are right now."

"Well, the only reason we're making a big deal out of it is because you've been hiding it!" Fabian exclaimed. "How long?"

"Does it really matter?" I asked.

"Yes, yes it does, Rian," Gideon said gravely. I tried not to laugh at them because they sounded ridiculous.

"It's been, what, a month?" I looked at Sirius who nodded.

"Yeah, that sound about right," he said.

"You kept the fact that you were dating someone from us for a month?" James asked incredulously. "You can't keep secrets about anything girl related! You're usually going on and on about it."

"This is different," Sirius said simply.

The boys just looked at us. I felt my cheeks reddening, but not as bad as I thought they would. Peter looked very confused and James seemed to be trying to figure out how he hadn't seen it. Remus was smiling, like he'd known all along, and the Prewett twins had identical looks of offense on their faces. And I couldn't help it, I tried my hardest to hold it in, but a giggle escaped from between my lips.

"Oh and I suppose you think it's funny, do you?" Gideon asked, trying to glare at me.

"If you could see you faces, you'd be laughing too," I said and after a second he smiled too.

"Yeah, well, I suppose we'll forgive you," he said. "But just this once."

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**A/N: yes, I know, a bit of fluff at the end there, and kind of in the middle, but she deserves to be happy, right? anyways, if you could just hit that review button at the bottom of the screen, well, I'd just appreciate it soo much!! :)**


	6. Harsh Truth

Chapter 6- Harsh Truth

**A/N: hey all! sorry, it's been a while since I've updated, but my family was visiting from home last week, so that took priority. anyway, here is chapter 6, things are going to take a turn, so I'll let you get on with it!!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything Harry Potter  
**

_Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes  
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean  
For it to feel like this  
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised_

_Bruised- Jack's Mannequin_

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I managed to get away from the boys, who were still worked up over the fact that Sirius and I had kept our relationship a secret. As much as I hated being the center of attention, I liked having people know. It made it more real, somehow, as though if other people knew it couldn't just be all in my head. And that in itself was worth it.

"Alright, spill, where have you been?" Alice asked before I'd even closed the door to the dorm.

"I've been in the library," I replied, raising an eyebrow at her. "I told you that was where I was going."

"See, I told you the Prewett twins were crazy," Lily said, rolling her eyes. To me she added, "They're convinced that you and Sirius are together or something."

"It makes sense," Alice protested, turning to look at Lily. "I mean, Rian isn't here, Sirius isn't here. What more do you need?"

"Just because they both happen to be gone at the same time doesn't mean a damn thing," Lily scoffed. I could feel a smile playing on my lips. If they would just let me get a word in edgewise…

"They happen to be gone at the same time every night and they aren't going to the same place?" Alice asked disbelieving. "Please, Lily, are you really that thick?"

"They can't be together," Lily said matter-of-factly.

"Why not?" I asked, slightly offended.

"No, I didn't mean that the way it sounded," she said quickly, looking at me. "I just meant that it's not something you two could hide. I mean, we all know Sirius has a thing for you, but nobody thought you liked him like that."

"Speak for yourself," Alice said, sticking her tongue out at Lily. "Rian, please, before I go insane!"

"The Prewetts were right," I said, shrugging. "Sirius and I are together."

"WHAT?" they both yelled at the same time. And then Alice leapt off her bed, grabbed my arm, and pulled me onto Lily's bed with her.

"Details. Now." She looked at me so seriously that I was actually afraid for my life for a second.

"Yeah, how come you didn't tell us?" Lily asked, sitting down.

"I didn't want this kind of reaction," I said. "I hate attention—you both know that—and, well, dating Sirius is going to do nothing but attract a _lot_ of attention."

"Oh, honey, I can't believe you'd want to keep this a secret," Alice said, looking at me as though I'd lost my mind. "Do you know what this means?"

"Er…no."

"You are now at whole different social status. If people didn't know who you were before, they certainly will now," she said.

"I hate to say it Rian, but Alice is right," Lily said. "Once people find out, well, you won't be able to hide out efficiently anymore. Sirius is _the_ most sought after guy in the school."

"I know that," I said. "Which is why I'm hoping you'll keep it down about this. The last thing I need is people staring and whispering at me."

"That's not the only thing you have to worry about, I'm afraid," Lily said, exchanging a look with Alice.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked, frowning.

"Well, Sirius is kind of a ladies man," Lily said slowly. "And he has been known to be a bit of a heartbreaker. You should just be careful, is all."

"I didn't think of it like that," I said. Sirius seemed to genuinely like me, but I did need to think about his reputation. Maybe I was making a mistake.

"I'm sure he won't intentionally hurt you," Alice said, putting a hand on my arm. "Sirius likes you, anyone can see that. Lily is just saying to be careful, because sometimes even the best of people can screw up."

I nodded, still feeling troubled. I hadn't thought of any of the consequences of my relationship with Sirius. What if he got bored of me or he stopped liking me? And there were all the girls who would hate me on principle, simply because I was with him. I didn't handle things like this very well. What had I been thinking? Well, clearly, I hadn't been thinking.

But as much as I thought about the bad things that could come of our relationship, it still didn't outweigh the good. Sirius had _seen_ me and he was still here. He had the most peculiar way of making me feel special and wanted. So maybe it would end up being a mistake. But would it really be a bad mistake?

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Somehow even the Prewett twins managed to keep it quiet that I was dating Sirius. I didn't have to worry about the crazy population of Hogwarts for a couple of more weeks, which was nice. But eventually it did get out that Sirius and I were dating. It caused an uproar that Sirius Black was dating me, some unknown girl. And yet, I still didn't regret my choice to be with him.

"Look, they just can't enough of you," Sirius joked at dinner one night. I looked up to find a bunch of fifth year girls staring at us.

"Ugh, I wish they'd get over it," I said, shaking my head. "I mean, is it really so surprising?"

"Do you want an honest answer to that?"

"Oh be quiet, you."

I looked up as the Prewetts sat down across from us. They had, apparently, lectured Sirius on what would happen should he break my heart. Sirius told me they were actually quite frightening when they put their minds to it. I had laughed for a long time as I imagined the two of them cornering Sirius and telling him how to treat me. The fact was, Sirius didn't need the lecture. He knew how to treat girls, that much was obvious.

"If I have to answer one more bloody question about the two of you I may just snap and go on a hexing spree," Fabian said, glaring around the great hall.

"Honestly, d'you know how many people haven't even heard of you, Rian?" Gideon asked, rolling his eyes.

"Um, my guess would be everyone who is under sixth year and not in Gryffindor," I replied, seriously.

"Oh, ha ha, aren't you just the funny one?" Fabian mocked, but he smiled a little. "It's quite ridiculous."

"Agreed," I said.

"And do you know who's most put out about the whole thing?" Gideon asked, looking at Sirius. "Dorcas."

"Really?" Sirius asked, in a disinterested tone.

"Yes, really," Fabian said an edge to his voice. "Said she couldn't believe that you'd go for someone like Rian—her words, love, not mine—and that she thought you would have known better." Sirius looked up at that and a look was exchanged between the three of them. I felt like I was missing something.

"Well, it's really none of her business, now is it?" Sirius asked shortly.

"That's what we said, but she wouldn't have any of it," Gideon said. They'd seemed to have forgotten me for the moment and I was trying to figure out exactly what was going on.

"Look, just watch out for her," Fabian said.

"Am I missing something?" I asked and they all turned to me.

"Er, no, it's just that Dorcas is sore about the way our relationship ended," Sirius said, exchanging another look with the twins. "Which, might I add, was a year ago. Nothing to worry about," he added, smiling at me.

I smiled back, but I was still confused. That girl Dorcas seemed very unpleasant, but I had to wonder what she had to do with me and Sirius; other than the fact that they had dated. But it felt like there was more to it than that. I passed her in the corridors sometimes and she'd sneer at me, as though she knew something I didn't. And I didn't like that feeling at all.

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Soon April was upon us and with it came another Hogsmeade trip. Even though Sirius and I'd been dating for more than two months, this would be our official first date. I wanted to look nice, but as usual I was having the problem where nothing I tried on looked good. I hated dresses and therefore I only owned two. But they seemed awkward on me. And all of my nice clothes either didn't fit right or were dirty. I was about to lock myself in the bathroom and stay there all day when Alice came to my rescue.

"What in the name of Merlin are you doing?" she asked as she passed me. I was lying on my bed with my pillow over my face.

"Trying to become invisible," I mumble through the pillow.

"Why? You have a date with Sirius Black," she said and I could hear the amusement in her voice. "You should be ecstatic."

"I would be more so if my clothes would work," I said, flinging the pillow off of my face. "Nothing looks good."

"Oh please, Rian, you just have to work it," she scoffed. "C'mon, get up. I'll help you. But you have to trust me, okay?"

"Alright, fine," I said, standing up.

Alice picked through the chaos of my clothes and tossed me a pair of old jeans and a black t-shirt. I pulled them on and stood in front of the mirror. The jeans fit alright, but the shirt was much too baggy. Alice came up behind me, pulled the shirt tight, and a tied a knot in it off to the side. She took my hair down out of its usual mess and handed me a comb.

"Here, run that through your hair," she said and I did so. "Now, do this," she added, flipping her head over and then back again. I imitated her, feeling foolish.

"Honestly, how is this going to help?" I asked.

"Just trust me," she said, handing me my Chuck Taylors. I pulled them on and then she spun me round to face the mirror again.

The effect was better than it had been before. The t-shirt, tied off like it was, fit me much better and it didn't look nearly as ridiculous as I thought it would. My hair, which I never wore down, had a tousled look to it that I'd never been able to achieve before. I stared at my reflection, marveling at how just a few minor changes could make the whole look so much better.

"Okay, Alice, I will never doubt again," I said, smiling at her.

"Glad to hear it," she said, smiling back.

I went downstairs to find Sirius waiting for me. He, of course, looked great without even trying and I almost hated him for it. He looked up at me as I walked towards him and smiled.

"Hey, look at you," he said, kissing my cheek. "You have your hair down and everything."

"Ha, ha," I said dryly, smiling too. "So, what are we doing today?"

"Well, we have the rare and wonderful opportunity of not having all of our friends around us, for at least half the day, so what do you want to do?" he asked as we walked out of the portrait hole.

"Hmm, let me think," I said. "You know, I've always wondered what the inside of Madam Puddifoot's looks like," I added, sardonically.

"Please tell me you're joking," Sirius said, eyebrows rising. "You have no idea how many times I've been forced to go in there."

"Yes, of course I was joking," I laughed. "The place seems like a nightmare."

"It is," he said darkly.

"Well, what do you want to do?" I asked him and he looked at me.

"I want to spend the day with you," he replied. "I don't really care what we do."

So we wandered around. Sirius showed me a little shop towards the outskirts of the village that specialized in magical trinkets and jewelry. It had very strange and interesting things to look at. There was necklace that had a beetle shaped pendant on it. It glittered in the dim light of the shop, seemingly alive. And there were rings of all different shapes and sizes, which were advertised to repel different creatures. We spent the better part of an hour in there, looking around at all the things. From there we made the usual rounds, taking our time. We had fun, laughing and talking, holding hands…I felt truly happy. And there was nothing in the world that could have brought me down from that.

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We met the others in the Three Broomsticks later that afternoon for a glass of butterbeer. Frank, who was a seventh year, had come with Alice and was joking around with the Prewetts and the Marauders. Lily and Alice were talking to each other, ignoring the boys next to them. Sirius and I got our drinks and went to join the group.

"Finally!" Alice exclaimed, seeing me. "Here, sit, sit."

"I didn't know you missed me so much, Alice," Sirius said, winking at her, sitting down next to James. "It's nice to know you care."

"Oh, bugger off, I want to talk to Rian," she said, rolling her eyes, but smiling all the same. "Go and talk boy stuff," she added and he laughed at her.

"Okay, so spill," Lily said, almost as excited as Alice.

"Spill what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at them.

"Details! Duh! About the date," Alice said, tugging me closer. "How's it going?"

"It's fine," I said, wondering what all the fuss was about. "We've just walking around, poking into shops, and talking. I'm having a good time."

"Did he take you to Madam Puddifoot's?" Alice asked, narrowing her eyes. "That's a sure fire way to know it's not going to last."

"Why d'you say that?"

"Because all the girls that Sirius takes there are only temporary," she replied. "He takes them there to make out with them and then two weeks later they get dumped."

"Oh, well, no, we didn't go there," I said. "He seemed like he didn't like the place much."

"No straight male in their right mind would like that place," Fabian said, interjecting himself into the conversation.

"Yes, I mean, honestly, what is it that girls see in it?" James asked, shuddering. "It gives _me_ the creeps."

"I think it's a way of testing boyfriends," Frank said, shooting a look at Alice, who blushed. "If we can stand it in there for at least half an hour, then we must be real men."

"I think it's cute," Alice said, a tad defensively. "Besides, I always go with you to that stupid joke shop, so we're even."

I shook my head at them, laughing. Sirius put his arm around me and I leaned into his shoulder. I had never felt so at ease in a group of people. And even though I didn't know Remus or Peter or Frank all that well, I wasn't the nervous wreck I would have been six months ago. I marveled at how much I had changed in such a short amount of time. I was a completely different person and it was thanks mostly to the Prewett twins. Had they not come barging into my life I probably would have never come out of my shell.

"Look, let's just leave it at the fact that it's creepy and girls use it as a torture device for their dates," Gideon was saying.

"Whatever," Alice muttered, but I knew she was trying not to smile.

"So, how was your day?" Fabian asked Sirius and me. And just like that, we were the center of attention.

"Fine," I replied, shrugging.

"And you behaved yourselves?" Gideon asked, in a stern, mock-motherly voice.

"Oh shove off, you wanker," Sirius said good naturedly. "What Rian and I do is our business."

"Yeah, I'll bet it is," Fabian said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Oh, be nice," Lily said laughing.

"Hey, it's about time we started heading back," Remus said, before the Prewetts could torture us anymore.

"Oh, Moony, you are a savior," Sirius said, dramatically.

We made our way through the village talking and laughing. Sirius had his hand intertwined with mine and was telling jokes with the Prewetts. We were about halfway down the road when Dorcas, the Prewetts' cousin, caught up to us.

"Well, aren't we all just having a grand time?" she asked from behind us. We turned to see her with her hands on her hips.

"What do you want, Dorcas?" Fabian asked, annoyed.

"I told you not to mess with me anymore," she said nastily. "I know it was you two who told everyone that I have an incurable disease."

"Oh, lighten up, would ya?" Gideon said rolling his eyes. "It's not like anyone actually _believed_ us, is it?"

"That's besides the point!" she exclaimed loudly. "You two have been giving me grief for as long as I can remember. I'm the laughing stock of my house! And I'm sick of it."

"You really do have no sense of humor," Fabian sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, you have our word, we'll stop messing with you. Since it's such a big deal."

"No, it's not that simple anymore," she said shaking her head. "I'm going to give you a taste of your own medicine and see how you like it."

"What are you on about?" Gideon asked, suddenly serious.

"I think you know," she replied, glancing at me. What did I have to do with this?

"I'd think very carefully about that, if I were you," Fabian said, just as serious as his brother.

"I have and it's about time you two were brought down a peg or two," she said.

For a minute they stood there, staring at each other. Dorcas obviously knew something that the Prewetts didn't want her to say. And I had a bad feeling about what she was about to say. It was strange, as though I knew what was coming. And yet nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

"Rian, do you have any idea why my idiot cousins took such an interest in you?" she asked, turning to me.

"Dorcas, don't," Gideon warned, but she ignored him.

"It's really quite funny," she continued. "You see, that day on the train, after you'd rushed out to wherever, I happened upon their compartment. I'd came back to give them another piece of my mind, but what I heard them saying was far more interesting."

She paused and I glanced around. I noticed that the Prewetts weren't the only ones who had reacted to what she was saying. I felt Sirius stiffen next to me and I saw the other Marauders looking at Dorcas with something close to loathing. Even Lily and Alice seemed to know what was going on. And it was something that revolved around me.

"You see, they were talking about you, the quiet girl they'd met. James was saying how you were a loner, how you didn't like to interact with anyone," she said and I watched James' reaction—he closed his eyes and he seemed to be counting to ten. "Sad, really, because you're such a nice person, Rian. James told Fabian and Gideon that you didn't have friends."

"I swear to Merlin, Dorcas, if you don't shut up now," Fabian said, glaring at her.

"You'll what?" she asked maliciously. "Exactly. You see, Rian, you're what's referred to as a pity project. My cousins couldn't believe that you didn't have any friends and James insisted that nobody had ever been able to get close to you. So he and Sirius here stuck up a bet with them. They bet that these two blunder heads couldn't get you to open up and be friends with them. They had a month to befriend you and get you to interact with the rest of humanity."

I was now focusing on the Prewett twins. They looked like they were a step away from killing Dorcas, but they weren't denying it. None of them were denying it. I pulled out of Sirius' grasp and took a step back from them. They all had guilty looks on their faces and I wanted to believe that it was all a lie. But it wasn't, I could see as much on each and every one of the faces of my so-called friends.

"Do you want to know what you're worth?" Dorcas asked, smiling cruelly at me. "The bet was that the loser had to pay up twenty galleons. You'd think the bet would be higher, but then again…well, you are kind of unmemorable," she said and Sirius let out a low hiss. "Oh, touchy. And, Rian, what do _you_ want to bet that your relationship with Sirius is just another bet? Or something he's doing out pity? You are rather pathetic."

I stood there, listening to this spiteful, bitter girl tear down the world around me. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, I could feel it. All I wanted was to get out of there, but I couldn't make my feet move. I looked around at the group of people I'd put so much trust in over the past few months. I'd opened up and let them in, believing that they had really wanted to be my friends. And here they were, doing nothing to object to the accusations that Dorcas was projecting. That spoke louder than anything they could have said.

"Is it true?" I asked to the group at large. I had no doubt that it was, but I needed to hear it from them.

"Rian," Fabian started, but I cut him off.

"Is it true?" I asked a little harsher this time.

"Yes," Gideon said, shortly. "But you have to believe that we never made good on that bet. We never planned to make good on that bet. After we started to get to know you things changed."

"And everyone knew, except me," I said, turning to Lily and Alice.

"Frank overheard the Prewetts talking about it with the Marauders," Alice said quietly. "He told me about it. But that wasn't why we befriended you."

"Really? Maybe it was because I'm just so pitiful that you thought you were doing your civic duty," I said.

"Rian, it was stupid, but we really didn't mean any harm," James said. "It just sort of happened."

"You had no right to tell them anything about me," I said viciously. He looked surprised at the tone of my voice—they all did. I'd never raised my voice to anyone before. "You of all people should have understood why I wanted to be alone. But it wasn't enough that I was miserable on my own, no, you had to turn it into some sick twisted game."

"It wasn't like that," James protested.

"Rian, please, you're taking this all wrong," Sirius said, taking a step towards me.

"Wrong? How am I supposed to take this?" I asked backing away from him. "This is exactly the reason I never wanted friends—when you're alone nobody can backstab you. You can't get hurt if there's nobody there to hurt you. I can't believe I was so stupid."

"Rian, we never pretended—" Gideon started.

"No, I wasn't pretending!" I shouted and he fell silent. "Everything, all of it, was real for me! And now you all can go have a good laugh at my expense, which I suspect is what you've been doing all along."

I turned and started running back towards the castle. They called after me but I didn't look back. All I could feel was a coldness washing over me as my world crumbled to the ground. Mack had been right, all along he'd been right. I was worthless and that would never change. I hadn't thought that there could be anything worse than being alone, but I'd been so very wrong. Being alone you just feel loneliness. You feel disconnected and outside of something bigger. But what I was feeling now was worse than anything I'd felt in my life, including the guilt I carried with me for my parents' death. What I felt was heartbreak and there was no cure for that.

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**will she really revert back to her old ways or will she forgive and forget? hit that button at the bottom of the page and let me know what you think!!**


	7. Better Off Alone

Chapter 7- Better Off Alone

**A/N: hey all!! sorry it's taken me so long to get this up...I had to finish up my essays for school and then I was in Ireland for a few days, but now I have lots of time on my hands!! so, hopefully, I'll be able to update more quickly! :) **

**DISCLAIMER: c'mon, did you really think, even for a second, that I owned Harry Potter? didn't think so...  
**

_Happiness is just outside my window  
I thought it crashed blowing 80-miles an hour  
Happiness a little more like knocking  
On your door, you just let it in_

_Happiness feels a lot like sorrow  
Let it be, you can't make it come or go  
But you are gone- not for good but for now  
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good_

_Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard  
Happiness was never mine to hold  
Careful child, light the fuse and get away  
'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks_

_Happiness damn near destroys you  
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor  
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now  
Happiness has a violent roar_

_Happiness- The Fray_

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I didn't slow down until I was at the door of the castle. I walked through the corridors, trying to catch my breath and keep it together until I could find a place to break down. The problem was that all of my hiding places were no longer secret. I knew they would try to find me and spin the story a different way, because they felt bad about poor, pathetic Rian. I had never in my life felt so humiliated, not even when Sirius had found out about the bruises. This was different. I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen this coming. I had watched first hand the way these things went—there was always an agenda. And I had been blinded by my own weakness, my own need to be proven wrong.

I was just thinking about where I could hide, pacing up and down the same corridor, when I noticed a door. I don't know how I missed it, but I opened it and found some sort of secret room. It had a bed and a fireplace and it reminded me of home back before my parents died. I slipped into the room and locked the door behind me. I looked around the room, feeling everything crashing down around me. I flung myself onto the bed, burying my face in the pillows, and then the tears came.

And with the tears came the inevitable panic attack. I used to get them all the time, just after the accident. If anyone put me on the spot or I got too flustered I would have a breakdown. I could usually hold it in until I got somewhere safe, like the back of the library. I knew it was no good to fight it because it just made it worse. And so I lay there, waiting for the attack to pass. My body convulsed and contorted with the gasping, wrenching pain of not being able to breathe. There was a pain deep in my chest, but I knew that had nothing to do with the panic attack.

After a while, I tried to calm down. And every time I got close I would remember that I had been played like a cheap deck of cards and I would lose it again. I don't how long I kept this cycle up—it was quite a while—but eventually I calmed down enough to breathe regularly. I cried into the pillows of the bed, wondering what was wrong with me. Mack hated me, didn't want me, but was stuck with me and therefore he punished me. And my friends—it hurt so much to use that word—had betrayed me in the worst way possible. I was nothing more than a charity project to them.

What seemed like hours later I drifted off to sleep. I didn't dream, which was a relief because that was the last thing I needed. Thankfully I slept through the night and most of the next day, forgetting about everything. When I did wake up and remember, I would just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I couldn't face the world, not yet. I didn't know if I ever would.

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When I finally got up it was well into the next afternoon. I looked around the room again, wondering whose it was. Or if it was anybody's at all. It seemed very odd that this room should be here, when I so desperately needed it. I wished that I had some clothes to change into—the ones I was wearing were in a right state. And then, when I turned back to the bed, there was a set of robes folded in a neat pile. I held them up, wondering how they got there.

I changed into the robes, which fit me perfectly. It was a very strange room indeed. I opened the door and peaked out, making sure that there wasn't anybody passing by. I shut the door behind me and looked around the corridor. I was on the seventh floor and across from me was a peculiar tapestry in which Barnabas the Barmy was teaching trolls ballet. I made sure to remember this, in case I should need to find the room again.

I figured that by now they would have checked all the usual places, so I went to the library and hid out in my spot. I sat, staring at the books on the shelves without really seeing them. How could I have been so blind? How could I have fallen for the very trick I had been avoiding for five years? It was bad enough that I had fallen for the friendship, but it was ten times more humiliating that I had fallen for Sirius, too. He and his friends had probably had a good laugh at my expense. I didn't know if I could face them ever again, not after this.

"There you are," I heard an all too familiar voice say from one end of the aisle. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Go away," I said, not looking up at him.

"Rian, let me explain," Sirius said desperately. "Please."

"Go. Away," I repeated, more firmly.

"You have to know that I—we would never hurt you that way," he said. "The thing with the bet, that was just us being stupid boys. It wasn't even a serious bet!"

"I don't want to talk about this, Sirius," I said, trying to stay calm. I had never before felt like yelling at someone, but right at that moment I was doing everything I could to control a temper I didn't have.

"Rian, just let me explain," he pleaded.

Suddenly, I had had enough. Enough of listening to other people justify why they could walk all over me. The only person who had any legitimate reason to was Mack. But with my so-called friends, they had no hold over me. They had no right to stand there and tell me why they pretended to care, least of all Sirius. The only good thing that had come from this mess was the fact that I could now tell people off without stuttering. And that was exactly what I intended to do.

"Let you explain what?" I snapped, standing up to face him. "Let you explain how you, and your friends, and the Prewetts tricked me into trusting you? Explain how I trusted you, against my better judgment? Explain how I opened up and felt like a real person for the first time in years just to have it all ripped out from underneath me? Or would you like to explain how all of this has just reinforced the fact that being alone is so much better than letting people screw with your head?"

"Rian, I swear to you, we never pretended," he said. "Dorcas doesn't know anything."

"Then why didn't any you deny any of it?" I asked maliciously. "You just stood there and let her make a fool of me."

"She just overheard a stupid conversation and took it out of context. You have to believe that none of us wanted to hurt you. That we were sincere." Sirius was looking at me with such desperation that I almost believed him. Almost.

"It's bad enough that I have to deal with my 'friends' pitying me and taking me on as a charity case," I said, after a second. My voice was soft, dangerous, and Sirius just stood there. "But you know what makes it so much worse?"

He looked at me and I could see he wasn't sure if I wanted him to respond or not. But I went on, not bothering to wait to see what he might guess. "You. You make this whole thing so much harder to bear. I think I could deal with the fact that people pretended to be my friends, but what you did takes it to a whole new level. You pretended to _like_ me, as more than a friend. You made me believe that your feelings for me were genuine and I fell for it, like the stupid little girl I am."

"Rian, I—"

"No," I cut off his protests. "I don't want to hear your excuses. I have nothing left to say to you. And I never want to see you, or any of the others, again. But since that really isn't an option, I settle for the whole lot of you going your way and me going mine. Don't talk to me, don't acknowledge me, just pretend like I don't exist. You all had no problem doing that for five years, so it should be so difficult to do again."

I looked at him with such fury that he had no response. I glared at him, making sure he knew that I meant every single word I said. I wanted him to know that I hated him and the others for doing this to me. For putting me in this situation.

"So, if you could pass that onto the others, that'd be just great," I said. And with that I walked past him and out of the library.

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I spent the next few weeks trying my best to avoid everyone. Not just my so-called friends, but the entire population of Hogwarts. Because of my brief status as Sirius Black's girlfriend, everyone now knew who I was. And because of our little scene in Hogsmeade, everyone knew what had happened. And now I had to endure not-so-subtle glances and whispers that carried to my ears.

I hated the attention, wanted nothing more than to blend in with the wall, but it didn't mortify me as it once had. Instead, I was constantly in a state of irritation. I was experiencing a whole new range of emotions thanks to my fellow Gryffindors. Most days I wavered between the line of anger and annoyance, sometimes with some good self-pity thrown in. But what really got to me was that I was no longer the person I had been. And I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

The only reprieve I had gotten was that none of the people involve in my current state of affairs was speaking to me. I assumed that Sirius had told them to stay away, but I wasn't sure what he had said to convince them to actually stay away. The Prewett twins weren't easily swayed away from something once they had they're minds made up. And I was certain that they would have wanted to explain themselves. But none of them had tried since I had told Sirius off. And I was glad for at least that little bit of peace.

"I heard that she lives in an orphanage because her parents couldn't afford to take of her," I heard a voice say as I passed by a group of fifth year Hufflepuffs.

I kept walking, knowing that no good would come from being antagonized by them. They didn't know me—nobody knew me. I kept my pace steady and my gaze straight ahead as I made my way down the corridor. All I wanted to do was eat lunch and finish lessons so that I could spend my evening alone. Just the way I liked it.

I was passing by the Transfiguration classroom when Dorcas stepped in front of me. She had a group of girls from our year behind her, watching curiously. I looked at her, my expression blank, wondering what she could possibly want from me now. She had already ruined the only chance I had ever had at being a normal, functional human. What more could she need from me?

"Hey, Rian, I just wanted to clear the air between us," she said, in a tone of voice that had warning bells ringing in my head. "I mean, it was nothing personal. My cousins just needed to be taught a lesson. You understand right?"

"Get out of my way," I said evenly. I was counting down from twenty in my head so I wouldn't do anything drastic.

"But you had to know, right?" she continued. I tried to step around her, but she blocked me. "I mean, you are so not the kind of person Fabian and Gideon hang out with. And well, we _all_ know what kind of girls Sirius dates. And you don't fit that description."

"Apparently, neither did you since he dumped you after a week and a half," I snapped and she looked surprised for a second.

"That break up was mutual," she said, regaining her composure. "But, c'mon, Rian, you had to know it was all a sham. Why would some of the most popular people in school take such an interest in _you_?"

I looked at for a second, reminding myself that she really wasn't worth it. I had gone almost six whole years here without being noticed by anyone—that meant teachers, too. I had never caused any sort of trouble or waves at Hogwarts. But now there was a group gathering around us, watching to see what poor, pathetic little Rian would do when she was taunted. It was now widely known that I wasn't a very receptive person to pressure and attention. What wasn't widely known was that I had had enough of being pushed around.

"You know, Dorcas, I really don't know," I told her shortly. "Why don't you ask them yourself?"

"You really are pathetically naïve, you know that?" she said, a malicious glint in her eyes.

"And you're a jealous bitch, so we're even," I said and a ripple of whispers went around the crowd. "Now, get the bloody hell out of my way. Before I make you."

"Oh, look, Rian's finally grown a backbone," Dorcas crowed mockingly. "My cousins had a bad influence on you. What could you possibly do to make me get out of your way?"

I might not have been Auror material, but I was fast draw when it came to my wand. I had whipped it out and sent a nonverbal jinx at Dorcas before she could react. She started twitching and convulsing violently, falling to the floor. She writhed and screeched as she tried to scratch at every part of her body.

"Get them off! Get them off!" she shrieked.

The group of people fell silent, watching the sight of her. I turned to look at them, glaring around at the spectators. It made me sick to think that they got such enjoyment out of watching scenes like this. I hated myself a little for letting my temper get the better of me, but not enough to regret doing it.

"If anyone else wants to give me shit, go ahead and step up," I said at large to the group. They just stared back at me. "No takers?"

Nobody moved a muscle. I was beginning to see how having the undivided attention of a group could be thrilling and useful. I now didn't have to worry about at least half of the school getting in my way anymore. And they would surely make sure the other half knew what had gone down. I stepped over Dorcas and her friends parted in front of me, leaving me a clear path. I walked the rest of the way to the great hall without looking back.

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I got through lunch and the first part of Potions before Professor Dumbledore sent for me. A third year Gryffindor brought the note down to the dungeons and Professor Slughorn told me that the headmaster wanted to see me. I sighed, knowing that it was inevitable, although I expected to be talking to McGonagall. I packed up my things and left the classroom, fully aware that everyone was looking at me. Those who hadn't witnessed my little meltdown weren't sure whether or not to believe that I'd actually "attacked" another student. I had overheard bits and pieces of whispered conversation and put that much together. I guess my long term in detention would quell any doubts.

"Yes, Miss Spencer, do come in and take a seat," Dumbledore said when I knocked on his door. I sat down in the chair opposite him and he studied me over his half-moon spectacles.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?" I asked. I kept my face carefully blank and my voice normal. No need to act guilty or innocent—I would admit to the transgression if he asked.

"Miss Meadowes is in the hospital wing, having her many scratches tended to by Madame Pomfrey," he said. "And she says it was you who caused it."

"Yes," I said simply.

"You're admitting to the accusation?" Dumbledore asked, looking surprised.

"Yes," I repeated.

"Miss Spencer, using magic against another student is against the rules, as you very well know. Furthermore, it is extremely out of character for you," he lectured.

"I understand, Professor," I said. I just wanted to get my punishment and go back to class.

"As you have never had any problems with any other student, nor I might add any sort of incident like this, I must ask what happened?" He looked at me, his expression one of mild curiosity and patience.

"I'd rather not talk about it, Professor," I said. And then because I thought I might be being rude, I added, "If you don't mind."

"Miss Spencer, if Miss Meadowes provoked you in any way, then you will not have to carry the punishment all on your own," he said. "If you were provoked then I need to know."

"She didn't provoke me, at least not with magic," I replied, trying to satisfy him with the shortest of answers I could manage. "That is what you're asking, correct? If she provoked me with magic?"

"Yes, in the most literal sense of the question," he said, a thoughtful look crossing her face. "Do you mind if I asked you a question that is unrelated to this matter?"

"Er, alright."

"I've noticed a change in your behavior recently, Miss Spencer. You seem to be unhappy, certainly not pleased about something," he said and I struggled a little to keep my expression impassive. "I was wondering if that might have something to do with Miss Meadows?"

"Perhaps indirectly so," I said, unwilling to play his game. I knew what he was trying to do. Dumbledore was unsettling, as though he already knew what you didn't.

"You are very private person." It was statement, not a question. "And as such, you have a hard time opening up to others. I have noticed over your past years here at Hogwarts that you have done everything you can to keep everyone at a distance. You give the other students no reason to interact with you, you keep your head down so the Professors don't have a reason to single you out. It's a very interesting strategy."

He smiled at me, as though I might find this all fascinating. But I already knew what I was like. I wondered what point he was trying to make.

"And then, this year, you made friends. You went against your better judgment and you opened yourself up. Maybe not all of yourself, but enough for a difference to be made," he continued when I didn't say anything. "I've watched you, Miss Spencer. I think you smiled more in one week with your friends than you did in the five years combined that you didn't have those friends. You were happy for the first time in a long time. Is one mistake really worth throwing all of that away?"

I looked at Dumbledore, wondering if he really had nothing better to do than spy on the students of Hogwarts. How he could know so much blew my mind, especially since I didn't think he knew much about me to begin with. And I had no idea how to answer his question. I couldn't tell him about my home life, though with the way he was going on I thought he might know about that, too. I didn't think he'd understand what I was going through, the crippling insecurity I felt now was only the beginning. Not to mention my unwillingness to trust anyone ever again.

"Is it worth keeping if all of it was just a sham?" I asked finally and he gave a thoughtful nod.

"You make a good point, Miss Spencer," he said. "But how do you know all of it was untrue? How do you know that they didn't truly care about you?"

_Because no one cares about me_, I thought bitterly. To Dumbledore I said, "Sir, I let my guard down and left myself vulnerable. And now look at where it's got me: talking to the headmaster because I now have a temper that I didn't have before I had friends."

"Perhaps you've always had the temper, you just never had a reason to use it," he countered calmly.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I really fail to see the relevance to the current situation," I said, steering the conversation back to Dorcas. "I'd just like to know how much detention I have to serve for jinxing Dorcas."

Dumbledore didn't say anything for a long moment, just studied me intensely. It was so surreal to be here, having this of all conversations with the headmaster. I wanted nothing more than to forget about what happened, but he was making it very hard to do that. It was unnerving to think that he might know more about me that he was letting on.

"Miss Spencer, I suspect that Miss Meadowes had dug her own grave by the time you jinxed her," Dumbledore said finally. "Be that as it may, I am going to give a week's worth of detention with Professor McGonagall for using magic in the corridors. I would also like you to think about whether or not it really is better to be alone. After all, loneliness isn't very good company."

"At least loneliness can't stab you in the back," I muttered, looking down at my hands.

"Ah, but that's thing isn't it?" Dumbledore said and I looked up, surprised and slightly embarrassed that he'd heard me. "For isn't it better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out," I replied and he merely smiled his ambivalent smile at me. "Thank you, sir."

I left his office, my head spinning from our talk. I had heard that Dumbledore was loopy, but I never thought he was _that_ off center. Still, he had given me something to think about. Was I better off alone? Was protecting myself worth throwing away something that had changed me so much?

But even as I considered these things, Mack kept coming back into my mind. He had been telling me that I was worthless for years now. And I hadn't truly believed him, at least not fully. I thought that I had proven him wrong when I had made friends. But now I had to wonder, if they had kept this from me were they really my friends? Sirius had said that the bet wasn't real, but was he just saying that to cover his and his friends' asses?

I didn't know what to think. I wanted to believe that it was just a stupid mistake, but there was something stopping me. And then I realized why I couldn't get around the whole thing. If hadn't been for that bet, would any of them have paid me any attention after that first day? Would they have been so keen to get to me if there wasn't some profit in it, at least initially? And I couldn't answer that, I really couldn't.

So yes, I was better off alone. Because I didn't have to question my loyalty to myself.

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**hmm...and now if you would be so kind as to review! :) it is always greatly appreciated! **


	8. A Long Summer Ahead

Chapter 8- A Long Summer Ahead

**A/N: so here's chapter 8...I am currently sitting in the Edinburgh airport, waiting to find out when my flight will be leaving--it was supposed to go out at about 9am, but due to snowstorms on the East Coast(USA) everything is delayed...so I'm stuck here until at least midday...and I'm missing my connecting flight back home...and I haven't been home in almost 4 months...and I've been at the airport since 2:30 (it's now currently 6:20, UK time)...and I am not happy about this...so I thought I'd update this story! :)**

**DISCLAIMER: c'mon, if I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't be stuck at the airport due to crappy weather...  
**

_Now I'm wearing this smile that I don't believe in  
Inside I feel like screaming_

_I'm bruised and scarred_

_Save me from this broken heart  
All my love will slowly fade and fall apart_

_I'm finding out in the hardest way  
The consequence of every mistake I've ever made  
Baby what's it like to be alone?_

_Bruised and Scarred- Mayday Parade_

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After my little performance with Dorcas people were a little more careful of whispering around me. Nobody wanted to cross me for the fear that I would put them in the hospital wing, too. I didn't really care because it meant that I could walk down the corridors and at least pretend like everyone wasn't talking about me.

The end of the year was upon Hogwarts and with it exams. I had reverted back to my old habits of sitting in the corner and talking only when talked to. And even then, it was only if a teacher asked me a question. If other students tried to talk to me I usually just ignored them. I didn't want nor did I need anyone's help. I had made it through five years of exams on my own and this year would be no different.

Sometimes I would catch my so-called friends looking at me. I knew that they wanted to talk to me, to explain. But they still didn't try, which was a relief. Still, I had the weirdest feeling that they were watching out for me, which was ridiculous because they had no reason to. But sometimes, late at night, when I was in the library studying I would have the most peculiar feeling that I was being watched. But when I would get up and look around the bookshelves surrounding me I would never find anyone.

And as much I hated to admit it, I found myself watching the people I had let in. I found myself curious about how they were doing, if they had gotten on with their lives like I was trying to do. The Prewett twins were taking it hard, if I was evaluating off of pure observation. They weren't nearly as flamboyant as they'd been and amusement seemed to be coming with difficulty to them. I had never seen them so subdued, but that could have been because they had their N.E.W.T.s coming up. It could have had nothing at all to do with me.

Lily and Alice were the best at concealing what they were feeling. But I knew they weren't exactly as happy as they'd been either. They still talked and giggled and all that other girly stuff, but it seemed more forced now. The Marauders, as a whole, seemed to be doing the best out of all them. But then, I hadn't been very close to any of them but Sirius. And he seemed to be taking it the worst out of everyone. He would spend whole lessons staring at me, which was very distracting to say the least. He wanted to talk to me, but he never approached me. Of course, I made sure to glare at him any time we made eye contact, to remind him of what I had said.

I still wondered if I was making the right decision. But I knew that nothing would ever be the same again. It could never go back to what it was and I wasn't sure it would be worth the effort anymore. I was already used to being by myself, so maybe it would just be easier to keep it that way. I had given the whole friendship thing a try and it just wasn't for me. So that was that.

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The train ride home was the last bit of peace I would get before going back home to Mack for the summer. In July I would be of age by wizarding standards, but I knew I wouldn't have enough money to live off of until at least the end of summer. So I was stuck with my brother for at least that long. It was going to be a long summer indeed.

I sat alone in my compartment, attempting to read, but failing. Instead I stared out the window, thinking about how I would rather be going anywhere but home. I had endured a lot at the hands of my brother and a part of me had always felt like I deserved it. And even though I had concluded that I was better off alone, I couldn't easily forget the lessons I had learned from my so-called friends. Even if they didn't find me worthwhile, maybe I should. After all, if I didn't think highly of myself how did I expect others to?

About halfway through the journey there was a knock on the door. I looked up to Remus Lupin standing on the other side. It threw me off for a second, seeing him there. Remus and I had never really been friends, but he was nice enough. I wondered what he wanted. It couldn't be anything that I'd be happy about.

"Hey, Rian," he said, as he opened the door and came in.

"Hi," I said, frowning. "Can I help you?"

"As a matter of fact, I think you can," he said, with a kind smile. I relaxed a little bit and looked at him. Maybe it would have nothing to do with what happened a few months ago. "I wanted to talk to you about Sirius."

And just like that I felt my body tense up. Sirius was the last person I wanted to talk to or about. I must have given Remus an icy look because he held his hands up and began to defend himself.

"Listen, I know you must hate the whole lot of us and I really don't blame you," he said. "But you only listened to one side of the story. You do realize that, right?"

"One side was enough when you all did nothing to deny it," I pointed out.

"Fair enough. But Dorcas only did it to bring her cousins down," Remus said. "I don't think she fully understood what it would do to you."

"I'm failing to see what this has to do with Sirius," I said impatiently, not wanting to talk about how pathetic I was.

"Right. Well, look, I know that you think we all befriended you because we felt sorry for you and that we were having a good laugh at your expense," he said and I glared out the window. "From what I understand, anyway. You should know that it was never like that. The Prewett twins were genuine in their quest to befriend you. It had nothing to do with the bet, which was really just a joke to begin with."

"I've heard all this already," I said, still not looking at him.

"I'm just making sure you know. I also want to make sure that you know Sirius really did like you. He was never pretending." I could hear the sincerity in Remus' voice, knew he wasn't the type of person to tell tales. And yet, I still couldn't believe it. "And after everything, well, he's been miserable. I've never seen him so unhappy."

"And what would you like me to do about that, Remus?" I asked, my glare snapping back to him. "Would you like me to pretend that finding out that people had been betting on whether or not I could be befriended didn't shatter my world? The Prewetts and Sirius were the first people I let in, that I let see _me_, for the first time in nearly six years. And all that it did was confirm everything I already knew."

"And what would that be?" Remus asked, calmly.

"That being alone suits me much better," I said. "Look, I'm sorry if Sirius can't get over the fact that he got caught, but that's really not my problem."

Remus didn't say anything for a few minutes. He sat there, thinking about what I had said, and he would look at me thoughtfully from time to time. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said, "You know, it's too bad that you see it that way. If you could just see how much they care about you, how much of an effect you've had, maybe you'd think differently."

"I don't have an effect on anyone," I scoffed.

"That's the thing, Rian, you do," he insisted. "The Prewetts, Sirius, Lily and Alice, even James and Peter and me to a certain extent. I can't explain it, really, you'd have to realize it for yourself to know what I'm talking about."

"Why do you care so much anyway?" I asked. "Sure, you and Sirius are close, but why are you talking to me about it? It's not like we were ever friends."

I knew it sounded harsh and it was a harsher statement than I had meant to make. But Remus was irritating me, with his cryptic way of putting things. So I thought maybe if I was harsh he would talk more clearly.

"You and I never crossed paths that much, Rian, that's all. I know what it's like to feel like you can't count on anyone. I know that better than you can imagine," he said and I all but rolled my eyes. "I know, that doesn't make much sense, but that's the best way I can explain it."

And with that, he got up and left. I let out a puff of air and wondered what in Merlin's name he had meant. Sure, Remus was quieter and shyer than his two best mates, but what could he know of being alone? Everyone kept telling me they knew what I was going through, but nobody would give me concrete proof of that. Sirius had been so understanding of the abuse he'd discovered, but I had never found out why he reacted in the way he did.

It was so frustrating, trying to figure out the cryptic things that I was told. I hated feeling like an incompetent eight year old. I should have never let the Prewetts befriend me, at least then I wouldn't be in this mess.

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As the train neared King's Cross I had two more visitors. Lily and Alice knocked tentatively on the door and cracked it opened.

"Can we come in?" Lily asked. I gave a noncommittal shrug and turned back to the window. I heard them step in and close the door behind them.

"We know that you're still mad at us," Alice began, "and you have every right to be. But we didn't mean to hurt you."

"We were honest about wanting to be your friends," Lily said. "We understand if you don't believe us, but we wanted you to know that."

"And to tell you that should you need anything, anything at all, just owl us," Alice finished.

I looked up at the two girls in front of me. Here they were, knowing that I wanted nothing to do with them. Knowing that I had nothing more to say to them. And they were offering me a hand, should I ever need one. Very peculiar, indeed, this act of kindness. But it didn't change anything.

"Thanks, but I doubt you'll hear from me," I said evenly.

"We just wanted you to know," Lily said. She and Alice exchanged one of their mysterious looks and then Lily added, "We'll see you around, Rian."

"Yeah, bye Rian," Alice said.

They left and I went back to staring out the window. How could they still be offering me help when we all knew that it had only been a sham? Maybe not all of it, but the reasons behind our friendship were not exactly great. I thought about what Remus and Dumbledore had said. Could I be wrong? Well, it was possible, but to find out would mean putting myself back out there. It would mean making myself vulnerable. And that just wasn't an option.

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It took two trains and a taxi to make it home. I had owled Mrs. Potter and told her that I had a couple of things to take of, so I wouldn't need a ride home. In reality I just didn't want to be in confined spaced with James and Sirius. I needed to be by myself, away from everyone, for a few more hours before I had to face Mack.

By the time I got home it was late evening. The house was dark which meant that Mack was probably out with his friends somewhere. I didn't expect him to be home—in fact, he had probably forgotten that I was coming home. And that was fine with me. I dragged my trunk up to my room, locked my door, and fell onto my bed. I was asleep about ten seconds later.

_Bang…Bang…Bang…_

"Rian!"

I rolled over and opened my eyes blearily. I was vaguely aware of the pounding noise and it took my another minute to realize that it was Mack banging on my door. I let out a sleepy sigh and stretched. I stood up, trying to smooth my wrinkled clothes, and walked over to the door. I counted to ten before I opened the door, mentally preparing myself.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Jesus Christ, I've only been pounding on the bloody door for ten minutes," he snapped. "You remember the rules, right?"

"Yeah, how could I forget?" I said, only just restraining myself from rolling my eyes. "Don't speak unless spoken to, don't get in the way, don't bother you…pretty much just pretend like I don't exist. That sound about right?"

Mack's hand came out of nowhere and caught me across the face. It wasn't hard enough to leave a mark, but it stung all the same. "No cheek, either," he said angrily.

He stomped off down the hall and then down the stairs. I shook my head and closed my door. I had the strangest feeling, a sort of bubbling in the depths of my stomach. I started pacing around my room, for no reason whatsoever, and it took me a couple of minutes before I knew what I was feeling. I was _angry_. I was so mad at the whole situation—Mack thinking he owned me, me not having the gall to stand up to him, and just the general way my life was going. I had never experience anger like this before, mostly due to the fact that I accepted everything as my fault and never questioned it. But now, I knew better. Or at least, I knew to think better. And I knew that Mack was wrong—at least, he was wrong to abuse me like he did.

And then, once I cooled down, I realized that there was nothing I could do. I was still underage and there was that little problem of money. I took a deep breath, gathered my bearings, and grabbed my purse. I was sure that Mack was at work by now and that meant I was free to do pretty much whatever. And I needed to get over to The Witch's Crooked Hat so that I could start picking up shifts again.

I had initially gotten the job to pay for new robes. I had outgrown mine at the end of fifth year. My parents had left me enough money to make it through all seven years of Hogwarts, had even exchanged it over to wizarding money, but it was going to be a close gap. Books were expensive, among other things, and I knew I couldn't ask Mack for money. So, I went into the village at the beginning of last summer and started looking for a job. And I had gotten one at this pub, waitressing and learning the trade of bartending.

The owner, a guy named Ziggy, had been short staffed and hired me on a trial basis. Even though I claimed up and down that I was clumsiest person alive, that was really just to keep suspicion off my injuries. I was quite nimble on my feet and since I was so thin I could slip through the crowded pub like smoke. I had a great memory and I rarely ever messed up anyone's order. Ziggy had told more than once that I was a god-send, but I thought he was just being nice.

And even though I was only sixteen, he had started teaching me how to bartend towards the middle of summer. He said that he wouldn't tell anyone if I didn't. I learned how to mix drinks, pour shots, and handle a crowd of drunken wizards. It was strange, because I hated to have any sort of attention thrown my way, but maybe because I was usually just in the background it didn't bother me so much. Even when people yelled at me for messing up their order or their drink, it didn't scare me as much as I thought it would have. It might have been because Ziggy had taught me all the tricks or because I felt so comfortable and at home in the pub, but whatever it was made me grateful.

Now, I made my way through the village, taking in the familiar shops around me. I knew quite a few people in the village because a lot of them were regulars at the pub. And because I never got underfoot and I rarely upset anyone, their greetings were genuinely kind ones. The Witch's Crooked Hat was in the middle of the village, in a small square, conveniently located for everyone. I smiled when I saw it, itching to get back to work.

"Ah! There she is, my best waitress!" Ziggy exclaimed when I was barely through the door. "I was hoping you'd drop by."

"Yeah, I wanted to see how soon I could be put back on the schedule," I replied, smiling at him. Ziggy reminded me a lot of my dad.

"Can you start this afternoon?" he asked.

"Definitely."

"That's my girl," he said, smiling. "Just let me know what kind of hours you want to work and they're yours."

I made my way to the back room, to grab a uniform and put my stuff away. Ziggy was the kind of boss who was very relaxed, got along with everyone, and knew how to keep everyone pleased. He had the same sense of humor as my dad and even cracked some of the same jokes. But I think that was because my dad used to frequent this pub when he had still been alive. He would come to The Witch's Crooked Hat to get a dose of the life he missed. He and Ziggy were quite good friends and maybe that was why Ziggy had hired me when I came looking for a job. I think he felt that he owed it to my dad to keep an eye out for me. And right from the start we had had a strange connection because of that.

When I walked into the back room there was a guy sitting at the desk, nursing a butterbeer. "Hey, you must be Rian," he said, looking up at me.

"Yeah, and who are you?" I asked, wondering how he knew who I was.

"I'm Derek, the new bartender," he said, sticking his hand out. I shook it. "Well, not so new anymore, I've been here for a few months."

"I see. And how did you know who I was?"

"Oh, well, Ziggy's been talking about nothing but you coming back for weeks now," he replied, with a sheepish smile. "He's really quite impress by you."

I made a noncommittal noise, feeling my face flush. Ziggy was never shy about complementing my skills as a waitress and my natural talent at bartending. I took compliments almost worse than attention because I didn't think I ever deserved them. But this piece of information about Ziggy made me smile all the same.

"Are you working this afternoon?" he asked as I grabbed a shirt from the cabinet.

"Looks that way," I said. "Guess we'll get to know each other."

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Derek turned out to be a pretty competent bar tender. I watched him through the lunch rush and couldn't help but notice his ease at handling the bottles and the conversations. We worked a lot of the same shifts together and we got along pretty well. Better than I got on with anyone else at the pub, other than Ziggy. And once it slowed down he and I cleaned out glasses together, talking about where we were from and what we liked to do, all that small talk crap.

"I finished at Hogwarts a couple of years ago," he said, after I told him I was going into my seventh year. "I was in Ravenclaw, but I was friendly with quite a few Gryffindors."

"Yeah, I think I remember seeing you around," I said, nodding. "You were the Ravenclaw Qudditch captain, right?"

"Yeah, that was me," he replied, smiling. "I feel bad, but I don't remember you at all."

"That's because I spent most of my time hiding in the library," I said, shrugging.

"Why would you do that?" he asked curiously.

"I'd, er, rather not talk about it," I said, awkwardly. He gave me a weird look, but just shrugged.

"So, how did you end here?" I asked after a minute.

"Well, I was all set to become an assistant to the Minister of Magic about a year ago," he said, pulling another rack of glasses towards him. "It was my dream to become Minister of Magic and to make a difference and all that other nonsense. And I started my job, excited to start learning the ways of the Ministry. And it just turned out to be utterly disappointing."

"How so?"

"I guess it was hard for me to see the way things really are," he said. "The Ministry is supposed to stand for something, to protect the wizards of our country. But they refuse to see things that are right in front of their pompous faces. So I quit, left the country for a few months, and tried to think of a new plan. And I was passing through this village on my way back home. I stopped in here for a dinner and a drink and Ziggy and I got to talking. I wasn't in exactly the greatest place and he offered me a job. And that was that."

"Wow, that's something," I said.

"Yeah, but it's the best thing that ever happened to me." He looked out of the window and then back at me. I raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled. "I'm happy I found out that the Ministry wasn't the place for me now rather than twenty years down the road. I didn't want to work a job I hated and I would have hated that job. I love what I do now."

"Well, then, that's great," I said.

And that's how I struck up a tentative acquaintance with Derek. We weren't friends by any means—at least, I didn't think so—because our interaction together stopped at the doors to the pub. But it was nice to have someone to talk to again. I didn't think I would miss it, after everything, but I had. And with Derek it was easy to be someone new. I didn't have to share my pathetic past with him or answer to knowing stares like I had with my so-called friends back at Hogwarts.

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I had been working at The Witch's Crooked Hat for a few of weeks without much disruption. Mack was working more shifts at the grocery store because he had been promoted again—he was now a full-fledge manager. So that meant he had to be there more and that meant that I could work more. I picked up a lot of day shifts and even got onto the night schedule a couple of times a week. I was settling into a routine, one that was made easier by the fact that I wasn't accountable to anyone anymore. I was starting to remember why being alone had its advantages.

Mack was still pushing me around. It was becoming worse as the summer wore on. He was unpredictable and I had no idea what would set him off. Sometimes, all he would have to do was see me and he would go off. He would hit me, insult me, whatever he could do to hurt me. Sometimes I let my anger get the better of me and I would try to stand up to him. But that only resulted in worse beatings. I had taken to frequenting the little healers shop in the village, stocking up on pain potions and healing potions. Mack made sure to keep away from my face for the most part, but there were a couple of times I had to come up with stories for Ziggy.

"Holy shit, look at that shiner," Derek said when I walked into work one day. I tried to duck past him, but he was too quick and had jerked my head to the side to take a closer look at it. "What happened to you?"

"It's really quite stupid," I said, giving a nervous laugh. "I was trying to open this bag of frozen vegetable to cook for dinner last night and the bag won. My hand slipped on the bag and I caught myself in the cheek."

"Wow, that's something," he said, giving me a half-amused, half-suspicious look. "Anyway, you ready for the big lunchtime rush?"

"I'm always ready," I replied, smiling.

And a good thing too, because it seemed as though the entire village had decided to eat at The Witch's Crooked Hat that day. I was at my wit's end by the time it was over, but there were a few wizards still coming in for a late lunch. Ziggy told me to go take a break and come back in half an hour, that he would handle the post-lunch rush. So I walked around the village for a while, brushing off the hectic afternoon.

"Feel better?" Ziggy asked when I came back.

"Much, thanks," I said, nodding.

"Good, because two jokers just sat down at table eight. They might be a handful, but they'll probably tip well," he said.

I tied my apron back around my waist, grabbed my pad, and went back out to the main room. I was busy making sure that I had everything I needed, so I didn't notice them right away. But I was still a few feet away when I heard my name.

"Rian? Is that you?" My head snapped up at the familiar voice. It was just my luck—the Prewett twins.

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**dun dun dun...but you all saw that coming, right? ;) please review, it will make my day better!! :)**


	9. Reconnecting

Chapter 9- Reconnecting

**A/N: hey there all!! sorry it's been so long, but with the holidays and school starting and everything I've been crazy busy! anyway, here's chapter 10!! **

**DISCLAIMER: really, I might say that I own Harry Potter, but who'd believe me?**

_I am afraid right now  
I don't wanna let you down  
And I am the one who can't be saved  
The only thing I say  
I am afraid right now  
What if I can't get out?  
What if I don't want to be saved?  
This is me afraid_

_Afraid- Yellowcard  
_

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It couldn't be them. Really, it couldn't. But here they were, sitting in the pub, looking at me disbelieving. I froze where I was, wondering if I could somehow sneak away. But I knew that now it was too late. I was caught, like a trapped animal, and now I had to face the carnivores. I closed my eyes, sighed, and walked up to their table.

"I told you I saw her come in here," Fabian was saying.

"How have you been?" Gideon asked, ignoring his brother.

"Fine," I replied shortly. I wondered what they were doing here, but I wasn't going to invite any sort of friendly conversation. "What can I get for you?"

"Really, Rian? You're still going act like you don't know us?" Fabian asked, almost scathingly. I just looked at him with no expression. After a minute he conceded. "Fine, I'll have the soup of the day and a hamburger. Oh, and a glass of Firewhiskey."

"I'll have the same," Gideon said, giving me a tenuous smile.

I nodded and walked off. Of all the people and all the pubs and all the villages…of course they would show up here! I had to have the worst luck. James lived half a mile away from me and now here were the Prewett twins. I glanced around, just in case Lily and Alice were lurking nearby, but it was clear. I called in the order to the cook and leaned against the wall.

"You know those guys?" Derek asked, nodding over to the Prewetts.

"Unfortunately," I replied.

"Ex-boyfriend?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow. "They giving you trouble?"

"No, they just…let's just say that they aren't exactly on my good side," I said, not wanting to get into the whole story. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Okay, fair enough," he said, backing off a little. "But if they give you any trouble, I'll be watching from the bar."

"Thanks," I said. "But I think I can handle myself."

Derek just shrugged and went back to the bar. I dreaded going back out there, to face them. How did they even find me? I thought I had made it clear that I wanted nothing more to do with them—any of them. But I would just have to grit my teeth and bear it. That was part of the job.

"Alright, there you go," I said, setting their food in front of them ten minutes later. "Can I get you anything else?"

"No," Gideon said, just as Fabian said, "Yes."

Gideon and I looked at Fabian. He was looking at me, almost angrily. Which ticked me off because what right did he have to be angry? After everything? I looked at him expectantly.

"I want you to listen to what we have to say," he said and I rolled my eyes.

"Didn't Sirius tell you? I don't care," I replied. "I have nothing left to say to you."

"That doesn't mean that we don't," he said. "You could at least give us the chance to explain."

"Explain what? You can't explain it," I said, with a bitter laugh. "Look, just eat and get out. Please."

I spun on my heel and stalked off. I couldn't believe the nerve he had. Why should I let him explain what I already knew? Sirius had tried to tell me the same story, but it didn't matter how or why the bet or the friendship had started. What mattered was the fact that they lied to me and that was unforgivable.

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I thought that the Prewetts would take a hint after that afternoon, but of course that was too much to hope for. They started to frequent the pub, coming in everyday. Sometimes it was for lunch, sometimes they came in for dinner. Or just for drinks. But they seemed to know when I was going to be there because they made sure that I was the one waiting on them. Gideon, for his part, seemed to just be tagging along. But Fabian, he never gave up on trying to get me to listen. I refused, every time, but after a couple of weeks I had had enough.

"Ziggy, please, can you take table ten?" I asked, frustrated, one day in early July. "I cannot handle them today."

"They don't seem so bad," Ziggy said, peering out at them. "What'd they do to you anyway?"

"Something I don't care to talk about," I replied. "Please?"

"Fine, but you can't always hide behind me," he said.

I went over to the bar to help Derek with the glasses. I grabbed a towel and a rack, completely aware of Fabian's gaze on me. I had never been so stressed in my life—not even when people used to pay attention to me. It was an entirely new feeling, this frustration. I was near my breaking point—something I didn't even think I had. I just wanted them to leave me alone.

"You should cut them some slack," Derek said a few minutes later.

"Excuse me?"

"The Prewetts, you should cut them some slack," he repeated. I looked at him for a second before he went on. "They may have said something about what happened between you guys."

"How much do you know?" I asked sharply.

"That they made a mistake and that you won't let it go," he replied with a shrug. "I know enough. And you really should cut them some slack. They care about you."

"I don't recall this being any of your business," I said, feeling the anger bubble up in me. This was it, I was going to snap.

"Hey, calm down," he said, defensively. "I just think that you should hear what they have to say. Wouldn't you want to be heard out if the roles were reversed?"

I glared at him and then I turned my glare on the Prewetts. Gideon looked away when he saw me looking, but Fabian held my gaze. It was as though he were challenging me. And I was buying into it. I had never lost control like this before, never had a reason to, really. And I knew I shouldn't give them the satisfaction, but I had a break coming up and I was going to give those two a piece of my mind.

Twenty minutes later I punched out for my break. The Prewetts had just finished their lunch and were heading out the door. I was just behind them. It was late afternoon and the street was pretty deserted. Which was just as well, because I was sure this would turn into a scene.

"Hey!" I called after them. They turned to look at me. "You had no right to go tell Derek about what happened!"

"We had every right in the world!" Fabian said. "What? Are you worried that someone won't see you as the poor victim?"

"No, but I don't need my co-workers involved in my personal life," I replied, catching up to them.

"You don't need _anyone_ involved in your personal life, do you Rian?" Fabian asked, cruelly.

"Fabian, c'mon," Gideon said, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"No, Gideon, she can't just write us off," he said, shaking out Gideon's grasp and taking a step towards me. "The friendship we offered you last year was real, Rian. We were interested way before Potter told us anything about you. We never pretended, we would have done it without the Marauders' little bet. Which, by the way, was just a joke, nothing more than Potter kidding around."

"How do you expect me to believe that?" I asked. "You stood there and did nothing to deny it! I told Sirius and I'll tell you: actions speak ten times louder than words."

"You want to judge us by our actions?" Fabian asked, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. "How about you take a look at the fact that we befriended you, no questions asked? And believe me, Rian, where you are concerned there are a _lot_ of questions."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked indignantly.

"It means that you don't like to give up any part of yourself," he retorted. "You are very private person. But we let that slide because we liked who you were. We thought you just needed some time. After all, James told us about your parents—"

"Stop," I said, holding my hand up. "Don't go there."

We stood there, facing each other, at a stalemate. Neither us was going to back down. Being angry with them was easy and I could live with believing that they had just faked it. But the evidence was stacking up against me and I didn't know if I could trust them again—or rather, if I _wanted_ to trust them again. They had let me down, in such a big way, and how was I just suppose to forgive that?

"Look, we understand if you don't want to forgive us," Gideon said, as though he had read my mind. "And we don't expect you to. Perhaps we should have been upfront about the stupid bet. But we didn't think it was relevant."

"What do you want, then?" I asked, looking at him.

"We wanted you to hear us out. We wanted you to know that we were, and still are, your friends." He looked at me with sincerity that couldn't be faked. "Things can't go back to the way they were, but could we try to make it work?"

I thought about it. I wasn't ready to accept friends back into my life. Especially not with Mack breathing down my neck. But could it hurt to strike up a truce? Maybe I could finally move on from this whole thing. Maybe this would bring the closure I had been trying to find all along. And who knew? Maybe I would end up surprising myself.

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I had to admit, it was nice not to be so angry all the time anymore. The Prewetts still showed up every day, but ever since our spat it didn't bother me nearly so much. Sometimes, I would even sit down and have a drink with them and we would talk. Of course, we kept to neutral topics. I found out that they had moved to the village about a month previous. They were in the early stages of Auror training and were babysitting every so often for their sister. In fact, one day they brought one of their nephews in.

"Hey, Rian, this Bill," Fabian said, ruffling the boy's flame orange hair. "He's Molly's oldest boy."

"Hi," I said, smiling at him.

"Hi," he replied shyly. He couldn't have been more than seven or eight.

"You guys want your usual?" I asked the twins, who nodded. And then to Bill, I asked, "Do you like ice cream?" He nodded, a smile lighting up his face. "Well, then I think there's a big ice cream sundae in the kitchen with your name on it," I said, winking at him.

I called in the orders and then looked out at the main room. The pub was nearly empty, as it always was this time of day. Derek was wiping down the counter of the bar and Ziggy was talking Qudditch to a couple of middle aged wizards who were regulars. A few minutes later the order came up and I went back out. After I set the plates down and made sure the sundae met Bill's approval, I sat down next to Gideon.

"How's training?" I asked.

"Eh, it's not too bad yet," Fabian replied between bites of his sandwich. "But I'm sure that will all change here soon enough."

"They're trying to weed out the weaklings," Gideon added. "That way they don't have to waste time later."

"You two have more ambition that I do," I told them. "I couldn't be an Auror, too much violence." I kept my voice level, but the unwanted memory of mine and Sirius' conversation about this same topic popped into my head.

"Then what are you going to do?" Fabian asked, eyebrows raised. "I mean, with the war going on and all, well, a lot of the Ministry jobs are focused on taking down You-Know-Who."

"Yes, well, that doesn't automatically mean I want to be an Auror," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm thinking of going into translating or curse-breaking."

"Curse-breaking?" Bill asked, looking up from his half-demolished sundae with round eyes. "Cool."

"Yeah, way more impressive than us," Gideon said, stealing a bite of his nephew's ice cream. "You'll actually have to use your brain."

"Thanks—I think," I said, smiling.

"So, are you going to fight mummies and banshees and stuff like that?" Bill asked, in awe. "That would be _so_ wicked!"

"No, probably not," I told him laughing. "I'll probably just be a boring curse-breaker."

But Bill was lost in thought about battling dark creatures. His uncles laughed at him and shook their heads. I had missed this, joking around and being carefree. Of course, it was just an illusion for me, because when I went home all I had to look forward to was Mack. I had taken to wearing long sleeves again, no matter how hot it was outside. I sighed, looking out the window. Only two and a half more hours until I had to go home…

"Hey, is everything alright?" Gideon asked, quietly, as Fabian told Bill some stupid joke.

"Yeah, fine," I said.

Gideon studied me for a minute. Then he asked, "Have you talked to Sirius?"

"No, why would I have?" I asked, frowning.

"I just thought that since you were willing to give us a chance you might have…well, maybe not." He shrugged and drained his butterbeer.

"You guys betrayed my trust, but what he did…that was worse than what you did," I said, shaking my head. "Besides, it's a little too late to go back now."

"It's not," he argued. "Look, Sirius wants to see you, wants to talk to you. But not if all you're going to do is slam the door in his face."

"_You_ talked to Sirius?" I asked. "Why?"

"What do you mean why? We're friends, we talk. Besides, sometimes he comes into town for a drink, more often than not. When you're not working, of course; Sirius has a little more class than us," he said and I shot him a look. "I dunno what you said to him, but he's been hurting pretty bad," he added and I looked away.

"I did what I had to do," I said, knowing it wasn't an excuse. But I didn't want to talk about this.

"Is it really so hard to believe that he really cared about you?" Gideon asked. "That any of us cared about you? Look, I know you have issues with trusting people and letting people get to know you—it took Fabian and me a good long while to get you to open up. But you're never going to be happy if you can't learn that nobody is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes, you just have to forgive those mistakes."

I didn't say anything because I wasn't going to get into this with him, here and now. How was I supposed to forgive Sirius? I wasn't sure that I had forgiven the Prewetts, even. And, if I was honest with myself, how did I expect him to forgive me, for the things I said? Any way I looked at it, the ending was never a good one. So it seemed that the best route was to stay away.

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"So, you and the Prewetts seem to be getting on better," Derek said to me, one afternoon in late June. We had just opened up for the afternoon and we were getting everything ready.

"I suppose." I shrugged, wiping down a table and resetting it with menus and condiments. "They can be very persuasive."

"Yeah, I bet they can," he laughed. "What about the other guy that comes in? I only see him when you're not working. Sirius, I think. I remember him—and his friends—from when I was at Hogwarts."

"Why would you ask me about Sirius?" I asked him, frowning. "Why would you think I have anything to do with him?"

"Well, for one he talks about you quite a bit to the Prewetts," he said, straightening bottles of alcohol. "Two, you seem very touchy about the subject. What's the story there?"

"One that I don't particularly want to re-live," I said, pointedly. "I dated him, but it's been over for a while."

"Well, he's still taking it hard," Derek said and I looked at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He's in here a few nights a week, usually getting hammered," he replied. "I don't think he's wallowing in self-pity, exactly, but he's definitely hurting over something. Any idiot could see that."

"That's his problem. Look, he and I, we would have never worked out," I said, hands on my hips, defensive. "And I've accepted that. If he can't, well, I don't lose any sleep over it."

"Wow, I never expected you to be the cold-hearted type," he said, shaking his head.

For some reason this rubbed me the wrong way. "I'm not cold-hearted, just realistic. Excuse me if I don't fill my head with fantasies that will never come true."

"Chill, I was just giving you a hard time," he said, holding his hands up in surrender. "But if you're getting this worked up over someone you're supposedly 'over', well, you're not over him."

I turned my back on him as he went in the back to get something and went back to wiping down tables. What did Derek know about anything? It wasn't his business to tell me how to handle the people in my life. Besides, I never asked him for his opinion. I was scrubbing more vigorously than I should have at a table when I heard the chimes to the door sound. I looked up, a greeting halfway out of my mouth, when my stomach dropped to my feet.

Mack had just walked in. And I was so dead.

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**uh oh! maybe Mack won't be mad...or not. :/**


	10. All For Nothing

Chapter 10- All For Nothing

**A/N: hey, look at me all productive!! yes, I am posting TWO chapters, cause I can! :)**

**DISCLAIMER: I in no way, shape, or form own Harry Potter  
**

_Said I__'__m okay, but I know how to lie  
You were all that I had, you were delicate and hard to find  
Got lost in the back of my mind  
And I could never give back, no I never got back  
You were not there when I needed to say  
I hit the bottom so fast that my head was spinning around for days  
Now I gotta go at it alone  
But I will never give up, no I will never give up_

_What am I fighting for?  
There must be something more  
For all these words I say  
Do you feel anything?  
What am I fighting for?  
What am I fighting for?_

_Fighting- Yellowcard_

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I stood there, just staring at him. I literally couldn't move. I could feel the anxiety welling up in me, threatening to take over. But for a few moments time stood still as Mack looked around and then his eyes found me. I had never felt so scared in my entire life. A thousand thoughts flitted through my head: how did he find me, what was going to happen, would he cause a scene? I had no idea how he would react, but judging by the angry expression on his face it wasn't going to be good.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?" he asked, starting towards me.

"Um, well…" I couldn't make words form in my mouth, couldn't find my voice. Mack terrified me into submission.

"Are you _working_?" he snarled, glancing around. I scrambled backwards from him, until my back hit the bar.

"Hey, can I help you?" I heard Derek say from behind me somewhere. Mack was bearing down on me now. "I would take a couple steps back if I were you."

"Stay outta this," he snapped at Derek. "This concerns my sister and me."

"This is your brother?" Derek asked me, looking from me to him and back again. He had his wand out, at the ready, but seemed to think twice now.

I couldn't say anything. I wanted to disappear, fall away into nothingness. Maybe if I wished hard enough, this would all turn out to be a bad dream. Because this couldn't be happening, it really couldn't. Not now, not when I was so close to getting out. But I wasn't going to hold my breath.

"You've been sneaking around, behind my back, working?" Mack said, grabbing me roughly by the shoulders and shaking me. "How long?"

I still couldn't find my voice. Which cause Mack to shake me harder and growl, "_How long_?"

"Since last summer," I said and he thrust me away from him. I hit the bar roughly, holding on to it so that I wouldn't crumple on the ground. Mack was pacing around now, the anger literally radiating off of him.

"You lying little wench. After all I've done for you, after all I've given you!" He started throwing things, anything he could get his hands on: bottles, chairs, glasses…soon the floor was littered with the debris of his rage.

"What in Merlin's name is going on out here?" I turned to see Ziggy coming out from the back. "Young man, I would appreciate it very much if you didn't destroy my pub."

"Who the hell are you?" Mack asked, holding a large bottle of Firewhiskey in his hand, about to smash it.

"I'm the owner." Ziggy looked from Mack to me and seemed to put two and two together. "You're Mack's boy, aren't you?"

"What's it to you? I'm here for my sister," Mack said. "Either she comes with me or I run you out of business," he added, smashing the bottle in his hand for effect.

Ziggy just sighed and shook his head. "Son, breaking everything in here won't convince me to let her go." He waved his wand and muttered an incantation and everything sprang back to its original place, as though it hadn't been touched.

That just angered Mack even more. If there was one thing hated more than me, it was magic. He strode towards Ziggy, an ugly, angry look on his face, and for a second he stood there, sizing him up. And then, before anyone could react, he had snatched Ziggy's wand out of his hand and snapped it. Then he pounced and began beating Ziggy to the ground. The shouting and commotion had made some of the passersby curious and now there were people coming in to see what was going on. It took four wizards to pull Mack off Ziggy and throw him outside. They must have threatened him because he left. Derek and I helped Ziggy up and between the two of us we apparated him to St. Mungo's.

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I stood outside the room with Derek while the Mediwitches patched Ziggy up. I was taking deep breaths, trying not to cry. Everything I had been working for was worthless now. This was all my fault and there was no way I would have enough money to get out now. Not with having to cover the cost of the hospital and a new wand. Which I was going to do, whether or not Ziggy wanted me to.

And then there was Mack. I was trying not to think about it because every time I did I could feel a panic attack welling up inside my chest. But I knew when I got home that I was as good as dead. He had found out that I was lying to him, trying to get away. Never mind that I was trying to do it for him, so that he wouldn't be burdened with me anymore. And, okay, I was doing it for me, too. But I could kiss that all goodbye now, because Mack would never let me go now. Everything I had been working towards had been all for nothing.

"Hey, are you okay?" Derek asked me.

"Yeah," I said, taking another deep breath. "Just worried about Ziggy."

"He's going to be fine," he assured me. "Nothing that a few healing spells can't fix."

"Yeah, right," I said, nodding.

Half an hour later we were allowed in to see him. He looked much better and he smiled, to show that it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal. I could take Mack hurting me, because of my twisted way of thinking I deserved it. But now it had gone too far. Ziggy had been hurt because of me. And I couldn't let that happen again. Period.

"Hey, smile," he said to me. "It was just a few scratches."

"And your wand?" I asked, not smiling.

"I can get another."

"I'll pay for it, and for the hospital expenses," I told him.

"Rian, you don't have to—"

"Yes, I do," I cut him off. "It's my fault that Mack even showed up in the first place and I'm taking responsibility."

"Rian, maybe you should think about this," Derek said, exchanging a look with Ziggy. I knew that look. It was the one that Lily and Alice used to exchange around me. I hated that look.

"I don't need to think about it," I said, firmly. "Furthermore, I quit. I don't want to cause you any more trouble."

"Rian, you won't be causing me any trouble," Ziggy said, frowning. "If your brother comes back, well, we'll deal with it. But I don't blame you."

"I quit," I repeated, firmly. "I'll leave the money for you at the pub."

Without waiting for a response I left. I went to Gringotts and took out most of what was in my vault. It was a pitiful amount, anyway. I left the money with Kayla, Ziggy's assistant manager. I took one last look around the pub, knowing I was going to miss it terribly. But I didn't have any other options. I had to leave before I got anyone else hurt. So, I made my way back home, knowing that what was waiting for me was going to be worse than all the other beatings combined. But I had to face it and the sooner I did, the sooner it would be over.

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I took a breath, slid my key into the lock, and opened the door. It was strangely quiet, but I knew better than to hope that Mack wasn't home. The car was here, for one. And there was no way he would let me get away with this. I figured he was waiting for me, contemplating the best way to punish me. I put my keys in my pocket and closed the door.

I never saw the first blow coming. But the next thing I knew I was on the floor, a strange ringing in my right ear, the world tilting away from me. I hadn't even processed the fact that I had been hit when the next blow came. And then another…and another. On and on, all over my body: face, back, arms, legs, stomach. Soon one eye was almost swollen shut and I could taste the flow of blood in my mouth from a cut somewhere on my face.

"You are nothing more than a bloody piece of shite in my life," he growled at me. "Worthless, you have no value to anyone. How could you even think of trying to work behind my back? I provide with you with everything you need."

And so it went. I'm not sure how long it lasted, just that it was a long time. I blacked out a few times, but Mack made sure to bring me back to consciousness before continuing. He whipped me with his belt for a while, pulled me up by my hair so he could snarl insults at me, but for the most part he was content with just pummeling me. And I lay there, taking it, because I wasn't strong enough to fight back.

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I woke up some time later to a dark house, my whole body one massive ache and that's not even an adequate description. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and go back to sleep, but I knew if I was still there when Mack came home he would just start again. It took a lot of effort and some time, but I managed to half crawl, half drag myself across the living room and up the stairs. I knew I had a couple of broken bones. It was only by the sheer will of not wanting to be hurt any worse than I already was that I made it to my room.

I reached up on top of my desk for the first aid kit. I was hoping that I still had some healing potions left, but I only had one. That would take care of the most serious injuries. I had a few pain potions, which was better than nothing, I suppose. I took the healing potion and a pain potion, closed my door, and dragged myself into my bed. And I fell asleep a little while later.

I slept on and off for the next couple of days. The pain wouldn't let me sleep peacefully, so I always woke up to throbbing. At first it was all I could do to take the pain potions. I didn't leave my room for four whole days, I didn't eat, I didn't move from my bed. The thought of food made me nauseous and I felt like I was going to die. But I had no such luck.

I was still covered in blood from Mack's "lesson". But for those four days I didn't have the will to get up. I wanted to curl up and go back to sleep forever. Although, sometimes my dreams were worse than reality—half the time I woke up screaming from a nightmare I couldn't remember. The only reprieve I had was that Mack seemed to be satisfied with his current work because he didn't bother me.

Finally, though, on the fifth day I managed to sit up without too much difficulty. My joints and muscles were sore not only from the beating, but the inactivity of the previous days and at first I couldn't support my weight on my feet. But slowly, I was able to make it to the bathroom, where I ran a hot bath. I soaked in the heat, letting it massage my sore body and wash away the dry, crusted blood. I dried myself off tenderly, careful to mind my injuries.

I looked at myself in the mirror and it was the worst I had ever looked in my life. My eye was still swollen, though I could see out of it again. There was a deep cut on my face, just above my eyebrow, and I had more than one shiner. My arms and chest and back all had lacerations crisscrossing over them with the purples, greens, and yellows of bruises overlaying them. There were bumps and dents and Merlin knows what else that I couldn't see. It was gruesome, the state I was in. I wrapped the towel gingerly around my body and turned away from the mirror.

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It was about a week and half later when I was starting to feel normal again. A lot of the lesser bruises had started to fade and the throbbing pain had dulled significantly. I could move around without wincing and my appetite had come back. I still looked right awful by any normal standards, but I was getting better. And it wasn't as if anyone was going to see me.

I was on my way back from getting the mail when I heard someone calling my name. I had my foot on the first step of the porch as I turned to see who was coming. My heart sank; it was Sirius.

"Hey, Rian, wait up," he said, jogging up to the porch. I took a breath and turned around to face him.

"What do you want?" I asked. He stopped short when he caught sight of me, of my face. His brow furrowed and for a moment he just stared at me.

"I wanted to talk to you," he said, finally, closing the space between us.

"We have nothing to talk about," I said, coolly. This was the last thing I needed right now. Sirius seemed to have knack for showing up at the worst times.

"Look, I'll be upfront, okay?" he said, ignoring me. "I've been talking to the Prewett twins and Derek, that guy you worked with…they're worried about you."

"I'm fine," I said, firmly.

"You don't look fine," he replied, an icy edge to his voice. "At least, from where I'm standing, you don't."

"I'm failing to see why it's any of your business," I retorted, starting to turn away.

"Wait, wait," he said, grabbing my arm gently. I tried to ignore the feeling that zipped through my body at his touch. "I didn't come here to fight with you."

"Then get to your point," I said, pulling out of his grasp.

"I know what you're subjecting yourself to," he said softly. "You do know that, if you stay here, he's going to kill you, right?"

I looked at Sirius, taking in his unshaven face, rumpled clothes, and unkempt hair. He looked liked hell—though, admittedly, a thousand times better than I did, — and here he was, telling me to take care of myself. I knew he was right, something I would never tell him, but there was something about the way he had said it that made me stop. There was so much sorrow and pain in his voice and on his face that I almost told him everything, right there. But I caught myself, reminded of what he had done. Reminded of how I had pushed him away. Reminded of how this was my burden to bear.

"I'm fine, Sirius," I insisted and he shook his head, looking away from me for a second.

"You're not fine!" he said, desperation lacing his voice.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, equally desperate.

He studied me for a second, before saying, "Trust me." And then he leaned in and kissed me lightly on the cheek.

I watched as he walked across the yard, headed back to the Potters. He passed Gary on the way, who glared at him. I sighed and went back inside. Gary was one of the last people I wanted to see right now. He had been around the house quite a bit this summer, along with Mack's other friends. They were loud, crude, and obnoxious. I hated the whole lot of them.

I spent the rest of the day in my room, staring at the ceiling. I knew that if things kept going the way they were that something bad was going to happen. Or rather, something worse than what had already happened. Sirius had spoken the truth: one day Mack was going to go too far and then I would end up dead. And, even knowing that, I still didn't have the guts to leave home, to get out. I could leave, legally, in a couple of weeks, when I became of age. I could try to find a new place, a place where I would be safe. But it wasn't the leaving that scared me, it was that I believed that Mack would find me, no matter where I went. So what was the point of leaving when I would never fully escape my brother? When I would always have to look over my shoulder?

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Later that night I could hear Mack and his friends settling in for another rowdy night of drinking and cursing. I listened to them from the top of the stairs for a few a minutes before going back to my room. I locked my door, as had become my habit as of late, and turned out the lights. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

A few hours later the sounds of not-so-hushed voices woke me up. I rolled over to find a group of guys standing there, staring back at me. I bolted up and away from them, realizing that it was Mack and his friends. And they were wasted.

"Lookin' mighty good there, Rian," Gary slurred, coming towards me.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"We've been talking about the company you've been keeping lately," Mack said. He seemed to be the least smashed out of all of them—lucky me. "And we figured it's about time that you learned your place."

"Get out of here," I said, my voice stronger than I felt.

"Aw, are we not good enough for you?" Gary asked, leering at me. "But that other boy, he's good enough to _touch_ you?"

The sickening realization that Gary must have seen Sirius and me that afternoon washed over me. And he had told Mack. And now they were drunk and wanted to teach me a lesson. And I knew I had to get away.

The only thing I had on my side was that all the guys were past drunk. I moved, too fast for Gary to react. I dodged around him and slipped between the others. I heard them curse and shout, but I didn't turn to see how close they were. I flew down the stairs and out the front door. I could apparate, but there was the problem that I was still underage and in the presence of muggles. I kept running. I was down the front steps and halfway across the yard. I could see the Potters house in the distance, a quarter of a mile away. If I could just make it—

"Gotcha!"

Something hard and heavy hit and tackled me to the ground. I struggled, trying to break free, but the person flipped me onto my back and straddled me, pinning me to the ground. It was Gary. I could hear Mack and the others in the back, egging him on, and he grinned maliciously at me, riding the energy of the guys behind him.

"Help!" I screamed, hoping someone would be passing by. "Help!"

"Scream all you want, sweetheart," Gary laugh. "There isn't anyone within shouting distance."

He started grabbing at my clothes. They ripped and tore because I was still struggling against him. And I kept screaming, as loud as I could. The uneven ground kept digging into my back as I twisted every which way. The adrenaline coursing through my body dulled the pain so that I didn't even notice it. But I wasn't strong enough to get away from him. Soon Gary had stripped me half naked, down to my bra and knickers. He ran his hands over my body, sending chills down spine. I was struggling and screaming, still trying helplessly to get away.

"Don't worry, love," he said, leaning close to my ear. "It won't hurt too bad." He licked my cheek and straightened up.

I watched in terror as he started undoing his pants. This was really happening. Gary was going to rape me. And then Mack's other friends would get their turns. I had no doubt about that. Gary now had his pants pulled down and I could see _everything_. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for what was coming.

And then, miraculously, I felt something bowl him off of me. I heard a thump as Gary and whoever had tackled him landed on the ground a few feet away from me. I opened my eyes and saw Sirius on top of Gary, beating the living shite out of him. Two more figures rushed past and then I could see the Prewetts trying to fight off Mack and the others.

I felt a pair of hands slip under my bare arms and pull me up, gently. Setting me on feet and making sure I was steady. And then James was running past me to help the Prewetts. I stood there, shivering uncontrollably, watching the scene in front of me. Sirius was now standing up, Gary an unconscious heap at him feet, and was turning to the guys in front of him. All of the boys had their wands drawn and at the ready, but only Mack seemed to understand the danger. He was trying to stop the others from advancing again.

"That's right, stay there," James said. "This doesn't have to get ugly, Mack."

"You're right," my brother agreed. "So why don't you just leave?"

"Oh, don't you worry," Fabian said, a deathly edge to his voice that I had never heard before. "We're going to leave and we're taking Rian with us."

I glanced at Sirius, who had shifted slightly in the direction of my brother. James noticed this, too, and moved closer to him, to hold him back. I had never seen Sirius so angry. He was looking at Mack as thought the only thing he wanted was to see him die a slow, painful death.

"Rian is none of your concern," Mack told them. "I have custody of her until she's of age. So she stays. And you go."

"Do you really think we're going to let her stay here?" Sirius asked incredulously. "I know what you've done."

"Rian, go inside. Now," Mack ordered, ignoring Sirius.

"She's not staying," Gideon said firmly, before I could respond. "Where are your things?" he added to me, turning slightly.

"Up-upstairs, second d-d-door on the left," I stuttered and he and Fabian pushed through the group of boys and up to the house. It was quiet for a second.

"Mack, we can take these guys," Collin, a thickly built guy, said. "What are they going to do? Poke us?"

"Nobody moves until I say so," Mack snapped, eyeing James and Sirius angrily. "What do you want with her anyway?"

"That's none of your damn business," James said, fiercely. Fabian and Gideon came out the house, lugging my trunk and a backpack between them.

"Listen up, you bloody sonofabitch," Sirius growled, taking a step towards my brother. Mack actually took a step back. "This is a warning I'm only going to give once: come near Rian again, threaten her in any way, and we will make sure you wish that you'd never been born."

Fabian and Gideon walked past us and continued on to the Potters. I stood there, helpless and exposed, watching all of this and not daring to believe it. James and Sirius were now backing off, towards me, wands still at the ready.

"If you try anything," Sirius warned Mack, as he reached me, "I won't hesitate to kill you."

He turned to me and I saw the raw rage in his eyes. His expression softened a little when he looked at me. He wrapped an arm around my thin, injured shoulders, steering me away from my brother and the life I had known for the past six years. I heard James following behind us. I couldn't believe it was over. I couldn't believe that I was leaving. But mostly, I couldn't believe how relieved I felt.

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**Sirius to the rescue!! (and James and Fabian and Gideon...) anyways, click the button that says review and tell me what you think! :)**


	11. Too Broken to Heal

Chapter 11- Too Broken to Heal

**A/N: **wow, it's been a LONG time since I've update...I know, I know bad author, but in my defense I've been super busy with school. I graduate in, like, 4 weeks and I have crap that has to be done before then! But, as I get closer to being done I get more time to work on other things. So, here is chapter 11!! Hopefully the next update won't take nearly as long!! Enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER: really, am I JK Rowling? last time I checked, only in my dreams!**

_Here I am, still hold on  
to this dream we had  
Won't let go of it, hear me now  
You will never be alone  
Here I stand, won't turn back again  
Won't leave you, know how hard its been  
Hear me now, you will never be alone_

_Paper Walls- Yellowcard_

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I stumbled barefoot over the road as we walked back to the Potters. I could barely walk because I was trembling so badly, a combination of the cool wind and the shock of what had happened. My head was reeling with disbelief, unable to process the last half hour. Sirius was supporting most of my weight and my legs were threatening to buckle underneath me. But I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to give Mack any reason to come after us.

"Hey, it's okay," Sirius said, softly. "You're safe now."

I nodded, but that didn't steady my quivering body. I had to wonder exactly how pathetic I looked, half naked and shaking. It almost made me sick to realize my own feebleness. How weak was I that I couldn't even walk without help? And thinking that only increased my humiliation. As if it wasn't bad enough that I needed to be rescued in the first place, but I had been stripped of any remaining dignity I had.

About halfway back Sirius scooped me up in arms, as though I weighed nothing, and carried me the rest of the way to the Potters. He didn't even break his stride and when I tried to protest he just shushed me gently. I felt like a little kid again, unable to do anything for myself. But Sirius held me protectively against him, held me as though he thought he might break me. He didn't seem to mind my feebleness.

Once we got into the foyer Sirius set me down on my feet. After making sure I was steady enough to stand still, he said, "Stay here for a second, okay?"

He left and I was alone for a minute. James had stayed outside to make sure that neither Mack nor any of his friends were going to try to follow us. I had no idea where the Prewetts had gone off to with my things. I stood there, violent tremors washing over my body, no matter how much I tried to stop them. I didn't like being alone, not with all my twisted thoughts and paranoia. My head turned from side to side at the smallest noise. I felt anxiety swell up inside me and I was in the beginning stages of hyperventilation when Sirius returned.

"Hey, you're fine," he said, trying to calm me down. He put his hands on my bare shoulders and tilted his head down to look in my eyes. "You don't have worry, I won't let him or anyone else hurt you."

I looked at him, wanting so badly to trust him. I remember how safe he had made me feel. And, more than anything in the world, I wanted to feel safe. Sirius pulled me close to him, wrapping his strong arms around me in a hug. I clung to him, eyes closed and breathing in his scent, trying to calm down. No tears came, not yet anyway. I concentrated on slowing my breathing down. He rubbed my back gently, whispering nonsense words of comfort in my ear. After a few minutes he loosened his grip and took a step back.

"That's better," he said, smiling. The door opened and James walked in, just as the Prewetts came down the stairs.

For a minute all three of them stared at me, identical looks of shock and anger on their faces. Sirius stepped away from me and I felt utterly exposed in front of these boys. I looked at the floor, unable to look at them, as they took in my battered, bruised, and scarred body. I heard them moving to look at my back, heard their sharp intakes of breath as they saw the permanent reminders of my humiliation. This was the reaction I had always expected from people. Not the understanding sadness that Sirius seemed to have perfected.

"Sweet Merlin," Fabian said and I willed myself not to cry.

All I wanted to do at that moment was disappear. Just vanish into thin air and be gone forever. Then I felt fabric covering my shoulders. I looked up to see Sirius wrapping a robe around me. I stuck my arms through the sleeves, which were much too long for me, and hugged it tightly to my body. It smelled like him, hair gel and soap. He smiled at me, that understanding, sad smile. But I couldn't return it.

"C'mon, you need to sit down," he said, leading me to the couch in the living room.

The other three boys followed us. I sat down, pulling my knees to my chest and making sure that any sign of my abuse was covered. I rested my chin on top of my knees and stared at the coffee table. I couldn't bear to look at any of them, too ashamed to see the looks of pity on their faces. For a few minutes it was silent. Silence had never sounded so loud.

"Rian," Sirius said finally, "you need to tell us what happened."

I shook my head, not ready to relive the horror yet. I was still trying to process that it had happened in the first place. Besides, how could I explain it? How could they understand any of it? Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to blink them away, but they spilled down my cheeks.

"You have to tell us," he insisted tenderly.

"I can't," I whispered. "I can't."

"You can," he said, kneeling in front of me. "Did they hurt you?"

I knew what he was really asking. Did they rape me? I shook my head, tears still falling down my face. Sirius brushed them away softly with his fingers.

"Rian, please, tell me what happened," he asked desperately, lifting my chin so that I had to look at him.

I looked into his eyes, so caring and understanding. "They wanted to teach me a lesson," I said, so quietly that I wasn't sure he heard me.

"A lesson?" he asked.

"Gary saw us today and he told my brother," I explained. "And they'd been drinking, a lot."

"How long?" James asked, suddenly.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. I couldn't admit to him how long I'd been lying about this. "How long, Rian?" he asked, more firmly.

I winced and took a breath, before saying, "Going on six years."

"That time you broke both your arm and your leg, summer after fourth year?" he asked and I looked up at him.

"Mack threw me down the stairs," I replied, biting my lip.

"The gash you got summer after third year?" he asked, slightly disbelieving.

"Mack got drunk and came at me with a carving knife," I said, tears streaming from my eyes now.

"James, stop, not now," Sirius said and James fell silent. "Rian, I know this is hard, but the sooner you tell us everything, the sooner you can forget about it."

I turned back to him. "You're wrong. I'll never forget this, no matter how much I want to."

The look he gave me was heartbreaking, as though he blamed himself for what had happened to me. As though he thought he could have prevented it somehow. But it was ridiculous for him to blame himself. He had done more than enough for me. There was nothing else he could have done. This wasn't his fault. It was mine.

"I have half a mind to go back there and give that goddamn bastard a taste of his own medicine," Fabian said, violently. "See how he likes it."

"You'll have to beat me there," Gideon said, just as angrily. "He can't just get away with this!"

"There's nothing you can do," I said hollowly, looking at them. "He's a muggle, and if you do magic in front of him you'll get in trouble."

"I don't care," they said in unison.

"Please, don't do anything," I pleaded.

"We're not just going to stand by, letting him think he can do this to you," Fabian said. "I've never felt like I wanted to kill anyone before, but I could kill him, no problem," he added, as Gideon nodded in agreement next to him.

I looked at the four boys, each with an expression of murder on their faces. I couldn't believe this. Even though James and Sirius hadn't said anything, I knew they were thinking the same thing as the Prewetts. These boys were willing to kill Mack because of what he had done to me. They weren't concerned in the slightest of the consequences. If that didn't show they cared, I guess I didn't know what did.

"Listen to me," I said. "Don't do anything. Mack's not worth a one-way ticket to Azkaban."

"So says you," Sirius muttered, darkly.

"I mean it," I said, looking at him.

"Fine, we'll leave the prick alone," Fabian said, not sounding at all happy about it.

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A little while later Sirius led me up to a room that had my things in it. He told me to get some sleep and then closed the door behind me. I didn't bother changing, just crawled into the bed in Sirius' robe. I pulled the covers tight around me and that's the last thing I remember.

I slept for a long time. When I checked the clock it was three in the morning…I had slept for sixteen hours, dead to the world around me. I was disoriented for a few minutes, knowing that I wasn't in my bed or my room. But then I remembered what happened, all of it, and I relaxed a little. A sense of weakness and humiliation settled into my bones as the memories of that night came back to me. I knew, deep down, that the boys didn't care how I looked. They only cared that I had been hurt. But it didn't change the fact that I was shameful about it.

I curled up under the covers and went back to sleep. For the next two days I stayed there. Sometimes I would stay awake long enough to replay the whole thing in my head over and over. James and Sirius knocked on my door regularly, asking me if I wanted anything to eat or if I was okay. But I never responded to them. I couldn't face them.

On the third day, I woke up to find Mrs. Potter sitting beside my bed. She was watching me, hands folded in her lap. She smiled when she saw that I was awake and leaned forward.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" she asked quietly.

"I've been better," I replied hoarsely.

"I can imagine," she said, nodding. "Listen, you need to come downstairs and eat. You can't stay locked up here."

I assumed that James and Sirius had told her everything. So there was no point in pretending that I was fine. "I don't want to see anyone," I said.

"That's fine, it will just be the two of us," she promised.

I nodded and sat up. I was still wearing Sirius' robe, which was grimy with my tears and three days of being in bed. After changing into clean clothes I followed Mrs. Potter downstairs. She cooked me breakfast and sat there, making sure I ate all of it. I kept my eyes on my plate, not wanting to see the pity on her face. She waited until I was finished to talk again.

"James and Sirius told us what happened," she said. "They're worried about you."

"They shouldn't be," I said, not looking up. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine," she said, so sure that I had to look up and see her expression. There wasn't pity, just sadness. "Listen, I'm not going to force this. I'll only help if you want me to. And I'll understand if you don't want to talk."

"Why?" I asked, frowning. This was not the reaction I had been expecting.

"Because we've gone through this before," she said, vaguely. "When you're ready, you'll ask for help."

She smiled at me and picked up my dishes. I went back up to my room. I wanted to ask for help, but I couldn't bring myself to. Years of having to do this alone was stopping me. Besides, there was a part of me that thought I deserved this. A part of me that thought I needed to suffer through the pain and abuse because of my inability to stop it. And that scared me.

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Another week went by. I spent most of my time locked in my room. I still couldn't bring myself to face James and Sirius. It was ridiculous, but there was something that kept stopping me. I got up early and ate breakfast before anyone else was awake. I avoided everyone. I wanted to reach out, ask for help, but as the days went by, the harder it became to take the first step.

I went to bed early the night before my birthday. I really hoped that nobody would try to celebrate it because I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was disappear. Vanish forever because then I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I could slip away into nothingness and it would be as if I'd never existed. That would be fine with me.

I woke up in the middle of night. I looked at the clock: three-thirty in the morning. I had the strangest feeling that I was being watched. I rolled over, preparing to sink back into sleep, but something caught my attention; or rather, _someone_. It took a moment, but then I was able to make out Sirius sitting beside my bed, watching me. He was bathed in the moonlight that was shining through the window, giving him a silvery tint. His eyes were focused intently on me and for a second we stared at each other. I should have been scared or, at the very least, surprised. But I wasn't. I was simply curious.

"What are you doing here?" I asked softly, sitting up.

"I want to help you," he said.

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"It's not that simple," I told him. "I can't be fixed so easily. You have no idea of how to understand what I've been through."

"You're wrong," he said, smiling sadly. "I know better than you could imagine."

"How? How could you possibly know?" I asked, remembering how I had asked him the same question so long ago. He hadn't given me an answer then.

"You know, I used to think that by hiding and covering it up, somehow that made it less real," he said, standing up. "But I didn't realize how much I was hurting until I let someone close enough to see."

"See what?" I asked as hit lit some candles.

"You've asked me before how I could understand what you've been through," he said, looking at me. "And I couldn't answer you then because I was ashamed. But if it will help you heal, I'll _show_ you why I understand."

Before I could question him any further he took his shirt off. I couldn't stop the gasp that escaped my lips. He turned, so that I could see his back, too. There were scars, so many, that crisscrossed his body: torso, arms, back…they looked identical to the ones on my body. I reached out and brushed my fingers across his skin, tracing the scars. I felt him stiffen at my touch, but after a few seconds he relaxed. I was beyond shocked. Sirius was charming and popular and attractive and he just couldn't be damaged. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

Finally, I asked, "What happened?"

"I'm the first and only Black to be sorted into Gryffindor," he said, turning back around to face me. "And I don't share my family's views and values. So I was punished."

And he told me about all of it. About his parents beating him for speaking out against them. About his father using the Cruciatus Curse on him in drunken rages. About how he suffered through it until last summer, when he ran away from home. About the help he got from his friends when he finally let them in.

"Rian, I know what it's like to feel like you have to bear the burden alone," he said. "But you're never going to heal until you let someone help you. Think about it."

Without waiting for a response he picked up his shirt and left. I thought about it, for a long time. I had tried taking care of myself and that had almost gotten me killed. Maybe it was time that I let someone else take care of me. Maybe Sirius was right, I needed to let people in. But what if I found that I was too broken to heal?

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It was hard, but a couple of days later I finally found the courage to go down and eat breakfast with everyone else. I didn't say anything, just grabbed a bowl and sat down next to James. I kept my eyes away from everyone else's, focusing on pouring my cereal and eating it. There was an awkward silence for a minute or so, but then they all went back to talking. That was the first step towards me becoming a human again.

Soon, I came down every morning for breakfast, though I still didn't offer any conversation. I also began to leave my room. First it was just to sit in the study that overlooked the front yard. I could see my house from there and I would just sit there and stare at it. That was also how I discovered that the Prewetts showed up every afternoon, after training, to check on how I was. Lily and Alice, too, came every couple of days. This surprised me at first, but then it made sense that they would know. I wouldn't see them, I wasn't ready for that yet, but it struck me how stupid I had been. These people were still trying to help me, despite everything.

Eventually, a couple of weeks later, as July gave way to August, I started to venture downstairs during the day. I would sit in the kitchen and watch as James and Sirius goofed around on their brooms or I would join them in the family room, listening to them banter. I still wasn't comfortable talking to anyone really, though Mrs. Potter made a point of having a conversation every day that lasted no less than half an hour. Sirius, for his part, hadn't said anything to me since his midnight visit a few weeks earlier. And James seemed to be following his lead.

And then, one day, something changed. I can't explain what it was, exactly, but all of sudden I felt like I was in a better place than I had been in for six years. It was the strangest thing, but I felt a sort of peace. It was unsettling, but in a good way. I felt like I was going to make it through, like I wasn't going to fall apart. I felt like I was going to be okay.

"So, how hard do you think lessons will be this year?" James was asking Sirius one afternoon as I sat down in a chair. "I mean, we're at the N.E.W.T. level now."

"Well, Slughorn will be on our arses for sure." Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head. "And McGonagall will be a nightmare. Honestly, she'll have absolutely no sense of humor."

"Well, she never did have much of a sense of humor where you two are concerned, did she?" I asked and they turned to me.

For a second neither of them spoke, taken aback by my sudden willingness to speak. Finally Sirius grinned and said, "Oh, Minnie just wants everyone to think that she doesn't like us. But really, we're her favorites."

"Mmhmm, I'm sure," I replied, with a slight smile.

"So are you feeling better?" James asked after a second. Sirius looked at him in disbelief and smacked him in the back of the head. "Ow! What the bloody hell was that for?"

"James, have you ever heard the term 'sensitive topic'? You don't just go and ask questions like that!" Sirius said, shaking his head.

"You never seemed to mind!" he protested and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"It's okay," I said and they looked at me. "Yes, I'm feeling much better. In fact, I feel the best I have in about six years."

"Well, that's good," James said, looking at Sirius smugly.

They didn't say anything else, but I could tell that they were unsure. It was understandable, considering the way I had been acting. Sometimes it wasn't enough to tell people that you were okay, especially when you hadn't been for a long time. And I wasn't okay, at least not wholly. But I was healing, or I assumed that was what I was feeling. I still had a hard time facing James and Sirius and I knew it would be harder with the others because I didn't see them on a daily basis. But I was starting to see that the things I had to fight for were worth it.

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I twisted my hands in my lap. I was more nervous than I thought I would have been. But then, it was natural I suppose. How else was I supposed to feel when I was going to admit to being a complete and utter wanker? I had owled the Prewetts, Alice, and Lily, asking them to meet me at the Potter's. James and Sirius had tried to talk me out of doing this, insisting that I was trying too much too soon. But I was ready. Deep down I knew that if I wanted to move forward, then I needed to start with apologizing to my friends. And hope that I hadn't burned the bridge completely down.

The doorbell rang and I stood up. James let the four of them in and then he and Sirius followed the group into the family room. I had told them that I wanted them there too, because it applied to them as well. I looked at the people in front of me and wondered where I should start. I had rehearsed this so many times in my head, but now I was at a loss for words.

Finally, I said, "I want to apologize to you."

"Rian, it's really not necessary," Fabian started, but I held my hand up to quell his and the others' protests.

"No, it is necessary. I need to do this," I said and he nodded. "I want to apologize to you guys because I should never have let Dorcas get to me like that. I should have given you the opportunity to explain, but I was so wrapped in my own way that I wasn't willing to see the situation clearly. So, I'm sorry, for everything that I said and did."

I stood there, looking at them. For a minute they just looked back at me. I had made the first move. Now all I could do was wait and hope it would be enough. I was realistic enough to understand that I might be hoping for the best in a hopeless situation. But, I had been learning that sometimes it was okay to do that.

And then Alice stepped forward and pulled me into a hug. She squeezed me tightly and I hugged her back. Lily came forward next, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me, too. Fabian and Gideon each hugged me as though I might break if they squeezed too tightly. I smiled at that because I wasn't as fragile as everyone thought I was, including myself.

Once Gideon released me I turned to James. He and I hadn't talked about me lying to him, it was a touchy subject. "I'm sorry that I never told you about Mack. I didn't know how to ask for help and I understand if you can't forgive that."

He considered this for a moment and then smiled. He hugged me close and whispered in my ear, "I forgave Sirius for the same thing, so I don't think you have to worry."

"Thank you," I said softly as he let go.

I turned to Sirius, who was standing a safe distance away. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I wanted to thank him, tell him how sorry I was, tell him that he was the reason I was starting to heal. But I didn't want to do it in front of a crowd, even if said crowd didn't care. After a moment, I broke my gaze away from his and turned back to my other friends.

"Look, I know I haven't been the easiest person to be friends with and I'm sure that won't change very quickly. But if you have any questions, about anything, I would be happy to share the answers," I said, a small smile forming on my lips. "Although, I give you fair warning, there are some questions you might not want to know the answers to."

And so I spent the next few hours talking with my friends. I explained about my parents and everything that ensued after their deaths. Some of it was hard to get through, but I reminded myself that if I wanted to continue to heal then I had to open up about this stuff. About everything except the last night I spent at home. I wasn't quite ready to talk about that yet. And at the end of it, I felt so much lighter. It was as though I could fly now because I was no longer burdened with the secret of my family. And none of my friends went running in the opposite direction, they all listened and asked questions and let me go at my own pace. And that was more than I could have asked for.

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**alrighty, that's it for now! The next chapter is the last before we take a big jump into the future!! Don't worry, the story itself won't be done for a while...at least I don't think it will be...please review!! :)**


	12. Mending Burned Bridges

Chapter 12- Mending Burned Bridges

**A/N: hey there, does anyone remember me! haha, I know, it's been far too long since I've updated, and as always I have excuses-none of which are very good...you know, working 50+ hour weeks and being to tired to think and the like...anyways, here is chapter 12! I really like how this one turned out, so hopefully you guys do too!**

**DISCLAIMER: c'mon, really? Me own Harry Potter-I wish!**

_I wanna know if I could be  
Someone to turn to that could never hurt you  
But I know what you think of me  
Yeah, you had a breakthrough  
And now I'm just bad news for you_

_I wish I could be somebody else  
Wish I could see you in myself  
Wish there was something inside me  
To keep you beside me_

_Say what you really feel  
You know I need something that's real  
I wish there was something inside me to keep you beside me_

_Keeper- Yellowcard_

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Two days later I was standing in front of the mirror, examining my reflection. Admittedly, I looked better than I had in a long time. I was gaining weight, starting to look healthy, and the bruises all over my body had mostly faded. But the scars stood out prominently on my pale skin. I sighed and pulled a long sleeve shirt over my head. The cut on my face was still healing, but it was mostly just a scar now, and the last of my worst bruises were nothing more than shadows on my cheeks. I almost looked normal again.

I grabbed my purse and slipped out of the house. It was the first time I had left in over a month. The sunlight was bright and I squinted, waiting for my eyes to adjust. I made my way to the village, glancing at my house in the distance. I wondered, briefly, how Mack was and how he entertained himself now that I wasn't there to beat up. I pushed him from my mind and continued on my way.

A short while later I was standing in front of The Witch's Crooked Hat. This was the other thing I needed to do if I wanted to keep getting better. I needed to talk to Ziggy and explain about what happened. I owed him that much, after everything he had done for me. I squared my shoulders and went inside.

It was fairly empty, the lunch rush done with. There were a couple of witches in the corner, gossiping, and a wizard at the bar, nursing a glass of firewhiskey. I made my way through the tables, looking for Ziggy. The door to the kitchen opened and Derek came out, carrying a rack of glasses. He stopped when he saw me, as if he couldn't believe his eyes.

"Rian?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's me."

He set the rack of glasses down and walked over to me. He didn't say anything, just pulled me into a hug that I hadn't been expecting. I hugged him back, realizing how much I had missed him. Derek had been more of a brother to me than Mack had ever been. And I was grateful for that. After a long minute, Derek finally let go and took a step back to take a look at me.

"You are a sight for sore eyes," he said, fingers brushing over the scar above my eyebrow. "And a sore sight, at that."

"I'm okay," I said, honestly. "Really."

"Merlin, wait until Ziggy sees you!" He stuck his head through the kitchen door. "Hey, Ziggy, there's someone here for you!" He turned back to me and said, "He's been really down since you left, knew that something bad must have happened to you."

Ziggy came through the door and his eyes found me. His face lit up inexplicably and he started towards me. Much like Derek, he wrapped me in a hug, one that I returned. "I can't tell you how _good_ it is to see you! I thought I might have seen the last of you at the hospital."

"I thought so, too," I said as he let go of me. "But here I am."

"And Mack?"

"Not a problem anymore," I said. I looked at the two of them curiously. "I'm surprised the Prewetts didn't say anything to you about what happened."

Derek shuffled his feet and Ziggy looked at him, suspiciously. "They told you something, didn't they? You've been very hush hush around me lately when they're here."

"They simply told me about Rian not living at home anymore. They didn't give me the details or anything."

"Well, my dear, I am happy that you are no longer living with that monster," Ziggy said, turning back to me. "Merlin, did that boy have a temper!"

"Yes, he did." I looked down at the floor for a moment before I asked, "Is there some place we can talk privately?"

He nodded and led me through to his office. I sat down and told him about Mack. Told him about why I had quit and why I had needed the job in the first place. Told him everything about the last six years, explaining about the mysterious injuries he had sometimes queried about. He listened to me, never interrupting, waiting for me to finish. And once I had, he surveyed me for a minute before speaking.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Rian. If I had known or had even guessed I would have done something," he said. "Although, after your brother showed up I had my suspicions and I tried to see you. Nobody ever answered though, when I went to your house."

"I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it," I told him. "And, in all honesty, there was a part of me that thought I deserved it."

"And now?"

"I know better," I said and he smiled.

"Well, I'm glad."

We sat there for a second, a comfortable silence filling the air. Then Ziggy asked, "Rian, would you be willing to take your job back? Next summer, when you're finished with school? Not permanently, but until you find something?"

"I would love to come back and work for you," I said, smiling. "Frankly, I'll need all the money I can get."

"Well, it should help that I put the money you left me back in your back account," he said and I frowned at him. "Oh, come now, don't look at me like that. You didn't really expect me to take that money from you? I would never have done that."

"I suppose not."

We spent the better part of the afternoon talking. He told me stories about my dad, from when he would come to the pub. He made me laugh, with the impressions he did of the things my father said. It was nice, to hear good things about my family, and it was just what I had needed. Stories from a better time to remind me that my life had not been all bad. Ziggy was a medicine of his own kind and for that I was eternally grateful.

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After I finished talking to Ziggy, I talked to Derek. By the time I had answered all his questions, I was beginning to feel like a broken record. But I felt like I owed it to these people. They deserved to know the truth because they had stood by me, cared about me. I needed to make things right in my own way before I could even begin to forgive myself.

I was sitting behind the bar, helping Derek wipe out glasses, when the door burst open. In ran Sirius, James, and the Prewett twins. They were all panting, as though they had been running a marathon, and they looked wildly around the pub. I exchanged a bewildered look with Derek, wondering what in Merlin's name was going on.

"Hey, guys, can I help you?" Derek asked, but Sirius' eyes had locked with mine and the relief that overcame his face alarmed me.

"Thank bloody Merlin!" he exclaimed and they all rushed over to the bar.

"Are you okay?" Fabian asked worriedly.

My brow furrowed as I looked at the four boys. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You disappeared! We couldn't find you anywhere and, well, we thought…" Sirius trailed off and a confused look passed over his face. "Sweet Merlin, we thought the worst."

"I've been here all afternoon. I came to see Ziggy and Derek," I said, raising my eyebrows. "What exactly did you think had happened?"

The four boys exchanged rather sheepish looks and didn't answer. Derek let out a half-amused laugh and shook his head. "You thought that Mack had gotten a hold of her again, didn't you?"

"Yeah, something like that," Gideon said, nodding.

"How would he have taken me? He hasn't shown up in the past month," I pointed out. "If he hasn't tried to come after me by now, I highly doubt that he will."

Sirius and James glanced at each other before glancing back at me. "We thought that you might have gone back to your house."

"Why in the bloody hell would I have done that?" I asked, incredulously. "I'm depressed and self-deprecating, not insane and suicidal."

"Look, we just didn't know what to think. You haven't left my house in a month," James said. Fabian and Gideon sank down onto bar stools and Derek placed glasses of firewhiskey in front of them.

I was still failing to see what the big deal was. I looked at Derek, who just shook his head. "I don't understand why my leaving the house made you four run frantically around the village trying to locate me. I thought you would be happy that I wanted to get out. It means that I'm getting better. Or at least that's what I assume it means."

"No, it is a good thing. It's just, well, you didn't tell us you were leaving," Sirius said, taking a sip from his own glass of firewhiskey.

"Are you my mother?" I asked and they all looked slightly offended. "What? I'm sorry, I just don't understand."

"Excuse us for caring about whether or not you getting the shit beat out of you by your deranged brother!" James said indignantly and it was my turn to be offended.

"James, cool down," Fabian said. "What he means is that after everything that's happened, we just like to keep an eye on you."

"They're just worried about you, Rian," Derek said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "They have good reason to be."

"I can manage myself," I said, looking at all of them. "I'm not as fragile as you think."

None of them said anything to that. I felt a slight sinking in my stomach, which confirmed what I had suspected all along. Everyone thought I was weak and that I couldn't take care of myself. Granted, I hadn't done much to prove them wrong, but everything was different now. I could stand up to Mack, if the need should ever arise. I could start fresh, a new life, and I didn't have to worry about anybody following me. I felt like a completely new person. Couldn't they see it?

"Rian, the thing is, you let yourself be abused by a psychopath for six years," Fabian said, carefully. "That doesn't exactly inspire a lot of faith."

"And the situation was different then," I said, shrugging. "I don't have to worry about Mack anymore."

"You've been through a lot. And you haven't even begun to address what happened that night, you know, when Gary—"

"Don't. This is neither the time nor the place," I said, stopping Sirius from going any further. "Look, as much as I appreciate it, I don't need you guys to be watching over my shoulder ever second of every day. You were the ones who told me I needed to start getting out and face the world again."

"But you're trying too much, too fast," Sirius insisted. "It's great that you've started to deal with what's happened to you, but that's only the beginning."

I shook my head, wondering how I could make them understand. I was okay, really okay. I didn't need to be coddled, in fact I much rather preferred being left to my own devices. And then I realized why I didn't understand what the big deal was about. I was still trying to do things the way I had always done them—alone. I was so use to being accountable only to myself and I had forgotten that I wasn't alone anymore. But still, how could they expect me to let them shadow me everywhere? Tell them every little thing that I was doing? That was a ridiculous notion, not to mention one I would not be humoring.

"Listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was leaving. But I know how I feel and I know that I'm okay. I'm not going to break down into pieces again." I stood up and looked at them. "I'm going back to the house. That is, if it's okay with you all."

I knew that last bit was kind of harsh, but I was peeved. How did they expect to me grow and heal if they wanted to keep me in a bubble? As I walked back to the Potter's I tried to fathom why they thought I needed to be so sheltered. And Sirius, of all people, should have understood. He had gone through this, or something similar to it. He knew what it was like, to have to deal with deranged people. But then, that was all I really knew about it. That he had gone through the same kind of abuse I had. I had no idea how he had handled it after getting out. Maybe that was why he and James had freaked out. Maybe he had taken longer to get to the place where I was and that was why they had hard time believing that I was okay.

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When I got back to the Potter's, I found Mrs. Potter in the kitchen. I sat down at the counter and watched her cook for a minute before I spoke. "Can I ask you something?"

She looked up at me, surprised. "Of course."

"It's about Sirius."

"Okay."

"How did he handle getting away from his family?" I asked and she looked at me, a frown forming on her face. "I mean, how did he handle the healing process?"

"Sirius was in a right state when he showed up out of the fireplace. Almost as bad as you," she said and I nodded. "That was last July. He wouldn't talk about it for a long time. James tried everything from leaving him alone to berating him about it. Nothing worked on that boy."

"So what did he do?"

"He seemed content to just not talk about it. You know, pretend like it never happened. But I knew that he wasn't sleeping and that it bothered him." She paused and smiled at me. "He just needed time, like you did. Eventually, I think Sirius figured out that if he didn't talk about it he would never get better. But he never had anyone who could understand what he had been through, not fully."

"So why did he and James freak out when I left today?" I asked, needing to get a straight answer out of someone. "I just went to the village to visit Ziggy and Derek."

"Sirius is very attached to you, my dear. He may not admit it, but I think it's because he's found a connection with you that he has never found with anyone else," she said. "I think he's afraid that you don't want him because of your shared pasts. And I think when they couldn't find you today he just got pushed past his limit."

"I still don't understand."

"Rian, Sirius has known about Mack since last summer. I've always suspected something was wrong, but Sirius _knew_. And he kept insisting that something wasn't right ever since the summer holidays started." She paused, collecting her thoughts. "With Sirius, it's always the worst case scenario. He tends to jump to conclusions."

"They don't give me enough credit," I said. "I mean, I know that I haven't given much reason for faith, but do they honestly think I'd be as stupid as to go back?"

Mrs. Potter looked at me for second before smiling kindly. "They're just concerned about you, Rian. What they don't realize is that you are used to fending for yourself. And you are much stronger than anyone knows."

"Sirius says that I'm trying too much, too fast," I told her.

"What do you think?"

"I think I'm okay. And that I can handle it."

"I'd have to say that I thought that all along."

She smiled and patted my hand, then left the kitchen. Now that I didn't have to constantly worry about people finding out my big, bad secret I was finding that I had a whole array of other problems. The biggest of those problems was getting four over protective boys to lay off. But I wasn't sure how to show them that I was okay.

I thought about what had made me want to start to heal. And I knew it was because of Sirius and his midnight visit. He had shown me the connection we shared and I had begun to rebuild all of my bridges except for the one with him. And that made me wonder. Why hadn't I tried to fix our relationship yet? If there was one person, out of all of them, who deserved a genuine and heartfelt apology from me, it was Sirius. He had been the person to really get me through because I wasn't sure if I would have been so ready to accept the healing if he hadn't shown me the marks of his abuse. And that was really what had done it. He had given up a part of himself for me, in a way that could make or break a person. And I hadn't thanked him yet.

So maybe I had been going about this all wrong. I had thought that I needed to start by apologizing to everyone and that had helped, but I still felt like I was missing something. Maybe it was because I needed to apologize to one person more than the others.

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I felt self conscious and awkward sneaking through the Potter's house well after midnight. But I didn't know how else to corner Sirius without letting everyone know what I was up to. This was between the two of us, something that didn't concern the rest of them. I paused outside his door, wondering if this was really the right thing to do. It certainly couldn't hurt.

The doorknob twisted easily at my hand and the door swung open silently. I closed it softly behind me and moved silently into the room. I could make out Sirius on the bed, a dark lump underneath the covers. He was breathing heavily and tossing about, as though he was having a bad dream. I pulled a chair over to his bedside and watched him as he mumbled in his sleep. He was agitated about something and I wondered what was going on in his head. Before I knew what I was doing, I had reached out and grabbed his hand, trying to soothe him.

And the strangest thing was, he calmed down. He stopped thrashing around and his breathing evened out. I wasn't sure if it was a coincidence or not and I didn't really care. He slept on for a while longer and I was content to just watch him. When I tried to pull my hand out of his, he tightened his grasp. He looked very much at peace and I wondered how long it had been since he had slept without the nightmares.

Eventually, he woke up. No doubt from the fact that I was watching him. "Hey, is everything okay?" he asked groggily, when he realized that it was me sitting there. He let go of my hand and I pulled it back, consciously aware of the awkward air between us.

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"What are you doing here?" He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and looked at me.

"I never thanked you for saving me," I said and he frowned. "I mean, what you did for me…I don't think I could ever find an adequate way to repay you."

"Look, you don't have to thank me or apologize or anything," he said. There was a sort of pained guilt in his voice that took me aback.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I should have done more," he said, looking away from me. "I _knew_ what was happening and I shouldn't have let you push me away. I was almost too late."

"Sirius, I don't blame you, in the slightest," I said, but he just shook his head. "Listen to me. You _saved_ me, you are the reason that I'm not at the mercy of my brother anymore. The abuse and everything else, that's on me."

"You don't understand. I should have made you listen, made you leave, made you do something. Instead I just stood around like some dumb kid." He wouldn't look at me, just stared sullenly at the blanket.

I moved from the chair to the bed and turned his face towards mine. "You have done more than enough for me. How can I make you see that?"

He put his hands over mine. "You were almost raped because I couldn't muster up the courage to force you to see what you were putting yourself through," he said quietly and my breath caught in my chest for a second at the mention of that night. "What kind of Gryffindor does that make me?"

I sighed and said, "I was almost raped, and worse, because I was too prideful and stupid to ask for help. What kind of Gryffindor does that make me?" I asked and he smiled, albeit reluctantly.

"I'm sorry for freaking out today. I just don't want to lose you again," he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. I could hear the pain and desperation in his voice and I knew that I had caused it. And I knew that I didn't deserve another chance, but that he was offering it.

"You won't," I said, just as softly. "I promise."

"You can't promise something like that," he said, a small smile gracing his lips.

"I'll do my best."

We sat there, our faces so close they were almost touching. I don't know who moved first, me or him, or if we moved in at the same time. I dunno if we had both been thinking the same thing. All I know is that in the next moment we were kissing, softly. The kiss deepened and Sirius brought his hand up to cup the back of my head. I held onto his shoulders, pulled him closer to me, and all I wanted was to drown in him. Just as I shifted to press even closer to him, he broke the kiss and pulled back from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, worried that I had done something wrong. Worried that this kiss was only a spur of the moment sort of thing.

"I don't want to pressure you into something that you don't want," he said.

I looked away from him. I knew what he really meant. "You don't want this."

I stood up and turned away from him. My head was still reeling from the kiss and I was still processing what had just happened. Maybe this was the sign that I wasn't meant to be with Sirius. I had screwed things up, maybe too much for there to be any hope. The more I thought this, the less likely it seemed that we could have something again. And why would he want to be with me? There didn't seem to be a logical answer in my mind.

But I wasn't more than three steps away when Sirius said, "Rian, please, don't go."

I stopped, frozen to the spot. "Why not?"

I heard some rustling and then he was turning me around, gently, to face him. "I want this, but only if you do too." He stared down at me.

I couldn't meet his eyes. "How could you want to be with me, after all that happened?"

"Rian, you have to get over this ridiculous notion that you don't deserve to be happy," he said, tilting my chin up to look at him. "Your brother is a deranged psycho who doesn't know what he's talking about. You deserve to be happy, just like everyone else."

"Then how come it doesn't feel like it?" I asked. "How come every time I think about it I feel like I will never be happy? Like James or the Prewetts or everyone else?"

"Nobody is completely happy," he said. "And it feels like you won't be because life hasn't taught you otherwise. But give it some time, eventually you'll start to feel like anything's possible."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I never thought I'd find anyone who would understand what I've gone through," he said, smiling at me. "And yet, here you are. You get it. And that means more than I can tell you."

"And none of it bothers you?" I asked, skeptically. "Not the abuse or trust issues, none of it?"

"No," he said. "Not as long as I know there's someone who understands."

But I couldn't believe that. And then I did something so completely out of character that it shocked the both of us. Before my brain caught up to my body, I had pulled my shirt off, exposing my battered body. I should have been mortified that I was standing, practically topless, in front of Sirius. But I was too determined to prove him wrong to care.

"This doesn't bother you?" I asked harshly, spreading my arms and turning round so that he got the full view. "This doesn't disgust you and make you want to turn away? You don't think that they're ugly? Because I know they are and you can't ignore that."

He stared at me for a long moment, eyes raking over my scars, taking in the gruesome sight that I was. Then he responded in a way that I hadn't expected. He pulled his own shirt off and stood there, show casing his own abuse for me. "Do my scars make you want to turn away in disgust, Rian?" he asked, but he wasn't mocking me, as I half-expected him to. He was merely asking. "Do they make you want to run away from me? Do they make me ugly?"

I had no answer for him. His scars didn't bother me the way mine did. The way I assumed mine bothered other people. His scars were a part of him, a part of who he was. They didn't make him ugly—not much could make Sirius ugly—and I wasn't disgusted by them. I understood his point well enough, but that didn't mean I was going to accept it. And he seemed to know this because he continued on.

"Listen, I know what it feels like, feeling like you'll be unwanted as soon as someone sees the imperfections. I'll tell you that I've broken up with girls because they wanted a little under the clothes action." He took a step closer to me, my eyes unable to look away from him. "I was afraid that once they knew they wouldn't want me anymore. And let's face it, most girls only dated me for my reputation."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"Because you're the first girl I've wanted to show my scars to," he said. "A few of them found out. Hands slipped beneath shirts, intense moments when I wasn't fully in control of myself…I always brushed off their questions and almost always broke up with them shortly thereafter."

I wanted so badly to trust him, to give in and follow him blindly. But it wasn't jumping off the cliff that scared me, it was falling and not knowing if someone would be there to catch me. Though, I suppose Sirius had already caught me a few times when I was least expecting to be rescued. So maybe I should have given him the benefit of the doubt.

"I don't want you to blame yourself," I said.

"I don't want you to blame yourself," he replied and a ghost of a smile flitted across my lips.

"Fair enough," I said.

We stood there, facing each other, for a moment longer. Then Sirius opened his arms and I found myself stepping into his embrace. His arms wrapped protectively around me and I never wanted him to let go.

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**A/N: so there you are! please review and let me know what you think! actually, the reviews are what reminds me that I haven't updated, so there's a little more incentive...I think :/ **


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